Fourteen years ago, a visitor stood nervously by Sarah’s hospital bed. He was obviously ill at ease in a medical setting, shifting from foot to foot, trying to come up with something appropriate to say. He finally managed to blurt out, “We had a neighbor child a few years ago who also had Neuroblastoma. She died six months after she was diagnosed.”
Those words were followed by a great silence as I sat by my 6-year old daughter and tried to understand why someone would say something like that–right in front of a recently diagnosed, cancer-stricken child and her recently traumatized, grief-stricken mother.
I think that on one hand, he was trying to show some level of empathy, letting us know that he was aware of Sarah’s type of cancer and that he’d known someone who’d had it. On the other hand, we could have easily done without his words. Life was hard enough already without a story of a dying child reverberating through the room . . . and our hearts.
So. Why am I even writing about this subject today? A couple of reasons.
I read the following article recently and was blown away by the insight and wisdom on this very subject. If you don’t read anything else today, read this article. Trust me on that.
How Not To Say The Wrong Thing
is because of a note I recently received from a long-time blog reader.She wrote,
“Becky, I found out last week that my best friend has breast cancer. It is slow growing, and hasn’t spread, but she will need a double mastectomy. Do you mind sharing the best things I can do to support and, care and help love her through this? You could even blog your suggestions, to help others in the same situation.”
I know many of you reading this blog have had friends and family members in similar situations and may have had the same type of question. Although I am nowhere near an expert on this subject, I have been on both ends of the spectrum: as a comfort-receiver (cancer patient) and as a comfort-giver (a pastor’s wife who is often in situations that require compassion and sensitivity.)
As I started thinking about different ways I could answer this question, the first thing that came to mind was the many times people tend to say the words,
“If I can do anything, please call me.”
I have said those words myself, more than once.
Lately, though, I’ve started thinking that it might be more helpful if I said something like, “Is it better if I bring you dinner on Monday or Tuesday?” or “I’m going to the grocery store in the morning. What can I pick up for you?”
Sometimes a person who is in the middle of a trauma can’t even think straight. If someone says, “Let me know what I can do,” their beleaguered brain can only come up with a big fat zero in the idea department.
It was about a woman with four small children who unexpectedly lost her husband. She had plenty of offers for help but couldn’t dig deep enough into the muddle and confusion of grief to come up with any practical ideas. On the Saturday night following her husband’s death, the doorbell rang and she opened the door to find a neighbor standing on her porch. He said, “I know that on Saturday nights, Jim always polished all the children’s shoes for church. I have come to do that for you.”
And that’s just what he did. He sat quietly on the back steps and without filling the air with a lot of words, carefully polished each small shoe. Whether or not she was even planning to go to church the next morning was immaterial. The sight of someone doing that small task for her meant the world.
Another thing that came to mind as I was thinking about this subject is that we need to be careful not to hijack the conversation. Have you ever heard a conversation like this?
First Woman: I was just diagnosed with breast cancer two weeks ago.
Second Woman: Oh really? I’m so sorry. I just want you to know that I can really relate. I had breast cancer seven years ago. After a mastectomy and several infections and chemo I was told I was cancer-free but then three years ago, they found a spot in the other breast and I’ve had to have more surgeries . . . And on and on.
The second woman is making an effort to relate and show the first woman that she understands the cancer experience; she definitely has a story worth telling. However, by the end of the conversation, the focus will have completely shifted to the second woman which is not where it needs to be.
So the bottom line is that if you’ve had a similar experience as a newly diagnosed friend or acquaintance, go ahead and tell them, but then as soon as possible, turn the conversation back to that person.
Those are just two things that come to mind but there are many other ideas for helping and understanding those who are facing challenging times. I actually found some great information about this on cancer.net. (The information is, of course, applicable to helping anyone going through a difficult time, not just those with cancer.)
Although each person with cancer is different, here are some general suggestions for showing support:
Don’t be afraid to talk with your friend. It is better to say, “I don’t know what to say” than to stop calling or visiting out of fear.
Here are some options to help show your care and support:
Here are examples of phrases that are unhelpful:
Remember, you can communicate with someone in many different ways, depending on how he or she prefers to communicate. If you don’t see your friend regularly, a simple phone call, text message, or video call shows that you care. Let your friend know it’s okay if he or she doesn’t reply.
Your help with daily tasks and chores is often valuable for a friend with cancer. Be creative with the help you offer. Remember that your friend’s needs may change, so be flexible in shifting your plans as needed. Let them know that you are available if an unexpected need comes up.
If receiving practical help is difficult for your friend, you can gently remind them that you do not expect them to return the favor and you do it because you care. While not being pushy, try to suggest specific tasks. Asking “how can I help?” can be broad and overwhelming for your friend. Here are some suggestions to get you started:
There may be times when you want to give your friend a gift. As with any gift, keep in mind the interests and hobbies of your friend. A close friend may be able to give something really silly or unusual. A neighbor or work colleague may want to stick with something more traditional. Keep gifts fun, interesting, serious, or light, depending on what your friend needs the most at that moment.
