On their trip home from the hospital last night Sarah and Gage made a special detour to pick up her wedding dress that had been on order. It was wonderful for them to get to put away hospital stuff for a minute and focus forward on the wedding–a wedding that is racing closer by the moment.
Thankfully, we got the happy news yesterday that Meagan is able to join Nathan on his trip here this weekend. Not only do I love Meagan’s company, but I am also comforted to know that a Wedding Professional will be in the house who can hold my hand and talk me down from the “We’re never going to get everything done” ledge. Hooray for dear Meagan!
Speaking of the Florida Smiths, on our last night in the hospital, Sarah, Gage, and I started talking about Sarah’s early days in the hospital when Nathan was such a big help to her. This is one of my favorite photos of them.
As we were talking, Sarah and Gage got the idea that they should re-enact that famous photo.
Gage even put his hat on backward, like Nathan did.
When they finished their walk through the past they posed beside the pictures showing the walk into their future.
Sarah’s name was beside them on the wall. Someone had gotten wind of the engagement and added Mrs. to her moniker.
Back in the room, I caught a glimpse of this little juxtapositioning of items on the hospital wall.
His hat. Her purse. Their love.
Speaking of their love, he said something during our stay that stuck with me. Referring to the fact that we were back on the transplant floor where Sarah’s life was literally snatched from the grave eighteen years ago he said, “I love walking these hallowed halls where the girl who grew up to be my wife was reborn.”
Is that not so beautiful?
As we were checking out yesterday I told Sarah and Gage we needed to get at least a couple of photos of Sarah and me together so there would be actual proof I had been there all week.
Sarah started out by putting on a pretend “I need help face” just for drama’s sake.
My hair hadn’t been washed since the Truman Administration and my sparse makeup was not hiding the stress and the sleepless nights. But I love the beauty of the love between us.
Gage was there to comfort her for real when she got the final blood draw of her stay. It was an important one because if her platelets hadn’t held steady, she would not have been allowed to go home.
The phlebotomist was so cheery. When she heard that Sarah and Gage were getting married she said, “Well, I want to give you a gift for your wedding so I’m just going to make sure this bloodwork goes through quickly. That way you can get discharged earlier.”
I love it when people love their jobs.
Sarah is right at home with medical people and their big words. One of the (many) doctors who came in wanted to feel the lump in her stomach. She replied, “The palpability is better if I lie down.”
The doctor got a big kick out of that. He had heard her say some other things during his visits and he said, “You use some big words, Sarah!”
It makes me so happy to know that when my big word user got up and brushed her teeth this morning, she was in her own bathroom, unencumbered by poles and wires and IV’s.
It’s hard to describe the kind of fatigue that accompanies a hospital stay, especially when you are there with someone whose diagnosis and treatment plan are unclear. Each time another doctor came in and asked questions, or looked at the mass in her stomach, or discussed bloodwork results, I tried to read his face, study his demeanor. Was he getting ready to drop a load of bricks in the next day or two? How would all this turn out in the end?
The constant not knowing, the continual stress, the different beds, different food–they all conspired to scramble my brain and tangle my tongue.
As an example, I was getting on an elevator at our hotel when a woman carrying a small dog got on with me. Of course, being a dog lover, I immediately commented on her dog and then added, “I have a little dog, too. She’s a plantain Yorkie.” (Meaning to say a champagne Yorkie.)
As soon as it came out of my mouth I knew it was wrong so I laughed a little and said, “What I meant to say is that my dog is a plantain Yorkie.”
She was looking at me in some bemusement, as though I were describing some new and exotic canine strain.
I mustered my flagging resources and gave it one more try. “Well, what I really meant to say is that my dog is a . . . plantain Yorkie.”
Thankfully the elevator arrived at my floor and I was able to escape before having to humiliate myself (and my dog) for the fourth time. Why in the world my brain picked a name for a banana to apply to my dog, I will never know.
When I am tired, the Duke parking garage is an especially big challenge because I tend to forget where I parked. (And yes, I do try to write it down but sometimes the aforementioned fatigue makes me forget to do even that.)
On one particular night, I was at the end of my rope–just wiped out. It was Gage’s turn to sleep on the lovely bench seat in the hospital room and my turn to go to the hotel room he and I were taking turns using. I was so looking forward to a reprieve, so looking forward to privacy, so looking forward to breathing non-hospital air.
Unfortunately, though, when I got to the garage I could not find my car.
