I was in the kitchen last week when, for no reason whatsoever, I started singing. I wasn’t aware that Steve was in the next room, so I was startled when I heard him say wistfully, “I miss hearing you sing.”
His words have kept coming back to me.
Steve and I have been on a platform together–in various states, cities, and churches–almost every Sunday for the first forty years of our marriage. I had never thought about the fact that after all those years together, he would miss the simple sound of my singing. In some ways, it’s been a soundtrack of his life. His comment touched me and made me sad, all at the same time.
I haven’t sung at all (except for random snippets at home), and I haven’t touched a piano (except to teach Madi a little). To put aside a part of my life that has been integral to who I’ve been since I was a young child has been unsettling. But the desire isn’t there, nor are the opportunities.
After writing music for over five decades (and recording a lot of original music projects), I haven’t written a song in four years.
And after eighteen years of being a pastor’s wife and hosting hundreds of meals in our home, I haven’t hosted anyone for a meal in the past two and a half years, except for family and a couple of friends that have come for an out-of-town visit. I have yet to make any friends in Charlotte.
And as surprising as this may be, after having gone to church since I was about a week old, I haven’t attended a service in several months. I still pray and read the Bible every day. I still believe everything I’ve believed just as strongly as I ever have. But for this temporary season in my life, I’m taking a step back. (Steve still attends and plays bass in the worship band.)
For so many years of my life, Sunday meant stress, whether we were traveling (for fifteen years, we did services/concerts around the country), or whether we were pastoring. Although I loved both traveling and being a pastor’s wife, there was still plenty of stress.
In the traveling chapter of our life, I geared up for concerts and services with small children in tow, setting up gear, making song lists, getting to know a new pastor, congregation and church, trying my best to remember songs, lyrics, arrangements, chords, getting ready in an RV, and smiling through a thousand concerts even though sometimes my heart was hurting.
As a pastor’s wife, Sundays meant juggling graphics, screens, sheet music, playing and singing, while still trying to focus on the most important things–worshipping God and being available to our dear congregations as their pastor’s wife.
To get up now on a Sunday without any stress at all has been very healing to me. As I said, I know it’s for a season, but it’s where I am for now.
I have gained weight (emotional eating strikes again), and so none of the clothes I love fit. When I shop for clothes, I usually end up in the car in tears because nothing works for the particular shape of my body and everything seems designed for thin, trendy people or women who are ninety-ish.
Every night I tell Steve, “Well, let me go back to the bedroom and wrangle my outfit for tomorrow.” In my book, wrangling means to stand in front of my closet and sigh and mutter and finally pull out something I have worn twice already in the last two weeks. I’m sure my office mates are well familiar with all nine pieces of my wardrobe.
And of course, my health isn’t fabulous, what with cantankerous lungs and rebellious joints in my fingers, and the addition of some increasing back pain despite a year of chiropractic treatment.
I am in my sixties. Sixty-three, to be precise.
It didn’t help my overall feeling of angst to come across an article recently about the Invisible Woman Syndrome which, according to Google, is, “A phenomenon which commonly strikes after age fifty when many women report feeling less noticed, less prioritized, and sometimes less respected by society as they grow older.”
Since Sarah and I were talking about some related topics, I emailed her to ask if she had heard of the syndrome. Her reply was so wise and dear; I am sharing it with her permission.
Mom, I’ve heard of that syndrome too, so I’m glad you were also aware of it. I’ve heard it connected to menopause, basically: “If you’re no longer fertile and youthful looking, you have nothing more to contribute.” All the while, older men often get called “silver foxes,” which is such a double standard.
But you have so much wisdom, insight, and experience to share! I’m so glad you are still sharpening your mind and stewarding your voice; don’t let your stage of life hold you back! I know your mom would be proud of you.
Such encouraging words.
I’m not even quite sure why I’ve written about all this mishmash of my feelings; I am well aware that compared to what so many others go through, this is nothing. But I thought maybe you could relate to a little of it or all of it. It’s always good to be reminded that we’re not alone.
And also, whatever season you and I are in right now, we’ve never been here before. The landscape is strange and the road unfamiliar. And so I think we need to give ourselves grace as we navigate the newness; we need to be as kind to ourselves as we are to our family and friends. And I truly believe we are doing better than we think.
pictured below shows what I looked like before all the decades and the seasons conspired to turn me into sixty-three years old.
I’ve had traumatic days and golden days. But I am still kicking. Still standing strong. Still smiling and still singing–even if it is just in the kitchen.
And most importantly? I am seen. You are seen.
We all live under the loving gaze of the God who birthed this planet. And we are (not one of us) ever unseen.
What about you?
What season are you in? What does the landscape of life look like for you right now?
Thanks for sharing what many of us feel and go through with you. Alot changes between 60 and 70 , but we are not the first or the last- Good to know others have passed this way and made it into the golden years by God’s merciful grace. Ruth
So many reasons to love this golden post! Thank you for sharing and for being so transparent. It’s always helpful to know we’re not alone in whatever season we’re in.
You’ve been on quite a journey since you moved to Charlotte. So many changes on every level. I’m so glad you have had this time to pull back from certain things and just be.
And by just being your wonderful self, you continue to impact the lives of your family, your co-workers and your readers. You are so loved and appreciated! ❤️
Here in my 58th year, I’m living very simply. I’m home most of the time. Taking care of a high maintenance cat and the house is my full time job. I tell the cat she needs to raise my salary but I think it’s still under consideration. You and Ruth are my cherished and only friends.