Some ideas include:
In closing, I want to thank my sweet blog reader for bringing up this subject and for caring enough about her friend to gather information to help.
I would love it if you have any advice or stories of your own to add.
On the topic of illness: a few weeks ago I was feeling a little sorry for myself because I noticed my RA moving into a finger that hadn’t been affected before. Shortly after that, I ran across this video which absolutely blew me away and definitely helped put things into perspective.
I needed to read this post today. My husband passed away on the 8th of this month and for no apparent reason, today has been a really hard one. But, being reminded that some of the things I have heard recently are actually from well meaning people who just don’t know that else to say has brought a touch of joy. While their words may not have been the best, they do love and care about me.
Janet, I just read your comment, and wanted to say how sorry I am to hear of the sudden loss of your husband. I will be praying for you.
Peace, Jenna
Janet,
.
Losing a husband is something I can’t even begin to imagine. I am sorry you’ve experienced a loss of such magnitude.
“Well meaning people who just don’t know what else to say” is a very insightful (and forgiving) insight on your part. You summed up so well the fact that people really don’t set out to say things that are insensitive. Those kinds of comments just seem to slip out when they are unsure of themselves.
I truly admire your attitude and your graciousness and am thankful to know that my post made a small difference in these days following your husband’s death.
Grace to you today.
Becky – this is a great post and very, very helpful. One family in our tight-knit neighborhood lost their 13 year old daughter to aplastic anemia 4 years ago, and it has been difficult to know what to say. Very useful.
Tobi,
I’m so glad this was helpful to you!
It’s comforting to me to know that other people also struggle with what to say during these difficult times.
I have something to add that I don’t think was said here, if it was I missed it. At my son Mike’s funeral some one said this to me, well, it could be worse you still have three other children. I know they ment it in a good way, but it wasn’t.
At the same time as we are driving behind the hearse, I am looking at the police cars stopping traffic at every street corner, and I said, Mike would have loved this having the police stopping every one FOR HIM. Since I said it and the people in the car were all family we laughed, it was so mike but coming from some one else it would not have seemed so laughable
Sharon,
NOTHING could be worse than losing a child– no matter how many other children you have. People who say that are not trying to be cruel but they are obviously just not thinking!
I loved the story of how the policemen stopping traffic gave your family a chance to share a laugh together, remembering how much Mike would have loved that. Sometimes, a shared laugh is just what is needed at a time like that. I know you loved Mike so much; I’m sorry he’s gone.
Wow, Becky…this may be the most difficult post yet to which I want to respond. (In my head, my high school English teacher is looming over me saying, “You must NEVER end a sentence with a preposition!” Hence the convoluted first sentence.)
It triggered so many memories of the time between the night the doctor told us my husband’s melanoma had metastasized to his brain, and gave him about 8 weeks to live and for many months after he died. So many friends said and did things right, but several said and did things that were very wrong. For instance–and this is just my personal opinion, but still–it is NOT acceptable for a divorced woman to tell a new widow that it’s better to lose a husband to death than divorce. The only response I could think of was, “Not for Don!” It also felt yucky for a friend to tell me after the funeral that it was very, very strange that my sons, my mother-in-law and I weren’t keening and wailing at the funeral. (We were exhausted from caring for him at home for the last 8 weeks!) And then there was my cousin who told me, before the memorial service, to marry for money the next time. There were more, but those 3 stand out in my mind for some reason.
Phyllis’ comment above reminded me of one of the many good things. A colleague sent me a card almost every day during those 8 weeks. What a comfort it was to see those cards and know that people were thinking of us. Two friends called almost every night, both wise enough to know which nights I needed them to be sympathetic, and which nights I needed to be distracted.
Good stuff, Becky. I’m glad you posted it, even though it did lead to a trip down one of the less pleasant memory lanes.
Jan,
Thank you so much for sharing such honest and difficult memories from that chapter of your life.
The comments that people made to you just blow my mind. Really? Marry for money next time? Be thankful you were a widow and not a divorcee? And the one that took the cake: someone actually critiqued how you were grieving?!?
Oh Jan, no wonder those are the three memories that stood out in your mind. I do hope there weren’t many more like that!
I can’t imagine having just 8 weeks to say goodbye to someone I loved. It sounds like you did it with strength and patience and great love. Don was a blessed man to be able to live life with you. If your sense of humor on your blog comments is any indication, i can picture the two of you laughing together often and smiling together much. I know you miss him so much.