I meandered aimlessly for a while, looking for a flash of a red Ford with OBX license plates. It was nowhere to be found.
My steps grew slower. My head pounded. My throat started to tighten.
And then suddenly, it was all too much. The worry. The unknown. The exhaustion. The fear of the future. The love for my brave, suffering daughter who, six weeks before her wedding, was having to face unspeakable uncertainties.
And I started to cry. And cry and cry.
I wandered through the parking garage, lugging my heavy bag, trying fruitlessly to wipe my eyes and nose through a mask. Not able to breathe because of compromised lungs, not being able to breathe because of the mask, not being able to breathe because of the fear.
I walked and cried, cried and walked–up and down rows of endless acres of endless cars, muttering to myself, swiping at my eyes, switching my bag from one shoulder to another, feet tired, bones tireder, feeling every minute of my fifty-nine years.
And then I got the idea of pressing buttons on my key fob and I heard the wonderful, familiar horn beep from way across the garage. With my last bit of energy, I opened the door and sank gratefully into the driver’s seat where I could pull off my mask and make way for my tears.
After about five minutes my phone beeped and I saw a text from my sister. “Is now a good time to call and check on you?”
Yes. Yes. And yes.
Her timely call was just a microcosm of all the ways people have reached out this week. There have been prayers, texts, monetary gifts, calls, meals provided, a gift basket delivered, in addition to so many amazing comments here on the blog.
People are gathering around Sarah, around our family, and helping to hold back the darkness of uncertainty and worry, letting us know we have a whole army lined up behind us as we enter yet another medical battle.
We could get preliminary biopsy results today. But definitely early next week. We’re pretty sure that surgery will have to be done. Beyond that, or in addition to that, it’s all murky.
And so we wait, once more, in the in-between. Spending time with Nathan and Meagan. Worshipping with our church family. Hunkering down. Gathering strength. Getting ready for what is to come.
And just like eighteen years ago, when whatever is out there arrives, we will all join ranks around Sarah–whether in person or from afar.
Thank you for being part of the battalion. For loving. For praying. For reaching out. Thank you for gathering around.
I’m so thankful to know that when it’s all said and done, love knows no distance and prayer knows no walls.
Becky,
I am praying for you and your family. May you feel God’s peace envelop you. Remember, you can do all things through Him who gives you strength.
I have prayed for you all several times over the weekend! Hope this time together has been wonderful and also profitable in the planning department! God is with you!
About 8 years ago when my husband was hospitalized for quadruple bypass I lost my car in the garage too. There are 2 garages next to each other and I was looking in the wrong one! Took quite a while til I figured that out. I am so happy Sarah is home and Nathan snd Megan are with you for the weekend. Hope the wedding plans are going well. My daughter is getting married May 1 and that alone is stressful enough. I can’t imagine how you are holding it all together, but I’m so glad you had this weekend together. Praying for Sarah and for the The doctors to have a clear cut treatment plan that cures her and she can go on to have a long , healthy marriage with Gage.
Michele,
Congrats on the upcoming wedding in your family. So exciting!
Praying, praying, praying! I have been reading this blog since before transplant! I have watched Sarah grow from a child to a beautiful young woman. God knows your heart and I believe there will be a gorgeous wedding come mid May!!!
Vicky,
Before transplant. Wow–a long time!
Still praying for your girl and believing that what satan mean for harm and sadness, God will turn to goodness and Grace. He’s faithful! ❤️❤️
Sarah has the cutest hair and smile! I’m so glad you’ll have a weekend surround by family. It’s just what you need.
I hope you all will have a nice weekend!
Dearest Becky, despite the anxiety all of us Sarah-fans are feeling, I’m sure you would be glad to hear I laughed out loud ! at the ‘plantain Yorkie’ story, you have such a gift for story-telling, it was so funny and something I completely empathise with, something I could easily do myself. Also, Sarah being on our mind every day, I thought you might like to hear of the dream I had the other day… see how much even my subconscious is there with this precious little lass I have never even met. it was such a vivid dream, I was in our local very small town (Winchcombe, Glos, UK) and bumped into you and Sarah, sightseeing … I was so surprised and delighted and asked, rather humbly,if I could be with you for a while… you kindly said I could, and we walked around the town together (I directed you to a quilting exhibition in the local church which I thought you would like.) I woke so happy to know you and Sarah were OK and I had spent some time with you.
Your photographs here were very beautiful.
