I clearly remember the last Sunday I attended the church we’d been going to for a year here in Charlotte. Steve was up on the platform with the other musicians getting ready to play for the service so I was coming in to the sanctuary alone.
I sat down, set my purse to the side, and without warning, burst into tears. I was surrounded by people talking to one other, laughing, hugging, shaking hands. I was aware, as always, that none of that included me. And after a year of trying unsuccessfully to become a part of a church family, I’d had it.
It was lonely moving to an unfamiliar large city and I hoped that we would find a new church quickly because, in the process, we’d also find friends and community. That didn’t happen.
To that church’s credit, it had a lot of good things going for it; I especially appreciated the pastor’s and the associate pastor’s preaching. It was a growing, vibrant congregation but for some reason, that congregation never reached out to us. Steve, especially, made several attempts to reach out, to initiate get-togethers, but nothing ever came of it.
And on that Sunday, I was just done.
I sat in the chair and told myself I would never go back. And I haven’t.
Steve knew I had been struggling and when he saw my tears that day, he finished out the month with the band and then told them he was leaving.
Besides feeling like the church had never really accepted us, another thing I disliked about it was that it was 35 minutes away and we had to travel the same interstate I use every day to get to work. Let me tell you, after five days of fighting traffic on a freeway each week, the last thing I wanted on a Sunday morning was to get up and hit that same road. (Even though the traffic was lighter on Sunday, it was the principle of the thing.)
Also, when attending a church a distance from home, it’s harder to become involved in activities and small groups. So when looking for a new church, close proximity was a big deal to us.
We were church-less for a while, visiting a couple of places but not feeling a connection. I hadn’t realized before what an insecure feeling it is not to be a part of a church family; we’d never been in that situation before. What if one of us was diagnosed with a serious illness? What if we were facing a crisis of some sort? We would have no pastor, and no congregational family to turn to.
The search for a church was made more complicated because, after 42 years of marriage and ministry, Steve and I had come to an unexpected place of looking for different things in a worship service. We had both Googled churches within a 15-20 minute radius of our house and had even visited a couple but they weren’t what either of us was looking for at this stage of our lives.
And then one day, while praying for the hundredth time about the whole frustrating search I asked, “Is there a church we have overlooked? Please show us!”
A couple of days later I did another random Google search and a church popped up I had never noticed before. I pointed it out to Steve; he took a look at the website and was intrigued. And the good news? Our GPS said it was only eight minutes away. No freeways involved.
We visited for the first time about two months ago and have felt very welcome. We love the music and the pastor’s preaching. We especially loved that the church is a result of the merging of a white congregation and an African American congregation. (The Caucasian pastor and his wife have adopted two African American children in addition to four children of their own.) It is a beautiful thing to worship with a welcoming, diverse congregation.
I know I’ve talked about this situation in past posts, and just wanted to give you an update on it. We are thankful to have finally found a place that feels like it can be home.
Saturday night, we celebrated Madison’s 9th birthday and also celebrated Father’s Day for Steve and Nathan.
The birthday hat made an appearance.
Here’s the vivacious birthday girl . . .
and a photo of the birthday girl and her fab mom a few years ago. (Kids change so quickly!)
This picture doesn’t really have anything to do with today’s post but Meagan and I were just talking about the photo on Saturday and when I ran across it yesterday, I had to post it.
Try not to be jealous of the fashionistas!
Okay, back to Madi. She was welcomed into the world nine years ago by her big brother.
That photo reminded me of another brother and sister.
Those two grew up . . .
and then the day came when the little sister held her big brother’s baby.
I love watching these dear people in all the seasons of life. Sister/Aunt. Dad/Brother. Daughter/Niece.
It’s a joy to bear witness to the changing generations and the love that holds them together.
A growing family An old house. A new church. Bountiful blessings.
What about you?
If you’ve ever moved to a new city and are a church-goer, how long did it take you to find a new church ? Was it a difficult search?
If you are a part of a church, or a book club or any other gathering, what specific things do you do to make a newcomer feel welcome? Do you feel like your group as a whole is good at welcoming or not so good?
Did you get along with your siblings as kids? Do you get along better or worse as adults?
After reading this post and your frustration with your church, I accidentally dropped my phone and it opened to a former post from December 2002 when a church in Orlando gifted your family with a trip to Disney. Your family was facing a difficult situation and strangers were totally welcoming. Such different congregations.
Mary,
What a wonderful blessing it is when a church gets it right! That church in Orlando reached out in such an amazing way and we were so grateful for their kindness. Thank you for that reminder!
I was worried about you Becky- I came a couple of times over the weekend and your site was down. I worried something was wrong with you or it for the foreseeable future, and I’m so glad it’s not!
I’m so glad you’ve found a church! That is so important! As much as I love my current church, I don’t feel fully at home. As a single woman who has never been married nor had kids, I’ve discovered churches don’t really want me. Even churches with large singles populations- like mine. We are not a community featured on the website under “find community” without having to dig, we are a group that married pastors think they understand- when they don’t. Married people are generally only interested in couple friends. We are expected to understand the difficulties of coupledom and children, but there isn’t the expectation to understand the difficulties of my life. So, truthfully- I’m jealous- at least you have someone to walk in with most of the time, but not all of the time. I’m jealous you’ve had church families reach out and connect. I hope you continue to find peace at your church. And I’m so glad you are okay. Really.
Brooke,
Thanks for worrying! The site has been up and down for the past few days so I’m just going to wait till next Monday to do a regular post and hope that it’s up and running for good.
