The Toilet Paper Stand Off (From The Archives)

Every once in a while, I like to take a little trip down memory lane and look at what Smith Life was like back in the day.  This is one of my favorite posts from the olden days; enjoy!

April 27, 2009 

Last week, I bought toilet paper. Nine rolls of toilet paper. On sale.

What I normally do when I get home with the Smith Family Supply of Toilet Paper is to put three rolls in the downstairs bath, three rolls in the master bathroom, and three rolls in the kids’ bathroom.

(Aren’t you ever so excited to have the inside scoop on how our family’s toilet paper is distributed?  I realize that blog reading doesn’t get much better—or classier–than this.)

On this particular day, however, after doing my first two toilet paper drop-offs I thought, “I’ll just throw these last three rolls down the hall towards the kids’ bathroom and one of them can pick them up when they go that direction.”

Just so you know how well that plan worked, I would like to share a picture of what the hallway looked like on Thursday evening, several hours after I had tossed the toilet paper down the hall. (Note:  If you are a new reader here, I promise you that my usual photography is quite a bit better than these photos.)

Now I’m just asking this for the purpose of scientific research and not because I’m dissing my children or anything, but if you walked down this hall and into this bathroom several times a day, would you notice those three rolls on the floor?

I kept on thinking with my perky positivity, “Any moment now, either Sarah or Nathan will pick up the rolls and carry them the three steps into the bathroom and put them into the Official Toilet Paper Storage Area. It’s a no-brainer!”

But alas. On Friday afternoon, this is what the hallway (still) looked like.

Now it may just be me, but I can’t really tell much of a difference between those two photos, can you? Once again, I’m asking for research purposes only; I am not in any way insinuating that my lovely children would ever ignore such a vital housekeeping issue for TWO days in a row.

And you’ll never, ever guess what the hallway looked like on Saturday.

Even though I’m not going to post a picture, you won’t even have to use your imagination. All you have to do is to scroll slowly back up the screen to look at the pictures on Thursday and Friday. There was No. Change.

My first instinct was to make my way down the hall and with my patented, martyred, maternal sigh, pick up the three rolls and put them away. But then I thought, “Nope. I’m not going to do it because first of all, both of those children bend much easier than I do and secondly, it’s their toilet paper and their bathroom.”

By Sunday, the (unspoken) stand-off was still going strong. At dinner however, Steve casually mentioned the toilet paper that had been sitting in the hallway for three days.

I said to him, “Oh, you weren’t supposed to say anything. I was going to see how long the kids were going to let it sit there.”

Both Nathan’s and Sarah’s heads shot up and their eyes opened wide. By the looks on their faces, I could tell that they either hadn’t even noticed the toilet paper lying there–on the floor, right in front of them, that they were tripping over and stepping around—or else they hadn’t thought it was any sort of a big deal. They both kind of made a joke about it and we went on with the meal.

After we ate, Nathan disappeared upstairs. Steve followed a few minutes later and when I heard him up chortling to himself, I went upstairs to investigate. This is what I saw.

Well, I just stood there and laughed and laughed. It was such a Nathan-esque thing to do; it was like he was saying with his Tower of TP, “Okay, Mom. I moved the toilet paper. Are you happy?”

Now if your heart is longing for a more artsy view of the Tower, I took a picture from a different angle. I know how important it is for toilet paper to be portrayed in an artsy manner.

When I had finally finished my laughing, I called Sarah upstairs where she also got a good giggle out of the TP Tower. And then when all the laughing was over, Sarah (being a female), figured out that enough was enough and that it was time to get the toilet paper moved to its rightful home.  And just like that, the stand-off was over.

Later on, I was kidding Nathan about the whole “toilet paper in the hallway” situation and asking him how long he had been planning to leave the toilet paper in the hallway. He replied with the kind of sincerity and wide-eyed innocence that only a 19-year old college student can muster.  “But Mom! I was planning on going out to the hall and getting a roll when the current supply ran out!”

Like that was the obvious solution. Leave the toilet paper in the hallway and just get out and get some when you need it. No biggie!

He is SUCH a male. Such a beloved, funny, “non-picking up the toilet paper” kind of male.

And Sarah is SUCH a female. Such a beloved, funny “I’ll help Mom and pick up this toilet paper for her” kind of female.

And I am SUCH a Mom. Such a beloved, funny “Those kids had better jolly well pick up that toilet paper or I will have a major mamma hissy fit!” kind of Mom.

After all that excitement and drama, I am happy to report to you that our crisis is over, the hallway is neat and all is well.

And that’s the end of the story, right?

I wish.

I had actually written most of this entry before dinner and was going to finish it up and post it after we ate. Well, while Nathan and Sarah and I were at the table (Steve is away at a conference) I casually said to them, “I’m about to post a blog entry about the toilet paper and how Nathan stacked it in the hallway.”

Nathan looked at me with great puzzlement and said, “Mom, I didn’t stack the toilet paper in the hallway!”

I gaped at him and said, “You didn’t? Well, who did then?”

He said, “It must have been Dad!”

Sure enough, when Steve called home a few minutes later I asked him The Stacking TP Question and he said, “Oh yeah, I stacked it. I just called you upstairs because I was having such fun doing it.”

Somehow all along, I had assumed it was Nathan’s doing. And now my entire blog is ruined because I told the story wrong.

So here’s the deal, folks. I would like to earnestly request that you please just ignore the untrue portion of the blog that talks about Nathan’s stacking because I have spent way too much time already writing about toilet paper and I’m not going to re-write the entire blog over one little ol’ stacking error.

The bottom line is that the stand-off is over.

The toilet paper is put away. 

Mama is happy.

The end.