Hi Becky!! I’ve been out of the loop for quite sometime with a wedding this summer, getting kids back to college in August, starting back teaching in a new subject, family Christmas, mom’s been sick and on and on, but I have spent three days catching up. So much has happened in your life too, but all seems great!! I’m especially thrilled to see your sweet Sarah continuing to thrive and live life out loud. I remembered her transplant day fondly as I was there with you in prayer joining in our chorus of “grow cells grow”. As we celebrate another birthday and another “healing day” as I prefer to call our Sarah’s journey to Heaven, I love that I can still celebrate life with your family through Smithellaneous. Cancer is a monster that doesn’t win…ever!! Thank you for continuing to blog and share your life with us. When I see your Sarah, I see hope and it makes me smile through tears every time.
As I read your things to say and not say, I wanted to share my own “DO NOT SAY”. When we were preparing to bury our daughter, a well-meaning (I think) person told me not to dwell on it. I could have more kids. I did not want “more”, I wanted her!! I wanted to scream at this person and ask what on earth she was trying to say. Less than one year later, this same person had a baby and named her Sarah. I almost lost it when we got to the hospital to meet her baby. She’d never told me the name beforehand. I was weak and about to burst into tears when she said, “I can tell you’re about to cry, but don’t be sad. At least now the name won’t go to waste.” Yes she did!!! Needless to say that was my last time in her presence and the crazy thing is she has no idea why I ended my contact with her. It took me years to truly forgive her cruel comments. I still try to think it was ignorance on her part, but I just couldn’t continue in that friendship. Anyway, blessings to your family and I am glad to be back as a regular Smithellanean again. ?
Lisa,
Welcome back! I’m glad your life has slowed down enough for you to drop in again and get caught up. We missed you!
I loved what you said when you wrote, “When I see your Sarah, I see hope and it makes me smile through tears every time” That warms my heart so much and makes me admire you all the more for being able to be happy with our family whose daughter survived that terrible cancer. Thank you for your big, big heart. If Sarah was anything like you (and I imagine she was), she had a huge heart, as well.
I can completely understand why you would want to cut off contact with the woman you mentioned in your comment. She obviously doesn’t have the “radar” to understand what words that are life-giving and what words aren’t. If she had named her baby Sarah and said that it was to honor your Sarah, that would be a whole lot different than saying she was keeping the name from “going to waste.”
Your Sarah’s name could never go to waste. It will hold its special place in your family and in your memories for all the years that you live.
Remembering her with you today . . .
Great ideas. I tell people I may not cook for you but I do great take out. So enjoyed the video. Please pray for us and especially my Sunday school ladies. We had the service for one Saturday and tonight I was told another one would not make it. She had a stroke either during the night or this morning. I did get to speak with her as the crew was taking her to the helicopter but she could not respond. Such a loss for us. My class is the 70+ years and now we will be down to 9. God is in control. She was at the service Saturday for our other member.
Ann,
I’m so sorry you have lost two members of your wonderful class in the space of just a couple of days. I know you will receive much comfort from each other in the days to come. Hugs.
What wonderful words and ideas. I am so thankful for the things my Mom’s friends did when she had breast cancer! Not that my brother, my sister, and myself didn’t make sure she was well cared for during treatment. Those extra special surprises made her so happy! Makes me a little teary that she is cancer free at 88 and going strong! Feel very lucky.
Cindy,
Eight-eight years old and a breast cancer survivor! Your mom is quite the fighter!
I’m so thankful she had wonderful friends and family around her during her cancer treatment to encourage her and to give her hope. You’re blessed with a great lady in your life!
Ps….i found this post so helpful for the perspective of how to be truly compassionate when supporting a friend facing illness. Maybe this is a funny suggestion, but perhaps one day you could also write from the flip side since you also have faced what it is to be the person who is facing health challenges. Because we all at times face hardships, and sometimes it is challenging to know how to graciously and compassionately love those around you, when you are the one who is unwell.
My health issues are long term, and it is important to me that i live a life of love and contribution and not always be on the receiving end, if that makes sense.
One area i hope to grow more in is my ability to be compassionate to those who don’t know what to do or say, or perhaps react in ways that i find challenging. For example, there is a person in my life who was angry when i didnt ask her for help when i was unwell, but then became equally angry when the next time i did ask her for help.
At first that hurt my feelings, but then i came to realize this is a person who has herself been ill treated many times in life. I learned that hurt people hurt. But i sure wish I’d learned sooner to see her with eyes of compassion.
Or, i have famiy members who are faith healers and are aggressive. I love God very much, and i do believe God is all powerful, but for some reason its been so many years and despite so many prayers, a dramatic miraculous healing never has come. I’ve had to come to a hard won peace and trust in God even though I don’t understand. But every time i see these family members, or talk to them online, or even last week at my daughter’s birthday party, they insist on trying to dramatically faith heal me, and then it doesn’t happen and I’m not healed. And every time it is awful and neither they nor i know what to say. What i hope to figure out is how to be gracious and loving and kind heartd and invest in the lives of others.