I long for good news for you all xxxx
Teresa,
Glad you enjoyed the plantain Yorkie story. I’ve giggled about it a few times myself. 🙂 Thanks for your compliment on my story telling. I DO love stories!
And I love that Sarah and I got to tour a little bit of the UK in your dream. A place we have always wanted to visit. Thanks for the tour.
So glad Meagan is able to come with Nathan for the weekend. I’m sure she will be both a comfort and big help in wedding plans.
I was lucky that I was able to park in the same spot almost every day when my mom was in the hospital in December. And many times my drive home included a phone call to my uncle, I have no sisters. Unfortunately he passed away in early January.
Funny story about parking garages. Years ago when I had only been in Kansas City about 8 months, I had an emergency appendectomy at the hospital I worked at. My parents drove from their house about 2 hours away. They’ve always lived in a small town so weren’t accustomed to parking in large parking garages. Add that to stress over my surgery and they had no idea where they had parked when they left at about 2:00 AM! So they’re wandering the garage in a not so great area of town. After that night, I made sure they left earlier and remembered where they parked.
Continued prayers for all of you.
Phyllis,
Oh wow. Wondering in a garage at 2 a.m. while exhausted would be horrible. I’m sure that’s an experience they will never forget!
I’m so glad you are home! I hope you have a wonderful, happy weekend full of laughter and wedding plans!
I ALWAYS lose my car when I’m exhausted. I have several serious health conditions that can cause major problems. I’ve lost track of the number of times I’ve have had to call a cab or walk home because I can’t find my car in the parking lot.
I also lose my car keys when I’m overtired, although I have several backup sets at home.
It’s your body’s way of telling you to slow down and get some rest or sleep. (I have been following your blog got years, although I rarely post!)
Debbie Patton (banjokatt)
Debra,
Backups of key sets are a great idea. Glad I’m not the only one who does garage-wandering.
Thanks for leaving a comment!
Your post today gave me goose bumps. So glad Sarah is home. Have been in that place, but in the basement of a department stores, and it is because I feel claustrophobic. PRESS THAT BUTTON BECKY! Deprived of sleep really does havoc on ones mind and body. So thankful that it was trade-off time with Gage. May the Lord have given you the rest that was needed.
I’m always beeping my car in garages, its a great invention.You’ve had a hard long week and deserve all the tears. So thankful your sister called when she did. The still waiting part is hard but this weekend will help refuel everyone for any battle ahead. I went back last night to your earliest email pages, just to reflect how far she has come, how far you all have come. Praying for good news and a weekend of comfort and wedding excitement.
Lesley,
Reading back over old posts is a great idea; gives some perspective.
So glad that you are going to have a much-needed weekend at home! Please do try to get some rest and relaxation along with that wonderful family-time. Always in our thoughts, Fred & Lucy 🙂
Great news that Sarah is home and they picked up her Wedding dress as well. Exciting times to come planning the wedding.
So wonderful that Meagan is able to come with Nathan for the weekend. I cried with you as you were tired and not finding your car, but it was so much more than that. I have Sarah in my prayer notebook and pray for her each day in my devotions and through out the day as I think of her. God Bless you all.
Wendy,
Such an honor to be included in your prayer book and in your thoughts throughout the day. You Smithellaneous folks are the best!
I’m very relieved to know Sarah is home, and that Nathan and Meagan are there to help with all-things-wedding, and that Gage and Sarah picked up her dress (which I cannot WAIT to see), and that you had a cathartic cry + sister conversation, and that Sarah seems to be feeling better (I love Zaxby’s, but we don’t have those here so it’s rare I get to eat their food).
🙂
Your prayer battalion is suited up and armed for the battle, and we know without a doubt who wins the war.
Love,
Suzie
I may or may not have set MY OWN car alarm off once or twice or *ehem* a few times before to find my car in a parking deck. Also, I am in prayer for you and your family on a daily basis.
Your post made me teary, Becky… our stresses are different, but I could so relate to reaching that point where the tears finally come. I’m thankful for your sister texting at just the right moment, and for high enough platelets, and for Sarah coming home for the weekend to be with her amazing family. I’m thankful for Gage and for his love and devotion to Sarah. Y’all are all covered in prayer, by so many! Hugs from GA.
Sometimes there is no greater medicine than being surrounded by family at home. Thrilled to hear that Sarah will be loved on this weekend – especially from her brother and sister in law…that is truly amazing. Praying hard to a faithful Father that can do all things and for yet another miracle for your Sarah. Praying for strength for you all while you wait in the in between.
