(Note: I wrote much of this post several months ago as I was preparing myself for mom’s upcoming passing.)
It was January of 2022.
I stood in the middle of the kitchen and wailed, “I want Mom!”
I had Covid and hadn’t been eating much. Even when I got hungry, I didn’t feel up to cooking and nothing tasted good. On this particular night, after Steve had patiently prepared a couple of delicious things that I didn’t have the appetite for, he finally went into the living room and said to call him if I thought of anything else that sounded good.
And as he went out, the tears came in.
I stood in the middle of the kitchen and thought about the times when I was sick as a child. Mom would always make my favorite foods, test my forehead for fever, and then tuck me in with a comfy blanket. And the thing I remember most is that she would give me a pan and a spoon. If I needed anything, I could just bang on the pan and she would magically appear in the doorway, bringing with her equal parts of compassion, serenity, and soup,
With all of those memories swirling around me in the kitchen, my heart continued to pound with the phrase, “I want Mom.”
And at that moment I felt the need for her all the more keenly than ever before because the doctors had just told us her time to leave this earth would be in the upcoming weeks/months. I was missing her ahead of time, staring into the lonely void of mom-lessness that was inexorably drawing near.
And now? Today?
Mom is gone.
At 6:06 a.m., she went peacefully away to be with Jesus and her beloved Ed, who we lost thirteen years ago. A few moments after her passing, I retrieved her soft white socks and gently put them on her feet, weeping, and remembering all the times she put my socks on as a little girl.
And with the socks came the memories–memories of Mom going out on Ruth and Arnold’s deck and surveying the sun-spattered Wisconsin hills, taking a childlike delight in watching the squirrels, the birds, and the occasional doe flit shyly by. She would commune with God and thank Him for the artistry of His creation, the glory of the Wisconsin dawn, and the shimmering splendor of each golden hour.
But she has moved on from Wisconsin. She has changed addresses.
She has tossed her cane, jettisoned her wheelchair, and started trekking through endless heavenly hills and meadows, making the acquaintance of the birds and the woodland creatures and telling them that she is going to be hanging out with them for a good long while–at least a couple of trillion years or so.
So although I really do want Mom, I also want her to be happy and to be free of pain. I want her to be embraced by the place she has longed to be for so long–reunited with her husband and her parents. Content in the presence of the Lord whom she has loved so faithfully since she was a small girl.
As loud as the kitchen cry of my heart was, heaven’s cry was even louder.
I can just picture God at the time of her Homegoing, picking up a heavenly pan and banging out a joyful, raucous racket, calling for her to come home, saying, “Jo Ann Campbell, I can’t wait for you to see everything I’ve been preparing for you. It’s time!”
He watched her arrival, watched all those qualities that made her who was she on earth melt into the glory of who she has become in heaven.
Her earthly loved ones mourn. Her heavenly loved ones smile. And as my eyes fill with tears, I am comforted by the memories of the six decades I was blessed to call her Mom.
She prayed a plethora of prayers over her family. She supported missionaries out of meager funds. She walked through the worst of times bolstered by a bedrock faith and amazing grace.
She cooked innumerable, thrifty, tasty meals for our family of eight, rarely using a recipe and showing me by example the joy of simple home cooking. I passed those skills down to Sarah so Mom continues to live on through the meals Sarah and I cook for our husbands each night.
She was thankful for the smallest thing and turned the cultivation of contentment into an art form. She was quiet and gentle and one of the best listeners this earth has ever known. She listened far more than she talked and that is one of the best gifts she gave me.
When I was a child, she put me on her lap and let my hands ride along on her hands as she played the piano. When she sat at the kitchen table to write a letter, she would give me a paper so I could squiggle along with her, even before I knew how to write. If you’ve ever enjoyed my music or my writing, you have Mom to thank.
The world is suddenly emptier without her presence and her prayers. But just because she’s gone doesn’t mean her prayers are gone, too. They are still here–the answers to those prayers living on in the lives of those she loved.
Yes. I want mom. Here on earth. In the flesh. Encouraging my writing. Listening to my songs. Bringing me soup when I am sick. Bringing me comfort in my hardest times.
But Mom’s journey is done. Her work is over. No more trials to walk through.
So truth be told?
I really don’t want mom. I don’t want her here. I don’t want her back.
