This Saturday is the prom at Sarah’s High School. She hadn’t planned to attend and I really wasn’t all that gung-ho about her going since I’ve heard more than a few wild stories from prom-goers over the years.
However, after talking with a friend of mine (who is a teacher at Sarah’s school) I found out that the Manteo prom is small, well-chaperoned and decidedly “non wild.” So a couple of weeks ago I asked Sarah if she was interested in it. She said she wasn’t.
Last week, I asked her if she’d given it any more thought. As it turns out her friend, Taylor, had been talking to her about it as well, since Taylor is going to the prom unaccompanied and thought it would be fun to hang out with Sarah and some of their other friends.
Sarah was still ambivalent about the whole deal but then last Saturday morning she texted me out of the blue and said, “I’ve decided to go to the prom!’
Of course, when a daughter suddenly makes such a decision, there is an immediate Dress Crisis that looms large. She told me she was going at 11:30 a.m., and by 1:30 p.m., the two of us were in the car with a stated mission of hitting every consignment and thrift store in a 30-mile radius.
And guess what?
We found the most lovely dress for her—perfect style, perfect color, perfect fit. (Except for some hemming.) I saw the dress online and it costs $450 new; at the consignment store, we paid just $27. Hooray for beautiful bargains!
Of course, I will be taking a ton of pictures so be sure to stop back by here next Monday to see my lovely lady decked out in all her splendor!
I know that when people talk about proms, there is usually a mental picture of a corsage-carrying young man coming to the front door to pick up his date. And that might bring up the question, “Why is Sarah going to the prom with girl friends and not with a date?
Well, over the past 3 1/2 years that we’ve lived in Manteo, a few guys have asked Sarah out. Each time she has politely but firmly told them, “Thank you, but I’m not dating right now.” When several guys receive the very same answer from the very same girl, word tends to get around.
We’ve told Sarah that she could start going on single dates when she turned sixteen. Before a date could take place, however, the young man would have to come to the house for dinner so that Steve and I could get to know him. If we felt comfortable, then she would be allowed to go out with him. (And Sarah recently informed me that even when she turns eighteen in a couple months, she still wants to follow that guideline of having a potential date come to the house first.)
So although Sarah is most definitely old enough to date, no one so far has had the combination of qualities she’s looking for.
But that’s okay. There’s no hurry.
I recently read a profound quote from Jon Acuff that says:
“You can fast-forward childhood, but you can’t rewind it.”
When I see 13-year old kids getting heavily involved in dating relationships that saying comes to mind and I think, “What’s the rush?”
And that’s basically Sarah’s mindset, as well.
She’s 17 years old. She is lovely on the outside and beautiful on the inside. There are, I’m sure, boys at school who admire her from afar. But she knows that going out on a date is a big deal, giving your heart to someone is an even bigger deal, and giving your body to someone is the biggest deal of all. And yet kids continue to do all of those things at younger and younger ages.
Steve has told Sarah more than once, “You only marry someone you date.” That may sound simplistic but think about it for a moment. If a young woman only dates someone she would actually consider marrying, it would cut out a lot of the drama, trauma and heartache that follows so many teenagers through their growing up years.
As a pastoral couple, Steve and I have spent hours counselling people in unhappy marriages. We’ve heard the same kind of story so many times, “Well, I knew he wasn’t right for me, but we just started going out, and then we fell in love and now here we are.”
You only marry someone you date. Simple. True. Important.
Girls, let me just reassure you that young men will always be around. As far as I know, there is no dastardly plot for all the young men of the world to be suddenly vaporized into nothingness, thus robbing you of all your future chances for dating and eventual marriage.
They will always be there. Don’t rush.
Take this time as a single young woman to grow in poise, self confidence, and maturity. Learn how to be happy in your own company because if you don’t learn that, you will never be happy with someone else. Realize that a boy’s kiss cannot fill the empty places in your life. You have to fill those yourself.
There is plenty of time ahead for relationships and commitments. You’re only a teenager one time and as exciting as it may seem to grow up fast, just remember–you can’t rewind your childhood and you can’t undo things you regret.
If you’re not getting asked out on tons of dates, it’s okay. Be encouraged to know that all the “cool girls” are not dating. Sarah is pretty cool and she’s not dating. And she’s good with that.