Monique,
Yes, our time with the family was AMAZING medicine. So grateful.
So happy Sarah was able to come home. I know you all will have a wonderful weekend.
So glad you were able to find your car. I have forgotten where I parked at a shopping center before. Looked my car for over an hour. Finally the security rode around and found it. I just knew we went in at a certain store but no I was totally wrong. Sad thing was I had a friend with me. We decided it was just a senior moment. Your reason for not being able to find your car was much more understandable than mine.
I will be praying for good news on Sarah’s biopsy and that you hear something real soon.
Get some much needed rest and enjoy your kids.
Love and Hugs,
Yes! The horn beep! I have also popped the trunk, so I can see it fly open across the parking lot! …. The downside to THAT method is that if I’m too far away, I have now exposed the contents of my trunk to would-be thieves. 🙄
Bev,
Yep, I got to the car one day last week to see that the back of my car had been opened in my frantic pushing of buttons. Oh well. No thieves had descended. 🙂
Grabbing Kleenex while reading this. Decompress as much as is possible this weekend and take time to enjoy the wedding planning. I remember so many years ago getting a call at work from a mutual friend of ours telling me about Sarah’s diagnosis and asking for prayer. As it was then, so it is now – prayers up! The “in between” is the hardest place to hang out. Hugs!
Having no children myself, I can’t even imagine what it is like to go thru this with a child. I have had similar instances with my husband, but a child is so different. So thankful you are home. Prayers for a great weekend with Nathan and Megan and prayers for good test results.
Oh Becky, your words, and images, have me in goosebumps and tears. So glad for the timely text from a sister. Besides your family, you do have a full army of folks walking with you in this, near and far. I think of the poem Footprints in the Sand. While we know who belongs to the first set of prints, you’ve got a whole load of folks trouncing behind, just tearing up that beach! Yes. Love knows no distance. I wish you peace in this in-between time. We are with you.
I was so happy to wake up to this wonderful news! Wedding dress on board and hoping a good nights sleep for all. Wonderful news that Meagan is also on the way. Enjoy the weekend!
I’m sitting in the 4th floor waiting room of Duke’s chc waiting for lab work to be done for my daughter & you all came to mind so I’m checking in. Such fantastic news that you got to go home. And I know Sarah is excited to pick up her dress. Enjoy a wonderful weekend with N & M!
Sara,
Hugs to you and your daughter. We’ve been in those Duke waiting rooms so many times.
I been praying- little tip. I always Take a photo with my phone in parking garages I take the number of floor and where I park my car.
Sometimes a big, big cry is all that will help with those pent up emotions. This weekend will hopefully get you all revived, regrouped and ready for what is to come. And in the mean time, you will be living the mother-of-the-bride life as you talk wedding and spend some quality family time together. How wonderful that Meagan will be coming too! Bonus! Love, hugs and prayers!
Soooo happy she’s back home to get some good ole OBX fresh salt air & the ‘hug’ that being home affords us. Sarah, you, Gage, & Preacher exemplify the meaning of courage. God bless you all Becky. We ❤️ each of you.
That key fob trick is amazing, isn’t it? I learned it from a shuttle driver at Buffalo Airport. Shuttle full of people who’ve been flying all night or day, all the want to do is go home… and the shuttle driver was NOT going to let a little thing like a poor memory spoil the ride.
I’m so happy she’s home, wedding dress all ready. I’m so sorry for your Big Cry, but honestly, I think you needed it. I also think you deserve it. And I loved, loved, loved the re-enactment photo shoot!
Oh! I told ya’ about my glare! Expensive, world-class medical treatment? Well, it might have contributed a little bit. But my glare is also world class.
Enjoy your family weekend.
Beautiful walk of faith…through a parking lot.
You encourage us all in your own time of weakness.
Ruth
If you have a smartphone, take a picture (or several) of where your car is parked. I have found this to be really helpful in retracing steps in bewildering parking lots. ❤️❤️❤️
I hope you have the best weekend ever with all the family!! I can’t wait to see pics and hear wedding details as they come together!! I know it will all be perfect, I remember the pics from Nathan and Meagan’s wedding… 🙂 Prayers will continue to be lifted up for you al!! I will see you guys when you get back to Durham…and as always, am here for whatever you may need that I can help with!