I want her right where she is. Happier than she’s ever been. Seeing sights beyond imagination. Serenaded by angels. Loved beyond words.
I had Mom on earth. I will have her in eternity.
Forever and ever grateful.
Becky and Family,
I’m so sorry for the earthly loss of your Mom. But as you said, she is in Heaven now, pain free and reunited with other loved ones. This post is just one of the most beautiful and heartfelt you have written.
My sincerest thoughts to you and your family. I completely understand the “I Want Mom”. You will never get over that, but then will continue to rejoice that she is in Heaven and walking the streets of gold with her Lord, husband and other extended family members. Prayers! Wendy
Becky,
Sending my sincere sympathy to you and all of yours on the physical loss of your dear, sweet Joanne. What a wonderful, touching, loving tribute to your mom, she was as blessed to have such a loving family as you all were to have her.
With prayers and hugs,
Linda in Pittsburgh
I’m so sorry, Becky. What a wonderful woman she was, and what a legacy are her teaching of leading a faithful life.
Becky, I’ve followed you for so long. I feel like your family is somehow my family too. My heart is full reading this tribute to your beautiful Mommy. She was definitely loved and through your stories and posts I could always see how much she loved as well. God blessed you with a wonderful mother. Love, Lizz.
What a beautifully written tribute to your Mom. My heart both breaks and rejoices for and with you. “I want Mom!” … how well I know that want. Love you, Becky!
What a beautiful tribute to your amazing, wonderful, adored mother. Sending a hug from England xxxx
What a great tribute to your Mom. Prayers for you all as you navigate the next days, weeks and years…
What a tender and amazing tribute to our mom. I want her too! But knowing she is finally in heaven where she longed to be fills my heart with joy and chases away some of the grief.
Thank you for once again using your gift with words to bring solace and beauty. Mom taught you well. ❤️
Love, Deb
Deb,
It was an honor to care for her together with you and Ruth in her last hours. I’ll never forget that time we spent
What wonderful memories. You haven’t lost your mom because you know where she is – blessings to you and family. What a loss earthwise, but heaven’s gain.
Hugs to you Becky. How fortunate you are to have had such a loving, guiding force in your life.
So sorry for your loss, losing a mom is especially difficult.
I’m so very sorry for your loss, but happy for the celebration happening in heaven today! You wrote such a beautiful tribute to your mom. Praying for those she loved that are left behind for now.
Becky, I’m so glad that your mother’s suffering is over, and that she was surrounded by her family as her time came to an end. Wishing you peace, and quiet, and a continued appreciation for all of the gifts you got your mom.
Very sorry for your loss. Thoughts, prayers and hugs to you and your family. Ken and Ginny
Praying for you and your family! Remember it wouldn’t be so bad if it hadn’t been so good!!! What a sweet home going for her to have her family with her the past days to send her off to Glory!
I’m so very sorry, Becky. Continued prayers for you and all of your sweet mama’s family & friends.
So very sorry for your incredible loss! Your words are absolutely beautiful and visionary.
Much love and prayers to you and your family. 🙏
Liz,
Thank you for your encouragement about my writing; those words came straight from the heart!
Even though I am sitting here weeping, I guess we can thank your Mom for gifting you with the love of words and writing! Many of us have enjoyed the stories about your family over the past 20 years or more! And even though I have never met you in person, I feel like you are a part of my family. Prayers as you go thru this valley, crying “I want Mom”. And even though you are missing her here on earth, take joy in the fact she is running thru the fields in heaven, listening to the sweet song of the whippoorwills, without the need of a cane or wheelchair. Take peace in knowing she is having a great reunion with all of her loved ones who have gone on before her. I am glad you were able to visit her the past week and be there to put socks on HER feet!!
Donna,
Whippoorwills and socks and tears and joy. What a summary of those lost hours of life. And yes, ALL of my readers have mom to thank for the blog posts!
Tears.
This is such a beautiful tribute to your mother. How blessed you were to have her and how blessed she was to have you! She has run the race SOOOO well and I know God met her with open arms. She’ll be there waiting for you when you get there…are you hungry?
Sending you love and hugs!
Such beautiful words!! Prayers for your entire family!!
What a lovely tribute to your mom! My prayers are with you and your family as you go forward without her.
