The funeral was nearing the end when I noticed four women get up from their pews and disappear through the side door of the sanctuary.
To the uninitiated it may have seemed like they had all heard the call of nature at exactly the same time; however, as a veteran church-goer, I knew the scoop.
I knew that these four were The Funeral Ladies. These were the ladies who had inventoried the third shelf of the storage room to make sure there were enough plastic forks. brewed the sweet tea, bought the sheet cake from Wal-Mart, and organized the bounty so that the deviled eggs weren’t inexplicably hanging out with the chocolate meringue pie.
When the funeral-goers entered the fellowship hall fifteen minutes later, they never gave a second thought as to how the generous spread of southern cooking had gotten there. But I knew exactly how many details and how much work had been attended to by those four unsung women.
Because I have been one of The Unsung. Being in full-time ministry (and being raised in full-time ministry) presents one with plenty of opportunities to do the unsung stuff.
The funny thing is that when you are the one who usually does those things, it can be decidedly disconcerting to find yourself on the receiving end of the process.
Case in point.
Last year, Meagan’s beloved grandpa died and Steve and I drove a few hours to attend the funeral. When the service was over, we all filed into the fellowship hall where we were greeted with long tables laden with food. And this was not just any ol’ food, mind you. This was Funeral Food, which in the south is a category unto itself. There was compassion in those collards and there was love in that pecan pie. Every funeral cook worth her salt knows just how vital those extra ingredients are.
Steve and I sat with Meagan and her family during the meal and as we chatted, I kept an eye on the activities of The Unsung in that particular church. They made sure that the serving utensils were out, the pitchers were full, the cups had been topped off with ice, and Aunt Mabel’s famous coconut pie had been cut. (Because a line was already forming in front of it.)
And when the meal was over, I noticed with a smile that Meagan and her whole family were getting just a little twitchy. And why is that?
It’s because they (as well as Steve and I), are all hardwired to leap into action at the end of every social occasion and start cleaning up.
Tote that trash! Wipe that table! Wash that pot!
But thankfully, all of us (heroically) managed to keep ourselves in our chairs. We sat still and we basked in the privilege of being on the receiving end of the ministrations of The Unsung. We were privileged to receive their acts of service and love and we were reminded just how much those acts mean to those recently bereaved, or to those recently blessed by a wedding, a new baby, or some other milestone in life.
And speaking of life’s milestones, I remember when Sarah graduated from High School in 2014. I had somehow managed to get way, way behind in preparation for her graduation party at the church, which was to follow the morning’s graduation ceremony. The ceremony had taken longer than anticipated and I was almost an hour later getting to the church than I had hoped I would be. I had worked frantically for about thirty minutes when, to my great consternation, three early-bird guests arrived.
My Level 6 panic was just in the process of escalating itself straight up to a Level 10 when I noticed something wonderful. I noticed that my early birds (all faithful members of our church) just happened to be card-carrying members of The Unsung. Although they had arrived as guests, they took one quick glance at all the undone things in the kitchen and another glance at my frantic and frazzled face and without a word, they moved into action. They needed no list and no instructions because they had done it a million times before:
The Unsung getting done the undone.
Because of their generous and heart-propelled efficiency, every last decoration was in place and every last platter of food was on the table when the first guest walked in the door to help us celebrate our beloved girl.
And these kinds of people don’t just show up in kitchens. The Unsung can be spotted everywhere.
Our church has a faith-based Boys’ Club that meets every Wednesday night. The leaders of the Club are a police officer, a Ford mechanic, and a repair department manager.
These men work grueling hours and when their workday is done, their first instinct is to go home, prop up, and enjoy their well-earned rest. But instead, they turn their vehicles toward the church each Wednesday. They climb the steps to the room where they will become a part of helping turn small boys into grown men.
The Girls’ Club meets right down the hall from them. Their leader works a stressful job and is exhausted at day’s end. In fact, she mentioned to me recently that she never goes home after work on Wednesdays because if she did, she would sit down and fall asleep. Instead, she grabs something to eat and heads straight to her room at church where young girls look to her and the other leaders for spiritual foundations and the tools they will need to get through life.
This woman has been teaching this class for over twenty years. Upstairs and unseen. One of The Unsung.
In our church, we have people who quietly show up to do the laundry for a mom who just had surgery.