And it’s ok. I needed some time to pull back and heal too. Not sure if I’ll ever be whole again– I’m certainly not the person I was in younger years. But as Steve has said, we’ve been splattered across the windshield a few times! We’ve got stories to tell, a few dents and bruises and the rose colored glasses got smashed somewhere along the way. But here we are, still standing with some wind left in our sails. Well, maybe not wind but we’ve got a breeze–there’s definitely a breeze!
Thank you again for a beautiful, important post!
Love, Deb
I too am in the same season, 68. After moving 14 years ago I left behind many friends and have made some friends here, but no one who knows my past, and no one that I can call at the last minute and who will jump up and go somewhere with me. I had never heard of that syndrome before, but I think Sarah summed it up well. There is still much for us 60’s+ to contribute.
I truly understand what you are saying, Becky! I fully retired two years ago and in the process totally lost my self!! I was an Executive Director of a Housing Authority! Not a large one, but I was the boss!! Now, i am just responsible for my husband and my house! And to top that off have had several illnesses and a few broken bones.. I am partaking of Physical Therapy these weeks. I broke the humurous bone in my shoulder. Very painful! I finally have the brace off, but now I am dealing with what they call frozen shoulder!! Anyway, enough of my problems. My faith has pulled me through, thus far! So I will journey on!! Oh and I turn 70 the middle of September!
When I was going into an office to work, I had a “Thursday outfit.” I’m not sure how it started, but I realized every Thursday I wore a chambray shirt (with super cute balloon sleeves), white capri pants, and a colorful necklace. I decided to just embrace it and see if anyone noticed. No one ever mentioned it! It was also one less decision I had to make every week. 🙂
As someone whose body is also very different now, I understand the difficulty of finding clothes that make me feel good, and buying new clothes has become strategic. It can’t be too low cut or have a v-neck or my scars will show. If it’s too blousy, it hits at my hips and no one needs to emphasize that part of their body.
All of that is to say, I get it. Glad to hear you are taking care of yourself during this season. I think being able to name our emotions is a large part of the working through them. I learned that from Brene Brown.
Oh my goodness. I am 64, just retired and you took words and feelings right from my heart. I have not felt good about myself in Very long time due to weight gain and just low self esteem. I like the word season but it feels like my season has lasted a very long time. I was a preachers daughter and was really pushed at times and responsibilities in church that I was not called to. It pushed me away though I never stopped praying or believing. I pray for you and I that this season moves along but for right now know that you and I are loved by great husbands
and kids!
I am 66 and in a new phase as we moved a year and a half ago so have not made new friends yet. Thankfully, we have our kids and grandkids close by as well as a sister and brother-in-law who we spend a lot of time with. That is a real luxury that we have never had before and are really enjoying! We have met neighbors but don’t really spend time with any of them.
We are both still healthy and mobile so are blessed to be able to go and do what we want to do. We don’t let a lot of grass grow under our feet. We are each other’s best friend since we don’t have friends here so spend most of our time together. We’re looking forward to golf season and some warmer weather for that!
I have never heard of the Invisible Woman Syndrome. It made me Google it and read about it myself. I’m glad that I have never felt that way.
I feel your wardrobe pain. That emotional eating sneaks up on you…..been there. And the shopping thing and leaving in tears sounds way too familiar too. Like my momma used to say: “This too, shall pass”. You’re beautiful Becky. Your coworkers really don’t care what you wore on what day. Try not to be too hard on yourself. That’s the joy of mix and match! 🙂
Becky you are beautiful just the way you are. Inside and out.
Glad you are taking time for yourself.
Take care and have a wonderful day.
Becky, I resonate with what you have shared! We find ourselves in a very similar boat!
Thank you for sharing this. I am in a similar season, although for different reasons, and it is nice to hear I am not alone.
I’m in my last season, aged 81, maybe I have lung cancer, maybe not. My life looks harried. Going to physical therapy 3 days a week, still trying to be more mobile after my femur fracture 2 years ago. As to my lungs, I had my anual Chest CT in January, PET scan a while later, have a CT Guided Percutaneous Lung Right scheduled for tomorrow but I messed up and took an aspirin Friday so not enough days without them, waiting for my pulmonologist’s covering doc to see if I can still have the procedure. My life also looks like a woman constantly on the phone or holding on wait with medical people or facilities. Aren’t you glad you asked?
I feel you girl!! I will be 70 this year… wow, did I say that??? I am now a full time caregiver for my hubby of 52 years and will continue until I can’t. I have lost myself in this valley. I take care of all his needs and the house and the dog and do all the shopping and pay all the bills. I go to church on Sunday mornings for preaching service if he is having an ok day to leave him sleeping on the couch for a little while but like yesterday, I missed going because…well, allergies and a UTI have made me feel blah. I work puzzles, read, play on Facebook and wonder what I will cook for supper every night this week. So much fun I can’t control myself. But…. I am blessed going and a coming. God has blessed us and I am truly thankful that I am able to do what I do and know that He will keep me going until I can’t. I miss going to church on Sunday nights and Wed. nights and all the get togethers our Sunday School class has. I know this is just a season in my life and I soak it in while I can. I know things will change down this road. God is good and I praise Him every day.