I’m not saying dating is wrong, or that dating is a bad choice. I’m just saying that it’s an area of life where you need to tread lightly; it’s an area where you need to hold tightly to your heart, and your purity, and your innocence. Live your life according to the compass of your own convictions, the standards of your own soul. You’ll never be sorry for not fast forwarding the youthful years of your life.
This picture is about five years old. I’ve always loved it because it shows Sarah on the threshold between being a little girl and a young woman.
For an extra picture bonus, here are some Memory Lane pictures of Nathan (as a sophomore) and Meagan when they went to the formal at his Christian school.
What’s funny is that the two of them weren’t even dating at the time; the whole reason they even went to the formal was because Meagan’s mom and I sort of “arranged” it. Nice how it all turned out! (As a side note, both Nathan and Meagan dated just one other person before they got married–a great example for Sarah to follow.)
Interesting post, Becky. I share your thoughts on the dating subject. I can still hear my mom saying “there’s no hurry in dating, you’re still young!” all through my teen years. At Sarah’s age, I had a large group of girl friends and I was not interested in dating. I loved my independance and didn’t envy my friends who had a bf because I thought they were not as free as I was. Plus, I was quite school/career oriented so I didn’t have “time” for dating 😉 I did date a little bit around 18-19 but it wasn’t my thing. I can say I found my first real love at 25 (and I’m 27… today!). I don’t mind it was that late, especially since it’s a wonderful love story that we have, and everyone is quite amazed by it hehe! I think that now, I have the matury, the time and the will to really love someone and share my life with another person. I don’t think I could’ve loved this way as a teen. So I’m very happy I was not in a rush. I trust life, and know it has many suprises for us. My love was, and I cherish it every single day.
Renee,
What a beautiful story! I love your line, “I trust life.” You also trusted your own heart and your own judgment and weren’t willing to rush into something that wasn’t right for you.
Good for you!! (And late happy birthday.)
I am happy to hear that girls will go with a group of girl friends to their proms. It should be a fun evening to enjoy being dressed up and all the hoopla, I believe too much emphasis has been put on having a date and it ends up excluding too many kids. It is interesting to read different family’s traditions and rules as to dating. I agree many young people get too serious too fast. However, I am curious about the notion “only date someone you will marry”. It seems to put a lot of pressure on both parties. I am all for a people taking their time getting seriously involved but I do think dating a bit helps you figure out the type of person who is best for you. Of course, the person should be someone with similar values, religion (if that is important to you) but I learned a lot from a couple of dating experiences that didn’t work out and they helped me make a good decision when I met my future husband. Actually a guy who I went on a couple of dates with and we both decided we were better as friends was the guy who introduced me to my husband. I guess it depends on individual family values but my mom always told me, “if he is a nice guy, give him a chance”. I was very shy as a teen and well into my twenties and it helped me to view a date as a chance to get to know someone a bit better and have some fun and not too put too much pressure on myself over it. Interesting post!!
ntkaram14,
I loved hearing your opinions and views on this subject; you made some excellent points.
I certainly agree that there is a fine line to be observed in this area; you certainly don’t want to put huge pressure on every single date wondering if this is The One and yet I am concerned about girls who date a dozen guys just because it’s “the thing to do.” Other girls find so much of their identity and self worth in whether or not they have a boyfriend and that’s also a concern.
But it sounds like you had some great guidance from your own mom and that you enjoyed and learned from the dates you had. I’m so glad your dating journey led you to a wonderful husband!
Thanks so much for joining the discussion.
I went to my prom as a junior alone. Several of us girls sat together there and enjoyed it. My senior year I had a date–friend I worked with at Ho Jo’s for six months. He started dating my cousin just before the prom but still went with me. We enjoyed being friends. My great niece went to her 8th grade prom last night. She had a friend who went with her. He is a very nice young man according to my sister. Growing up much too fast. Looking forward to Sarah’s pictures.
Good for Sarah! I’m not weighing on whether girls should date or have sex while in high school, however, I am continually impressed by Sarah’s self confidence and independence. To quote her blog, “non-stereotypical teenager” indeed!
Kristina,
I’d forgotten she used that phrase to describe herself; I’m glad you reminded me because it’s so true! 🙂 Thanks for your words of encouragement to her; I know they mean a lot.