What a beautiful tribute to your mom, Becky. Much love to you and your family as you adjust to your mom’s new residence. While you will feel full of the love your mom gave you on earth, my heart is with you all as you adjust to the void of her physical presence.
Some of my favorite posts you’ve written involve you with your parents, and navigating their aging years and passings. Between your mom and Vernie, we’ve witnessed the strength of women to carry on following the passing of their mates. Your mamas especially, and your family, have shown us the rewards of building a strong family with faith. While you sat by these ladies’ sides physically, many of us have been by your side virtually, as Vernie, and now your mom have moved to their heavenly homes. Thank you for sharing the beauty of the transition.
Ann,
I’m so glad my writing has been helpful to you in some way.
None of us know what to do when our parents pass because it’s an entirely new experience. Because of that, it is so good to hear each others’ stories and learn from those who have walked the road before us. Even though each person’s path is different, the emotional journey is so similar. Loss, grief, tears, and eventually, adjustment and joy–they all come in due time.
So very sorry for your loss Becky. May you find comfort in knowing you will she her again and that she is no longer suffering. Prayers continue.
I don’t know how many times I have said or thought, “I want Mom.” Prayer will continue for you and your family as you learn a new path, yet again…. without Mom… It is a heartbreaking and heartmending time… Know that we are all walking beside you as you, Steve and the whole family adjust and navigate this path… Sending much love, many hugs – but most of all prayers.
Beautifully written. Prayers as you navigate the next days, weeks, months and years. When we know our mom’s are in glory it is wonderful, but prayers for those moment to come when you still want mom.
Prayers continue as you walk out these days and weeks. Praying as you go through a years firsts without. Losing your mom is never easy.
Becky, As I lay away awake last night with thunder and lightning booming and light shining through my closed drapes I was thinking of you and all who cherished your Mom. While I am so sorry for your loss I am relieved your Mom’s suffering is over and she is in the most wonderful place. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.
“Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints.” Psalm 116:5
I’m so sorry for your loss and yet happy at the same time.
Becky, I am so sorry for you and your loved ones loss. What a wonderful tribute! Memories will bring each of you much comfort during the days ahead. Many are praying for you and your family.
Such a beautifully written tribute to your sweet momma. I am so very sorry for your loss. Prayers for peace, comfort and strength in the difficult days ahead. Hugs.
A beautiful tribute to your mom and we expected nothing less. Hugs and prayers as you grieve her loss and attend to final preparations.
God bless you and your family.
Buff
May her memory be only for a blessing.
Prayers for peace for all of you!❤️🙏
The tide comes and the tide goes… such is life. Such is death. Many prayers for you and your precious family in the months to come. Praying for peace and comfort that only our Heavenly Father can give.
It’s heart warming to see the love shared by your family for Joanne. How precious that she asked you, “are you hungry?” when you walked in the house early Tuesday morning. Words from a dear Mom very happy to see her sweet daughter.
I’m so glad that you decided to take that flight to be with your family. Once again it shows me that God is always walking ahead, guiding us down the path. You were there for Joanne and you family, every step of the way.
2 Corinthians 5:8
King James Version
8 We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord.
I love you, sweet Becky, and I know that your mother’s memory truly will be a blessing until the day that you join her in paradise. How wonderful it is to know where she is; the greatest joy of Christ is possessing the hope of Heaven. Praying for you and all who loved your Mom as you grieve her loss.
My sincere condolences, Becky, and many prayers for you and for your family.
What a beautiful tribute to your Mom. I am so glad you had these last few days with her and your family. So sorry for you loss.
Becky, I’m so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my prayers. Please accept my condolences.
Thinking of you as you gather precious memories of your Mom for safe-keeping. May she rest in peace and rise in glory. Sending hugs to you and the whole family.
Ann,
I love those words, “Gather precious memories of your mom for safe-keeping.” Those memories will fill our tomorrows.
Condolences to you are your family Becky. I’m glad you could be there with her.
Oh Becky, my heart is breaking for you. Your family has had enough loss for this year. Yes we rejoice, as we know where they are, but not having your parents and in laws physically with us on earth is kind of a weird feeling. Please know I am praying for all of you as you navigate this new chapter in your lives. Hugs from Iowa!
prayers for you as you mourn your sweet mother!