We have people who deliver meals to the sick.
We have a retired nurse who goes to the homes of the dying and stays there to ease the transition and to comfort those left behind. I have been in the room with her twice when someone passed from this life and she has been such a compassionate, reassuring presence.
There is a man at our church who always stays late to make sure the lights are turned off, the air conditioning is adjusted and the doors are locked. I especially appreciate him because if he didn’t do this, then Steve would be the one who had to stay late every single time.
There is another man who organizes our ministry to the homeless and there are Sunday school teachers who study every week and show up every Sunday to pass on what they have learned. We have a group of women who staff the nursery on Sundays and love the babies and the toddlers who will grow up to attend the Boys and Girls’ Clubs and then graduate to youth group and then someday . . . who knows?
If all goes well, some of them will take their place in the lineup of The Unsung. When the people who are currently doing those things have passed on, these younger ones will walk into a church kitchen one day, see some stressed-out pastor’s wife, and without a word will lend their hearts and hands to the effort at hand.
Some of those newly grown-up folks will work a long day and then they will head to the Wednesday night classroom to teach and guide the young ones coming up. They will organize the food at funerals and they will clear the plates and take out the trash.
Without even being aware of it, they will have become another link in the amazing chain of people who live their lives for others; the people so often seen only by the eyes of heaven.
The Unsung.
What about you? Are you one of those people who enjoys serving behind the scenes? What is your favorite part about it?
Have your life ever been touched by one of The Unsung? Tell us about it.
The Behind The Scenes people! I love them! I love being one! I panic if called on to publicly do anything in front of a crowd, but give me the cleaning supplies and I’ll happily clean the bathrooms and whatever else. And yes, I struggle with being on the receiving end even though I’m ever so grateful not to have to be responsible at those times.
Guerrina,
People like you are such a treasure–those that don’t seek the limelight and who happily do jobs that matter without needing to be noticed.
And you are so right about the feeling of gratefulness when others are there to do for you in times of difficulty. It’s a beautiful example of “what goes around comes around.”
Thanks for sharing this Becky. You are so right—- so many unsung heroes who truly touch many lives through their quiet acts.
It reminds me of two quotes that have touched me deeply:
– “There are many people who can do big things, but there are very few people who will do the small things.”– Mother Teresa
-“It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.”― Harry Truman
I’ve been on the receiving end of so many of these unsung acts. My church has a team of people that brought my family a meal every single week for 20 months—and even the past few months still they bring us a meal every second week. My parents drive me places, including to the pool today so I can exercise my leg in my effort to try to relearn to walk. Over 50 people stopped their vehicles this past winter to push my power wheelchair out of the snow when it would get stuck (our winter climate is harsh). A lady volunteers with the library to bring me between 15 and 20+ books to read each month (and takes the returned books back). My church allows me to participate in leading the service about once a month even though they have to listen extra carefully because I use an AAC voice machine to communicate. And, 12 years ago my husband and I were newlyweds. We had just started attending a church in our neighbourhood about 2 weeks prior when his dad was diagnosed with cancer and then died 10 days later. We asked the church if we could use the church and fellowship room to host the funeral lunch. To our amazement, not only did they say yes even though we had been attending the church less than a month, but the pastor conducted the funeral and the church ladies put out an entire large funeral meal even though they didn’t know us at all. I could go on and on and on.
In my own giving back, I’ve had to be creative. It’s a struggle for me to stand long enough at a stove to cook a meal for just my family or even myself only, and when I try to carry dishes on my walker or wheelchair it is very hard to do so and has resulted in some big crashes of dishes to the floor—so to participate in cooking at a funeral or graduation party is simply beyond my capacity. I can’t drive right now and I can only go into homes with stairs when my husband carries my wheelchair up the stairs and I crawl up the stairs using my arms and good leg– so I cannot easily go and visit sick people. However, I”ve found creative ways to participate in the ways i can, like creating and editing the church newsletter and writing pieces about living with disabilities for our denomination’s Disability Concerns ministry and adopting older kids with disabilities and running a creative group in my home for young adults who would never set foot in a church– ie trying to create a place where they feel welcomed and safe and loved.
Jenna,
I love this comment for more reasons than I can even list.