You are such a gracious, gentle hearted woman and i would be so grateful for your thoughts!
What an incrediblly informative, wise, helpful blog post. Thanks Becky!! Also the Typewriter Artist really moved me. It was exactly what i needed today.
Im really sorry about your RA moving into a new finger. That must be tough. You always inspire me with how, despite the challenges, you live fully and embrace life..
Jenna,
I’m so glad the video was an inspiration to you, too. It just blew me away that a man so limited in his movements and speech would refuse to go sit in a corner and feel sorry for himself, but would instead choose to bring all of his resources to bear on creating amazing art. I will never forget his brave, shining example.
I will also not soon forget YOUR gracious attitude toward those who have said or done hurtful things in the face of your many challenges. You’ve developed a depth of compassion and wisdom that never would have been possible without the suffering you’ve experienced and that is an inspiration to me.
As for the faith healers in your family—I am so very sorry you have had to go through these difficult encounters with them. You have been far more gracious than I probably would have been under similar circumstances. If it had been one prayer and that was it—well, that would be one thing. But to continue on and on each time they see you is another thing altogether.
I believe in healing. I also believe in the sovereignty of God. And if His purpose is to use your current struggles to produce character and depth and strength in you that can only be brought about by suffering, then all the faith healers in the world won’t make any difference.
As I said, I’m just so sorry you’re having to deal with that in light of everything else. Is there any way you could contact them before the next get together (maybe by email, where emotions can be kept in check) and respectfully ask that they not continue to behave in this way? It sounds like it stresses ALL of you!
In closing, this is a wonderful, wonderful article.
https://bible.org/article/why-christians-suffer
Grace to you today!
Becky, thank you so much for your wise, thoughtful, articulate reply . I really appreciate your thoughts and it has helped me very much. Hugs!!
Thank you for these very helpful tips. I read an article not long ago that encouraged people to stop saying “If I can do anything, please call” for the reasons you have pointed out. I have heard myself say those words countless times since -but I have also been aware and have been trying to reach out and do practical things and be there instead of ‘just offering’ to be there. Your tips really help because so often it is so hard to know just what to do (or what not to do!) -thanks for sharing.
CJ,
So glad this was helpful to you; thanks for letting me know.
Even though we all want to be mores specific in our offers of help, we still occasionally say, “If I can do anything, let me know.” However, as long as there is genuine love and compassion behind our words, the recipient will certainly appreciate the effort!
Oh Becky, this is extremely helpful and I plan to print it and keep it for reference. I found myself not knowing what to say a couple of weeks ago while visiting a terminally ill friend at the hospital because I didn’t want to say the wrong thing. Thank you so much!! I’m not too good at small talk or initiating conversations so I need all the help I can get.
LeeAnne,
We ALL need all the help we can get! Trying to think of the right thing to say at a difficult time can be a formidable challenge. I’m SO glad this post was helpful!
Very very helpful ideas, it must have taken you forever to write with all the information. thank you.
Lesley,
Yes, that WOULD have taken me forever if I’d come up with all that. I got it from a website which I referenced. (The website probably got lost in all the info.) 🙂
Several years ago, my aunt and uncle had a friend that had ovarian cancer. I had known her through them for many years also, as had my mom. I lived in Florida at the time and she lived in Springfield, MO. I made it a point to drop her a card every so often. My mom did the same. After she recovered, she told us that it always seemed like she would get a card from one of us when she was really feeling down. It didn’t take much – just the cost of a card and a stamp. I have a co-worker now who is fighting a brain tumor and I’ve started the same thing. Just this morning I got an e-mail from her telling me how much she enjoyed getting the cards.
Love your list – it is hard to know what to say, especially when you’ve not been in their shoes before.
Phyllis,
You are so very right. A card and a stamp is all it takes to bring sunshine into the life of someone who is struggling–especially in this age of emails and e-cards. There is nothing quite as fabulous as opening a mailbox and seeing real paper and a real envelope.
Thank you for reaching out in this way–I know it has meant the world to these two ladies.
Thank you, Becky! I will print this and keep it. The world is blessed by your existence and anyone who is privileged to read your words and see your photography is doubly blessed.
Mary,
You’re makin’ me blush!:-)
So glad to know this has been helpful to you. I’m grateful to my blog reader for the idea of doing this post.
Great words of advise, Becky! You have a perspective from both ends of this topic, that not many others share. Likewise, a local Dad here in the Atlanta area did a series of posts about this very topic too. He lost his sweet daughter Kylie to ewing’s last year – markmyers.net is his site and click on the Childhood Cancer menu at the top to see all the related posts. He has a way with words and offers great advise.
Heidi,
Thanks for the recommendation for Mark’s site. I will check it out!