Something occurred to me yesterday afternoon that unsettled and unnerved me.
I suddenly realized that since Sarah is now an adult, the doctor will be calling her with the biopsy results instead of Steve or me.
All those years ago when Sarah was in cancer treatment, Steve’s or my phone was always the one that rang with biopsy results, blood work news, surgery schedules, or breaking medical news of any kind. Then the two of us would discuss what we had learned and decide the best way to talk to Sarah and Nathan about it.
There was an unspoken feeling of comfort in that arrangement, knowing that we could temporarily dilute the message when needed, giving out the information in small bites if the big picture was too much for the moment.
And so when it hit me that Sarah could be in the middle of a college class when her doctor called, I freaked out just a little. She was supposed to leave the classroom, answer the phone, and hear potentially life-shaking news? Alone? Really?
I thought about the situation for a couple of hours, not sure if I should bring it up to Sarah, not sure how to bring it up to Sarah.
But when Sarah wandered into my room late yesterday afternoon for a hug and a hello, I took the plunge and said, “Sarah,honey, you do realize, don’t you, that the doctor is going to call you and not me with your results?”
She got suddenly still and said, “Yes, I’ve thought about that.”
I added, “Then you would be the one to tell the news to Dad and me, instead of the other way around.”
A few more moments of silence unspooled as we both pondered the enormous shift that that scenario would represent in our lives.
I finally said, “Are you okay with all that?”
She sighed for a long moment and then replied, “Well, when I first thought about it, I thought it was fine to get the call myself. I mean after all, I do need to start getting used to dealing with my own medical situations since I’ll probably be leaving home in the next year or two. But then I got to thinking that this was not a normal medical situation and one that I really don’t need to get used to because, hopefully, it won’t be happening again. And so I think maybe that I would prefer that you or Dad get the phone call and then tell me the results.”
In a deep down, mama-of-the-house sort of way, I was relieved. I was more than willing for her to handle it the way she was comfortable with, but my instinctive desire to protect my child, to give her the news distilled through my own voice and heart, was so very strong.
And so as soon the doctor’s office opened this morning, I called them. They said Sarah would just have to drop by and sign a release form and the call would come to me instead. And then when the phone call does come, Steve and I will revert back to what we learned to do in our earlier days. Depending on the news, we will hug, laugh and/or cry and then we will move immediately to the next step, “How should we tell Sarah?”
How many times over the years have he and I looked at each other and asked that question?
Last night, the three of us lay on our big bed for almost an hour with Summer tucked between us, happily submitting herself to whomever was doling out the current tummy rub.
We talked about school (both Sarah’s tutoring job at the High School and her college courses) and we told a few funny stories. And then it got quiet and Steve said, “Sarah, honey, are you thinking about the biopsy a lot?’
And she said, “Yes, quite a bit.”
That opened the door to more conversation, talking about what or might not happen, and even led to reminiscing about the day back when she was seven years old and we had to tell her she had relapsed. We talked about all the news we’ve shared with her and Nathan—the good and the bad–and I’ll have to admit, I got choked up a few times along the way.
But the important thing was that we were talking. Always talking. Never letting the thing get so big in our minds that we are unable to let it out, to share the load of worry, to support each other during the wait.
We ended with a brief prayer and then Sarah gave us our goodnight kisses and went up to bed—strong, confident, so very, very beautiful.
Sarah is on the cusp of the rest of her life. She is so excited about her new car, her driver’s license, her college classes, her jobs, her future. She is gently pulling away from the wings that we have protectively sheltered her with for nineteen years and she is joyfully finding her own flight path, her own highway through the stars.
And we couldn’t be more proud.
To look at her sweet, serene face, you’d never know she had a care in the world. To hear her giggling while playing with Summer, you’d never guess she’d even heard of something as awful as a biopsy. She is living large as she always has, even under the gaze of a shadow.
We have no idea what news will come when that cell phone rings. But this mama is glad that for the time being at least, I will still be able to gather the news into my own keeping first, knowing that Sarah will hear the words—whatever they are—filtered through the hearts of the two people who love her the most.
I must admit that while I’ve been keeping up with the latest, I have been unable to write. When it comes to your Sarah, even with the span of time for our Sarah, it is still raw at times. She and you have been in my every prayer. It seems unfair to beat the cancer that can’t be beaten and then have this looming over your heads. As always, you are handling it with the grace and transparency that ministers to all of us who read here. I know that whatever that call brings the Physician who healed her once can or has healed her again. I pray that whenever it comes that you will have the strength to answer, listen, process and proceed. As a mother who has been there for those calls, my heart with be knitted with yours in prayer.
Praying for Sarah and the Smith family. Long time reader(maybe 7 years now) but I have never commented. Thank you for sharing her with us.