I’ll start with the last line about opening your home to young adults who would never set foot in a church. Wow. That statement on its own makes me want to stand up and cheer. Basically what you have done (with this activity and others) is you have looked around and found things you CAN do and then . . . well, you just DO them! Editing, creating, hosting, writing, even participating in church services–you have made a choice to live a full life and you are doing an amazing job of it.
I really, REALLY liked the story of when you guys had just been at your church a short time and the pastor preached Joe’s dad’s funeral and the ladies prepared a huge meal. That makes me so happy to hear about the times when the church gets it right. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing all those experiences you have had. (And I was especially blown away by the long-term meal provision by the church. Wow!)
You live among some amazing folks, those who are “God with skin on.” Blessings to you today!
P.S. And I just have to add that the fact that 50 people helped you out of snow drifts over this past winter is fodder for a book or a documentary. Just when we are told that the world is a horrible place that is getting worse every day, stories like The Fifty People come along and remind us of all that is still good.
Bravo!
Steve,
Thank you for being my encourager!
P.S. I would like to amend my comments by saying that I shouldn’t have made such a wide swath. In reading the other comments, I was reminded that there are many who would love to help but can’t due to various good reasons. It just gets to me when at our church for instance, I see those who have no reason not to help and they choose not to. That’s what gets to me.
What a joy it is to serve in a time of tragedy like Dale Tousley spoke of (so very sorry, Dale). I think the people in the kitchen there knew how thankful you and your family were–it’s a message caught with the heart, no words needed!
Deb,
“It’s a message caught with the heart.” Love that!
Oh boy, have you ever touched on one of my pet peeves–just a sec–getting my soapbox in place! :-}
I appreciated this post because it’s such a good reminder for people to simply take note of how they might help and what needs to be done when they are at an event when you know it’s an “all hands on deck” sort of thing. I am always amazed by how many people simply get up and walk out after a lunch at church or some other event that requires many helping hands. Do they think things get done by magic? Or perhaps the thought is “someone else” will do it–not my responsibility! Nope, that doesn’t cut it–at least offer to help and see if they need you.
On the other hand, I so appreciate those who are very faithful to help at our church. They are in the minority, but they are there till the job is done! And like you, when I’m at an event where I cannot help, I always take note of and appreciate those who are down in the trenches, gettin’ it done! (And then I feel guilty for not helping.)
Ok, soapbox is back in the closet. Great post and kudos to you, my dear sister, who is an Unsung Hero extraordinaire!
Love, Deb
Deb,
This post was written with you in the back of my mind since you are a Funeral Lady, par excellence. It’s true that it would be lovely if others helped more, but in the meantime, the members of the amazing Unsung will git ‘er done.
Thanks for your words and for all your acts of service over the years.
Becky, your post just brought back memories of my Mom’s funeral. She died unexpectedly in a tragic accident and we were all stunned, my family and I drove in from KC to NJ, I remember just being in a daze as we planned the funeral. She had lived her whole life in our small town and was involved in so many things, she was a teacher in the local school, she was President of the Garden Club, she was in her Church Circle, she was a member of the tennis club, etc., so there were hundreds of people at her funeral, during the visitation the day before, people were standing out in the pouring rain waiting to come and pay their respects….and I am now embarrassed to say I didn’t really seek the Unsungs out as we walked into the reception in the church basement after the funeral where they had prepared food for these hundreds of people……it was the church I grew up in and was confirmed and married in….so I am sure I knew them, and I should have thanked them…..
Dale,
The great thing about the Unsung is that when they serve in times of trauma and difficulty, their reward is simply the joy of lifting the burden;they don’t look to hear any words of thanks. They know that later on, at other less stressful times, they will hear words of appreciation from other people.
But in your situation? With the sudden loss of a beloved mother? That’s the time just to receive The Unsung’s love and caring–and be carried by it.
I like behind the scenes. Let me help in the kitchen and clean up, too. Just have not been able to do so lately due to oral chemo. We have a great crew of unsung heroes at our church including the Pastor, his wife and daughter and Minister of Music’s wife as well as others. Thankful for them.
Ann,
I have always known you had a helping heart. I know you will be glad when you are able to jump back into you serving again, as much as you want to. You must really, really miss it.