I didn’t have my first date til I was 19. No regrets. I just wasn’t ready. I am now in my 30s and happily married – being a “late bloomer” was in no way a handicap 🙂
I applaud Sarah for listening to herself and honoring her own comfort level.
Ellen,
You’re right–there’s not a thing wrong with being a late bloomer! I’ve done a little late blooming myself. Glad you found happiness!
Trine, to a lot of people in the US meeting the parents is still a big deal when they are older. For teens though it’s more likely they will meet the parents before they go out. My kids won’t date anyone until I have met them first…at least until the move out. Once they move out I won’t have any right to meet who they are dating until they want me to. However, I hope to always have the kind of realtionship with my kids that makes them want me to meet prospective dates.
Becky, I am definitely going to have my daughter read this post. You put these thoughts out there so well. I talk to her all the time about her future dating…she’s only 12 so it won’t be for a while. She has “liked” boys & they have “liked” her but she knows she’s not allowed to date yet. Also, the types of boys she likes are always really good boys who aren’t allowed to date yet either. I love that and I hope her taste in boys stays the same forever!
Thank you for this post. And thank you for raising such wonderful children and sharing your experiences with all of us.
Lizz,
How nice that your daughter is already choosing to “like” such good guys. That’s a good habit to start so young. I’m also happy to hear that the two of you have such a great, open relationship and that you spend a lot of time talking about these things. Communication is soooo important!
Love this post and oh is it perfect timing! I have always said I think our daughters are so much alike and this post makes me think they definitely are! Jill has never had a real date either. She is 17 too and went to her prom last weekend with just a good friend from church, but she hasn’t had anyone she is interested in enough to date either. She also sees all the drama her friends have with boys and just thinks most of it isn’t worth it. Sometimes she feels like she is weird because of it, but I try to tell her it is probably for the best and when she finally meets someone who meets her criteria then it will be worth the wait. I can’t say things as eloquently as you have above, so I am going to have her read this to back up our many conversations. As always I appreciate your insight and wise words! Loved the photos of Meagan and Nathan too!
Boys and drama–yep, they tend to go together. I’m glad that even at the age of 17 Jill is happy to not be in a serious relationship and that she gets to miss out on some of that drama!
And even though she may be tempted to feel weird sometimes, she is the furthest thing from it! She knows her own mind and her own heart and there’s nothing weird about that!
I’m honored that you would have her read this post–thanks for letting me know.
I am wondering the same thing as Nadine 🙂 However I find it interestering to read your thoughts about this subject. I am 22 and I have never been on a date or been in a relationship. When I was about 14-15 I had a crush but well just a crush. However it is also only since last year I really got a interest in having getting involed in a relationship – but I am not in a hurry though.
My thoughts on this: Or maybe I should tell you a bit about Denmark Becky? 🙂 Here I have never heard about such thin as the young woman/man should come to the parent first. Auctually it would be quite unthinkable and would viewed as old-fashioned. Here it is more… the opposite if you could say so if the girl/boy lives at home well then it is naturally that the parents will meet the boy/girl friend sooner or later, however if they no longer live at home, for the boy/girl it is viewed as a big thing to meet the parents – and i have heard that some even wait for years to do so…
My own thoughts about it: I am not really against dating – however I do not believe you should hurry. I also think that you can learn something from the different date expierences you may have – life lessons. I mean you can learn something from different relationships. However what I find scary is how young people can be nowadays when they have sex for the first time – I am 22 and still a virgin. But I know that many start as young as 13-14 which I find actually scary. One thing is to be curious and have a “”boy friend”” (I ask myself how serious they even are about it and that time) and have a kiss ( i kissed when I was 8 hehe :D) but sex that is something else… Sex I believe is a very personal thing and should be between 2 people who love each other. And I actually find it sad the some people as young as 13 have sex. I know that when you are 13 then you think of yourself as sooo grown up but you are closer to be a child really… If I had a child I would definatly talk to her/him about waiting when it came to sex. Here it is legal to have sex at 15. I would not forbid anything but I would be sue to talk to my child about how big a thing sex actually is. I for my part kind of believe in the no sex before marriage thin – or at least I am waiting until my first serious relationship…
Another thing is that I am lesbian 🙂 But I am not like one of those who is a part of a community. I do not go to lesbian parties etc. It is fine that they exsist but I cannot imagine myself being a part of such thing because I believe it would be wrong place to find a really kind girl because I believe it is too much focus on the sexual orientation, while I rarely think about it – I am Trine, I am just not my sex oration. So that is why I want to find a really nice girl the normal way because I believe love happens when you least expect it it. 🙂
I think it is a good thing that you have an opnion and attiude. So many parents do not really care and I think that is a shame. 🙂
Oh and sorry about the length of my comment 🙂
Trine, it’s always wonderful to get a comment from our Denmark friend! 🙂
Thanks so much for sharing some of the customs and habits of Denmark in regard to the traditions of relationships and dating; I found it fascinating! I suppose many would consider it old fashioned here as well to have someone meet the parents before they take a person out on a date. But in some cases, old fashioned is good! (Meagan and Nathan both asked the other set of parents for permission to date.)