Megan,
You probably won’t see this but I always try to respond to new commenters; sorry I missed this comment in all that was going on that time. New commenters make me happy! 🙂
Sarah just continues to amaze me and inspire me. It’s disheartening that she has to deal with so much at such a young age, but she handles it with so much bravery, confidence, faith and wisdom. You and Steve are amazing parents. Continued prayers for you all.
no words to say, but a heart full of love and eyes full of tears as I read this post. You and Steve are amazing parents to an amazing daughter. Three very blessed people. We are praying and thanking the Lord for the good news He will bring.
Totally devoid of any wisdom or profundities–just want to say we love you three Smiths and are proud of you. Your courage and faith, as always, are an inspiration (understatement).
Love, Deb, Randy and Caleb
Deb,
Since I feel devoid of any profundities much of the time, I understand! Thanks for your love and sweet encouragements.
It has always astonished me that non-parents seem to think that when children are grown, the difficulties of parenthood are over. I like to share Lucy’s grandmother’s observation with those folks – “When you children are little, they are knee-trouble. When they are grown, they are heart-trouble.” 🙂
Just a thought for your family to hold on to this week (and please forgive me, because this IS certainly “preaching to the choir”!) “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”
Finally, tonight when I thought of all the trials and tribulations that your family has seen throughout Sarah’s life, this verse came to mind… (because I know this is only one of many times you have awaited “that phone call.”)
“Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
‘Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.”
Fred “Non-Prom” 😉
Fred,
I had never really thought of that verse of Amazing Grace in light of what Sarah has been through but it does suit her situation so well, doesn’t it? Thanks for the reminder.
You are such such a wise family. You and Steve have the wisdom to know when to let their baby bird spread those wings and fly on her own and when that baby bird needs a little support and wind beneath those wings to help her soar. And that baby bird has the wisdom to know when she can fly on her own and when she needs that extra support. Still praying that the results will bring good news that will send you all soaring higher than before.
Linda in Pittsburgh
Linda,
It’s not always easy to figure out those bird decisions, is it? 🙂 Although we have walked this path before in earlier years, it’s a whole nother ballgame what the child is an adult. Thanks for your encouragement.
Praying for God’s peace for all three of you. May love encircle you. Also praying for good news.
Ann,
We are definitely feeling love-encircled!
What a great family you guys are… nothing better to help get through the hard times.
Kristina,
It DOES make the hard times a little more doable when doing them with the support of family—and also, the support of wonderful blog folks!
I know a 19 year old is technically an adult but in this case, so glad that Sarah made the decision that she did. There are just some things that a mama needs to hear first. There will be time for her to handle these medical issues herself when she’s older. Continuing to pray that what you hear will be great news.
Phyllis,
Yes, it seems that we’re finding out that is 19 is sort of a borderline age in life–legally an adult but still not very far down that adult road. As you said, there will be plenty of time for her to handle her own medical issues when she’s older.
Think I’ve said before, my nephew is also 19 and while the issues they deal with on him aren’t as serious as Sarah’s, they’ve encountered some of the same problems.
Thankful she has parents like you that are there for her through all of this. Praying.
Nicole,
We wouldn’t want to be any other place than right by her side through all of this. Thanks so much for the prayers.
glad the phone call burden has been taken from Sarah… praying for the news to be positive.
Mrs. Pam,
The Phone Call Burden. That’s a good way to put it.
Such a beautiful family. Praying for Sarah and you all; praying for God’s protection over your lives. Thank you so much for sharing with us. Big hugs and lots of love xx
Mary,
You thanked me for sharing but I am thankful for YOU all, for taking the time to be shared with and to care so much. Always amazing to me . . .
Praying for you all.
Thank you, Christine!
When you go thro the waters, I’ll be with you.
I love that verse, Sharyn.
We’ll said! Praying for good results…
Catherine,
Well, if it was well said, it was only because it came straight from the heart!
So beautifully written Becky. I just love your family. 🙂 Hugs to all and continued prayers for your entire family.
Mnadeau,
Thank you. I am blessed to get to write about such lovely people–to be read by lovely people!
Such a beautiful family! I’ve thought many times if I am ever faced with something bad, I hope that I will remember your family’s example. Thank you for continuing to share your journey. Continuing to pray for all of you, but especially Sarah! Hoping and praying for the best news possible!
Bridgette,
We are so honored to share the journey and so honored to have people who truly care. We are blessed!
Lump in throat & tears in eyes…a child growing into an adult is both glorious and painful! Your family communication is an example to follow!
Guerrina,
Glorious and painful are two excellent words to use for child rearing. But worth every step of the sometimes challenging journey.
I’m imagining your sweet, loving little family….surrounded by all your friends and family..and then the people in the computer world who feel like we know you…..because you have let us into your lives….all of these people praying and waiting with you. And I feel another presence of angels gathered around too. God is with Sarah. I continue to wait and pray with you.
With much love ..
Kim in TN
Kim,
Such a beautiful way to say how we feel. Surrounded. . . .in the best way possible.