For several years our Sunday School class volunteered as the kitchen committee for VBS – the different snacks suggested were so cute – unlike the hydrox cookies and kool-aid I remember from my days (many years ago) in VBS. The time that stands out when I was ministered to by the Unsungs I was also part of said Unsungs. A friend in my Sunday School Class had lost her precious 16-month-old daughter to a tragic backyard drowning accident. We lived in a small town and were all heart-broken when she lost her battle after five days on life support. I was taking it especially hard because MY daughter was only one month younger than hers, so we had enjoyed our pregnancies together and our girls being in the nursery together, so this was really hitting me right in my “mama-heart”, but I was focusing on the grieving mother and all she must be feeling. It was so comforting when before the service while we were preparing things for the meal, some of my sweet friends came to me to offer love and hugs knowing how I must be feeling. This still stands out all these years later – MY daughter turns 24 on Thursday. Your eloquent writing stirred up some sweet memories tonight.
Sue Ellen,
What a sad and beautiful story. How wonderful to know that your friends were sensitive enough to know that the passing of this little girl was difficult for you as well. I’m sure you had visions of the two girls growing up in church together and becoming fast friends; to lose a future friend for your daughter would be hard.
And if your friends were that comforting to YOU, I’m sure the bereaved mom was triply surrounded by compassion and comfort. Sounds like you were both blessed with the ministrations of the Unsung.
Becky, you have exceeded yourself again with this post! Very heartfelt and well written. You need to create a special category for posts such as this. Perhaps even submit it for publication somewhere.
Kari,
Thank you so much for your encouraging me. I did spend quite a bit of time on this post and I’m glad it was meaningful. I have actually considered making a special category for these kinds of posts; thanks for the good suggestion.
Becky, sometimes. your blogs bring tears to my eyes. This was one of those times. Thank you.
Fred,
Sometimes tears can be a good thing, can’t they? So grateful my writing touched you.
Such a good blog to help us remember with thanksgiving all those who help others, over and over. And to keep the same attitude in mind and heart– love your neighbor as yourself. Ruth
Ruth,
Thank you for all the unsung service you have done through the years. You have a true servant’s heart.
My mother served on the food committee for years until it got to be too much for her. She was the one that didn’t go to the sermon when there was a potluck because she and the other women and some men were getting things warmed up, tea and coffee made, food put out and desserts cut. And after everyone had eaten, there was silverware to be washed – no plastic ware in this country church, tables to wipe etc. On occasion, I would be in town on potluck day and help her and the others. My mother also served in the kitchen for VBS – Kool-aide and cookies and usually ice cream on the last night.
Just 9 days ago, my brother and sister-in-law’s church served lunch after her dad’s funeral. I was invited to stay and sat with my brother’s family. Many unsung heroes there also.
I recently was on the receiving end when I fractured my knee. Members of my Sunday School class brought meals to me several nights – several of them bringing enough for more than one meal. I mentioned in the class that I was not used to being the one that needed help.
In our church bulletin this week, there was mention of a shower for a couple that had lost their home to fire on Christmas morning. I had looked at the registry last week and saw that they had several cake pans, decorating tips, etc. on their registry. Upon looking a little further, I realized that she decorated cakes. I have done that in the past myself. So yesterday afternoon, I sat down and ordered some things for her to get her business working again.
Phyllis,
Your comment is a perfect compilation of all the wonderful Unsung giving and receiving that has gone on throughout your life. Your mom sounds exactly like the kind of person I was writing this post about. Giving and serving as a way of life . . . doing for others before doing for herself.
What an inspiration those wonderful people are. (And ordering the baking items was a wonderfully thoughtful thing to do!)
I understand your comments about being on the receiving end. I have been involved in childens ministry, bus ministry, food pantry ministry, etc for over 30 years at my local church. On the occasions of showers, always in the kitchen. Funeral dinners not when I am at my paying job during the week…in the kitchen. Why? Because I love serving. When my husband, sister and brother all passed within a few months of each other recently I found myself on that receiving end. It was so much more difficult than I ever thought but so was so grateful for that love. For the quiet way my friends went about the duty of making it all look invisible but with such thoughtfulness and compassion.
JK,
To lose three people so dear to you in such a short period of time . . . that is certainly sorrow upon sorrow. How wonderful to hear that you found yourself on the receiving end of love and kindness and quiet compassion. Those thirty years that you gave so unselfishly to others came back around to you at the time when you needed it the most.
Many hugs to you today–and thank you for sharing your story.