I agree with you wholeheartedly that 13 is WAY too young to have sex. And I’m sad that Denmark makes it legal at the age of 15 because that’s way too young, too! You are so wise to have a plan to talk with your kids (when the time comes) about how big a deal sex is and why it is so important to wait. Good for you!
Thanks again for your comment and for sharing your life and your experiences–it’s great to hear from you!
You are welcome 🙂 I am glad you found it fascinating. I was a bit shocked byhow much I wrote.
Also what I forgot to ask is this, is there such thing as legal age when it comes to sex in USA or does it depend on which state you are living in?
Do children/young people have sex education in school or do it also depend on the state?
Trine, the “age of consent” varies from 16-18, depending on which of our 50 states you live in.
About two-thirds of all public school districts have a policy to teach sex education; the rest leave policy decisions up to individual schools or teachers.
Very, very wise words on dating and marriage.
Jessica, thanks. Every family has to find their own way in these matters but this is what works for us!
quite wise…all of you smiths!
Thanks, Mrs. Pam. Lots of life lessons learned; lots of life lessons we’re still learning!
What intrigues me is how you’d view it if Sarah had a male “bff”? Or how this is seen in the US in general.
I am asking because I do not have any female friends at all. My hobbies and interests are more classic for boys/ men (computers, technology, spaceflight, politics, card modelling, soccer), while “girly” things like clothes, jewellery, make-up or celebrity-fandom bore me to death (I don’t even own a dress or skirt), so my circle of friends consists of men only. And it would never occur to any of us to date romantically. Sometimes I think they see me as neutral, not female (which I am perfectly fine with). Add, that in my university course we’re three women and 45 men and the opportunity to hang out with women shrinks drastically.
So, how is this in the US? As strictly divided girls with girls and boys with boys as I perceive it to be, or more mixed than I think it is?
For Sarah I wish her to have tons of fun at the prom with her friends!
How is Meagan doing with her pregnancy, by the way? Hope everything is well!
best wishes, Nadine from Germany
Nadine,
I’m impressed that you’re interested in computers, technology, spaceflight, etc.You would be a very interesting person to have dinner with!
And to be in university classes with such a small number of females and to be able to capably and happily hold your own with that kind of ratio? I’m impressed again!
That’s a great question you asked about girls having boys as best friends. Sarah’s good friend has several boys in her life that she’s close friends with but she doesn’t date them. I think if a girl and guy can keep the relationship happily platonic (on both sides) that it’s sort of cool to have a relationship like that–almost the equivalent of having a brother or sister in your life. Sarah likes talking with guys at school or in the youth group at church and I’ve seen a lot of other teens in those sorts of casual, platonic relationships which I think is great.
(Note: As married people, Steve and I draw the line at having a close friend of the opposite sex; we just feel that it’s wiser to set some boundaries in that area.)
Nadine, forgot to answer your question about Meagan–she’s doing great!! I hope to have another picture to post soon. Thanks for asking.
This is exactly what Abby (14) and I have been talking about!! So many of her friends have “boyfirends” and I have told her several times… enjoy school, have fun, keep your girlfriends close… because now that I have been out of high school for 20 years… I can say that there is not one “boy” who I thought was cute, or whatever that I still have a relationship with… however, I have several of my girlfriends from high school that I still talk to on a regular basis and we are still great friends! Abby has an 8th grade dance coming up as well, and she was worried because everyone she knows was going with a “date”… however, now she 3 other friends that she is going with, and I know they will have a blast!! I hope Sarah enjoys herself and I can’t wait to see pictures of her all dressed up and gorgeous!! 🙂
Tiffany,
You’re giving Abby some great advice!