Brings tears to my eyes & a lump in my throat. But so thankful for the maturity & openness that all of you share as a family. Trusting in God’s blanket of peace & presence to surround & settle all of you
Anonymous,
Definitely feeling that blanket of peace!
Praying for the news to be glorious! Thankful that your family is so incredible and wishing all families had the communication skills that y’all do.
Suzanne,
Well, we still have a lot of things we’re working on but I’m thankful that we communicate fairly well. It really does make a difference–especially at times like this.
I’m so glad you will hear the news first…such a blessing that it worked out that way. I will be praying.
Jessica,
Yes, I’m glad it’s working out that way, too!
Only a Mother knows how to protect their babies. So glad that you were aware of “what if” and gave her protection from something that she may need her Mom for. Yes your family has a wonderful communication and are open with your feelings. I admire your family for that. Sarah is so pretty and has a very kind and gentle spirit. I continue to pray for this young life that there is nothing that can keep her down. Praying for God’s protection over her life. God’s peace be with all of you…,…
Judy,
Thank you for the prayers for peace . . . much needed and much appreciated. And yes, I agree about Sarah being pretty and kind. She’s a keeper! 🙂
Perfect. We have the same conversations in our little family. Handling whatever life brings together is key because the most important thing is to not feel alone. I am so glad the phone call issue occurred to you before it happened. I remember a time way back when you posted about telling Sarah difficult news. She knew something was up when she saw the tissue box on the table and at the end of the post you showed all the used tissues on the table.
Praying that everything will be just fine and the tissue box will remain off the kitchen table!
Lesley,
That’s funny–I was just thinking of that Kleenex post a day or two ago. You have a good memory! And yes, our prayers are there will be no need for Kleenex.
I’,m glad you will be getting the news first too, even though she is 19 and very very mature for her age, sometimes you just need your Mama……my daughter is 26 and lives 1100 miles away from me and I am with her right now working through some things……I received some unsettling medical news via the telephone when I was thirty and it stunned me, luckily my husband was standing next to me and took over the call……I am on both my kids’ medical release forms and I am glad for that…..love and prayers to you guys…….I love the closeness of your family.
Dale,
So glad you can be with your daughter right now when she really needs you. What a precious privilege!
What a wonderful evening. As a mom I am thankful that you will be delivered the news good or bad, so that Sarah doesn’t have to hear it while at class or teaching. May you continue to feel the prayers from all over the world and the comfort from our Lord. Again this morning another rosary lifted up for Sarah and you and Steve.
Hugs from below zero Iowa,
Marjie
Marjie,
So glad I am not in below zero Iowa! It’s rainy here and in the 40’s and I feel like I’m freezing! 🙂
Wise words from a very loving Mama. So happy that Sarah has such wonderful support from the two of you. Praying for you to have joyous news to deliver and praying for you if you need to find words for more difficult news.
Elizabeth,
Joyous news or the right words–two very good prayers! Thank you.
I so hope and pray that the news will be good. Regardless of the outcome, I’m so relieved to hear that it will be coming through you and Steve and will be delivered in just the right way, no doubt. 🙂
LeeAnne,
I would sure be a lot happier if the news would hurry up and come–whatever it is! Patience . . .
Wise momma. Wise daughter. Even wiser Jesus. Praying.
Thank you for those sweet words, Angela!
I really love the closeness of your family. We have that with our three grown up children and wouldn’t have it any other way. Praying that all the news will be good and that you don’t have to wait the whole 2 weeks to get the results.
Shawn,
With three grown children, you’ve had a lot of experience navigating that transitiong into adulthood process!
I’m surprised that they had not had Sarah sign the HIPPA form so that all she had to do was call this am and tell them to call you instead of her. We are praying for excellent results for Sarah. So well put -“knowing that Sarah will hear the words—whatever they are—filtered through the hearts of the two people who love her the most.” Also, loved Sarah’s words that this is not a normal situation and one that she doesn’t need to get used to. When I think of Sarah – I always think of the phrase “well loved”
Becky
We have loved her to the best of our ability; not always perfectly by any means but we try to love her well. Thanks for encouragement!
Best way possible for Sarah to hear the results. I am confident it will be good news. If my confidence is misplaced, I am again confident it will be handled by prayer and Sarah’s loving God, to an end that will allow us all to see this wonderful future He has planned for stunning Sarah. Also, I cannot believe she was just 7 when she relapsed. I have been “following” you for much longer than I realized. It has been a blessing every day to do so and a friendship I cherish. Praying.
Mary,
I know, Sarah being 7 years ago was a lifetime ago. It truly amazes me that there are still people who are following our family’s story. I am honored and humbled and so glad to be part of this community.
Home run.
Steve,
Thanks for your always encouraging words!
I love the open communication in your family! You are all very special people and I am so glad to have found your story years ago. Your faith is very inspiring to me. <3 Praying for Sarah and the rest of the family that the news you are going to receive is the best possible!
Desera,
So sweet of you to stop by with an encouragement. Thank you for your words and your prayers.