On the last day of Nathan and Meagan’s visit home, Steve sat on the couch with Nathan and had the kind of talk that no one really likes to have.
Steve talked to Nathan about what would happen if he and I died unexpectedly.
Not exactly happy talk.
Not exactly warm fuzzy talk.
But necessary talk. And I admire and love my husband for taking the time to do that.
Steve got out the blue binder which contains our will. He showed it to Nathan and told him the executor was his Uncle Randy. (Nathan will be made executor when he is a little older.) He told Nathan where the will could be found and they talked about inheritances, life insurance, burial costs and all that stuff that doesn’t just automatically take care of itself when parents die early.
They also talked about who Sarah would live with until she was old enough to live on her own. (At this point in the conversation–I was listening from upstairs to bits and pieces of it–I had to wipe a couple of tears.)
As they moved on to talking about Nathan and Meagan’s finances a little, it warmed my heart to hear Nathan say at one point, “That’s a good point, Dad. I wouldn’t have thought of that.”
And it occurred to me that any young person who is willing to sit down with someone a few years older and learn wisdom from them; well, that young person is set on a good road for life.
Unfortunately, we live in a culture that worships youth and tends to set to the side those who have a little gray in their hair and a little arthritis in their joints.
And Steve and I aren’t even that old, relatively speaking. There are people in their 70’s, 80’s and 90’s living among us who have so much wisdom and life experience to share. Those of us who are younger need to listen. And occasionally we need to be humble enough to say, “Thanks for that insight. I never would have thought of that.”
And so on that winter afternoon, Nathan left our house for the airport a lot wiser and a little more sober. He knows that if he ever gets the unthinkable phone call that his parents were killed in a car accident, he will be better prepared for a future that extends beyond Steve’s and my lives.
He will be grateful for a dad who lovingly took the time to look at that future with him.
He will be grateful, always, for the Couch Talk.
This post is double-edged for me… the sad, sorry saga isn’t something that needs to be aired on somebody else’s blog, but suffice it to say that my father is not the person or the parent that I’d like him to be. I tried to talk to him about a will (and a living will, too) last year, and he evaded, shrugged it off, and come to find out later, outright lied about the situation.
I’m single, I don’t have kids, and I’m only 30. But I am in the process of putting together a simple will. Everyone should have one, if only so the people you leave behind don’t have to guess about what you wanted, in terms of everything from end-of-life care to finances to bequests.
It’s awesome that you and Steve have made sure not only that these arrangements are made, but that Nathan is aware of them. It’s also awesome that he can appreciate how awesome it is. Got that? 😉
Kristina,
You can give yourself a well earned pat on the back for having the wisdom and foresight as a 30-year old to put together a will.
I’m sorry to hear that this has been a complicated subject between you and your dad; father/daughter relationships can be so complicated.
Nathan and Sarah are two very lucky people to have parents like you and Steve. I have had this talk with my girls a couple of times because being a single person, the responsibility is even larger sometimes. I so appreciated your comment about the wisdom of the elders. My mom for so many years didn’t think her life had purpose because she couldn’t bustle around and cook and clean and accompany us on visits or fun activities. I told her many times that the fact I could still sit with her and talk to her and feel her presence and listen to her words meant more than any of the other things she missed doing with us. There were many times I would leave her room at the nursing home with a bit more knowledge or wisdom from something she had said and there was a peace that filled my heart, mind and soul. I miss those talks. I miss you mom.
Mary, what a sweet thing to say about your mom and how very, very true. Being “useful” is not wrapped up in what we do but who we are. And it sounds like your mom was a really fabulous lady. I know you miss her.
Such a good, mature talk to have. You are setting the right example for your young man!
Nancy, we’re just trying to do everything we can to make his life a little more manageable if bad stuff happens down the road. Happy he was so willing to listen, even though it was a very sobering topic.
We just put a binder together last weekend and plan to have the talk with our son next time he is home. It is not fun but feels so good that we are helping them in the long run.
Kathy, good for you! I agree it’s not a fun talk but it is a great feeling to know that those things are taken care of. And you’re exactly right–you are helping out in the long run.
It’s good that things are talked about…and that you have wills and what-not in order. Surprising to me, my parents did NOT until my mom was diagnosed with cancer. As a teenager, I did wonder at times who on earth I would end up if anything happened to them given that my grandparents were in nursing homes, my uncles provinces away and not in the best position to take on a teenage girl, and no one else. Thankfully, that never came up, but should I get married and have children, we will have a will from day one…
Music Girl, I;m glad to know that you learned a good lesson from your parents not making a will and deciding that that is something that YOU will do! Even as a single person, I would imagine it’s important to have a will since you no doubt have certain people, organizations or charities you’d want any belongings or money to go to.
I have 4 sisters and our parents never talked to us about Wills, etc., it actually was the other way around. We tried to talk to them about Wills, their funerals, but they would never listen – let’s not talk about that now. They were in their 70’s at the time, and they both passed away in 2011. We girls had to do all the planning. Bless you Steve for taking the time to discuss this with Nathan.
Sharyn, kudos to you and your sisters for making an effort to bring this subject up to your parents. It’s sad that they never helped you plan their funerals but I know you and your siblings arranged things in the best way that would honor the people you love.
Such a important talk and and a important one.I I do wonder where would Sarah live you were killed in accident both of you? With some family?
Trine, Sarah would live with my sister, Debbie, and her husband, Randy.
Yes, I need a binder, and I need to have that talk with my sons! I was seriously ill last year with a different strain of pneumonia in each lung. It’s been a full year of me saying that I need to do something to organize what’s what and talk to them. You’ve “shamed” me into getting a binder while I’m out today!
Jan, so very happy to know you’re putting feet on your intentions! You (and yours sons) will rest easier at night knowing that is taken care of. And I’m also happy that you’ve recovered from your pneumonia; I’ve never heard of a different strain in each lung. Sounds very serious!
at 73 it was long past time to talk to my kids, but I have talked to them… several years ago. We just never know when they will need that information
Sharon, good for you for already having the talk!!
Yes, I need to have this talk with my son.
Guerrina, yes, having the talk would certainly put your mind and heart at ease. And that’s a good thing!
This came up at our house before my hubby and I went on our first vacation out of the country. Our daughter is the oldest, so we had that very same talk with her. She didn’t want to think that something could happen to us, but I felt better knowing that she knows about the important stuff and will be able to assist my brother (executor) who lives out of town, when or IF that time comes. Very sobering indeed. But so necessary. My info is all in the filing cabinet but I like the idea of a binder. I think I will borrow your idea and do that too. It would make it so easy for those who have to do something with it. Thanks!
LeeAnne, a trip out of the country would most definitely be the time to have the talk; so glad you did it, even though I understand how it would make your daughter uncomfortable and sad. Kudos on being good parents!