Isn’t it interesting how you’re still friends with girls from school but not with any of the boys from back then? I speak from experience when I say that long time friendships like that are treasures beyond words. You’re blessed to have them.
So glad Abby is going to the 8th grade dance with her three friends. Sounds like a fun night!
How funny… my experience has been almost exactly the opposite. I am still close to two of the boys (now, I suppose I should call them men!) I went to school with; one from middle/high school, one college. I never dated either of them, we have always been “just friends.” I have tenuous relationships (Facebook, etc.) with several girls/women I was friends with at school, but our lives went in different directions and we are no longer close.
A completely separate note — I hate the phrase “just friends.” It sounds so trivializing, and there is nothing trivial about great friendship!
I agree with your, “just friends” comment. It makes it sound as if romance is innately the most desired outcome between two people, with friendship merely being runner up. Not so. Friendships are deeply, profoundly valuable in life.
“Friends are the family you choose for yourself.”
🙂
When I was teaching, quite a number of my female students went with “the girls” to the prom. They said it was so much easier, much less pressure, and they had a much better time! Sarah is so very wise.
Jan,
Yep, I agree. I think it would be less pressure in many ways. And gal friends are a whole lot of fun!! 🙂
Thank you! I am printing this out for my 18 year old son – he just went to his last prom and has been struggling with the dating issue. I believe this will really help him.
Mona,
I am honored that you would want to share my words with your son! I truly hope it encourages him to know that other people (like Sarah) are not dating either. So sorry to hear he’s been struggling with this.
Sounds like Sarah has a great deal of wisdom. My husband didn’t date anyone until we met a month before we turned 20 (me) and him 22. That actually makes me feel loved that he felt secure enough to wait until God brought us together. I dated a little and at the time it seemsed so important. Looking back from the vantage point of how I can see how God created my family in a unique fashion I just shake my head at all my worrying back then. God worked it all out for me and he will do the same for Sarah.
This morning I came across a book by one of my favorite authors that I think Sarah would be interested in. It’s a a Christian book for young women / teens about praying for their future husbands .
http://shop.robingunn.com/p-114-praying-for-your-future-husband.aspx
Have a great day and thanks for sharing!
Jenna
Jenna,
Wow–how cool that you were the first girl your husband-to-be ever dated. He knew enough to wait for the best! 🙂
Thanks for the link; it looks like a great book!
Sarah is a wise young woman, and you and Steve are wise parents!
Angela, well, we’re trying!
My sons went to many proms. Had to limit them. None of them went with dates. They were the “accessory” just like the dress, the hair do, etc for the girls, but also good friends, with the exception of one son who had friends find him a prom “date” because he really did not want to go stag to his senior prom. Around here a lot of boy-girl friendships that are not at all on the dating plane.
So here, one can go alone, with a group of friends of the same sex or not, or with dates, same or different sex. There really are no limiting factors, but most of the kids like to take the traditional route of having “date” even if the date is not really a “date”. As you so aptly show even a nondate can turn into a real date and more, however.
Cath, it’s great to hear that your community and school allows kids to go to prom as friends and doesn’t push the whole dating thing too hard. As an older friend told me this week, she thinks proms can be more fun when you DON’T have a date! 🙂
I’m almost 23 and have never been on a date. It’s definitely a big decision. I envy all of your thrift store stories, I have never had much success! Prom or grad is a special event, and one that I’m glad I did take part of (We had a grad after-banquet party until 7am-chaperoned, NO alcohol, and we couldn’t leave and then come back-it was just a nice time to hang out with everyone we would mostly soon not be seeing frequently a couple of days before we walked across the stage).
MusicGirl,
Sounds like your grad after-banquet party was so much fun, especially since you were getting to ready to graduate and head off different directions.
And as for being 23 and never had a date? Good for you for not rushing into things! Twenty-three is still very young–young enough to have decades upon decades of dating and relationships to look forward to, if that’s the direction you choose to head. I know of people who stayed single their whole lives and were happy and fulfilled. Wherever you end up, I wish you happiness along the way!