Sarah and I were actually just talking last night about the whole singles/married situation as it pertains to churches. We agreed that churches could do a much, much better job in that area. And yes, I’ve often thought about how much harder it would be to visit a new church alone. That takes twice as much courage as having someone to walk in with.
In an ideal world, church wouldn’t be fraught with these difficulties but, in the end, churches are made up of flawed, imperfect people so they don’t always get it right. But I’m thankful to live in a world where churches exist.
I’m sorry you’ve experienced a less-than-good experience. Peace to you.
Happy Birthday to Madi!
I am glad you may have found a church home. I have been in my church all my life. It is small and very welcoming. Sometimes I wonder if we scare people off because everyone gets excited over visitors. LOL!
I have 2 brothers. One is 2.5 years older and the other 18 months younger. We fought a lot growing up!!! as my Mom would say “like cats & dogs”. But we are close now. After we all moved out and years have gone by and we now have our own families we try to get together and we text/call almost every week. My brothers live beside of each other on our family farm. I am about 35 minutes away. My youngest brother and I go to our home church so we see each other more often. Our church is just minutes from where they both live. My Mom left us a note we found after she had passed. It said “always get along”. I think she had seen so many families fall apart after losing parents and she wanted us to stay strong together. We sill have differences and that’s ok because we try to live by what she wanted for us! We actually started a new family tradition last year. We all went to Top Sail, NC beach together the first week of June. Over 20 family members. Lots of Fun! So 2 trips in the book of memories! Hopefully, many more to come. 🙂
Eswim,
So glad to hear that your fighting like cats and dogs ran its course and now you and your brothers get along well.
You’re right about it being harder to keep families together once the grandparents pass; it takes extra effort to plan all those events and gatherings but it’s so worth it–just like with your new family tradition of going to Top Sail beach. Such a fun idea. So many wonderful memories to be made in the years to come.
I moved in 1998 to Louisville, 2001 to Tampa and 2014 to Overland Park, KS. Never really found a church in Louisville although I tried several churches in the area. I found one I liked in Tampa but stopped going when I had an uncomfortable situation with a man in my Sunday School class. When I move to Overland Park, I had a long-term friend that I stayed with for about 5 weeks until I could close on my house. She had a church she liked and I started going with her. Today was a 60+ luncheon and we decided we had probably known each other close to 40 years as I knew her before her youngest son got married and the end of this month will be their 38th wedding anniversary. Now that I am retired, I have taken on some new volunteer activities in the church – baby room once a month, teaching our ladies Sunday school class about once a month and being the lead counter four months out of the year.
I feel like our Sunday School class is pretty good about welcoming new women to the class. We just had a woman join two Sundays ago. Our lead teacher has them fill out a form with email address, etc. and we add them to the prayer request email that the teacher for that day sends out.
I have two brothers, one three years older and one eight years younger. My older brother and I were never really that close – he was the wild child while I was the studious one. Family has never been really important to him so we haven’t really gotten any closer as adults. With eight years difference in my younger brother and me, we weren’t that close until we got older. With both my parents’ deaths this year – my dad on February 18 and my mom on May 31, I’m not sure how our relationships might evolve.
Phyllis,
I think the word you ended with, “evolve” is a really good one to describe relationships between siblings in their adult years. Nothing ever stays the same and that definitely includes our relationship with our adult siblings. I’m glad you felt like you’ve gotten closer to your younger brother as you’ve gotten older; hopefully, that will happen with your older brother as the years continue to pass.
It helps to go to a new church with a friend so you don’t feel so all alone. I’m so glad it worked that way and you loved the church your friend took you to.
I’m so glad you found the church you have been looking for – and so close! Yay!
Karen,
Thanks so much for being happy for us; thanks for your concern and your good recommendations!
Your post made me realize again how important it is to welcome new people into a church. We are a relatively small congregation and when new people come, I’m not the best about going to them and welcoming them. I’m usually busy chatting with my friends and the people whom I’ve worshiped with my whole marriage. I need to do better about walking over and introducing myself, offering to sit with them or have them sit with me. I’m afraid we miss a lot in church when we depend on the pastor and his wife to do all the welcoming. Yours was an important reminder for me today, I am very happy that you have found a church. When we first moved to Texas, it took several churches before we found the right fit, and it wasn’t in the denomination where we had spent our marriage. We only stayed in Texas a few years and are now back in our original home. But those days without church family were challenging. I don’t understand how people navigate crisis without a church family.
It looks like Madi had a wonderful birthday! That birthday hat has sure stood the test of time.
Lisa,
Thank you so much for being WILLING to be reminded and being willing to put the “newcomer antennae: up. After a year of not being welcomed at our previous church, it would have meant the world to me if someone had come over and said hi or offered to have me sit with them. I don’t think the “oldsters” in the church are being intentionally rude or unfriendly; they honestly just don’t think about reaching outside of their comfort zone/friend group and there are a lot of lonely visitors as a result.
Glad you are able to be back in your home church.
When we moved to Texas I was invited to the local United Methodist church (I grew up Methodist) and enjoyed it, but it took a couple of different tries to find the right Sunday School class. But over the last few years, the church has undergone changes, both as a denomination and as a local campus, and it just doesn’t feel like “home”. I haven’t attended regularly in at least 5-6 years. In October when my Mother-in-Love was visiting we visited a small Baptist church and I enjoyed it, but it still didn’t quite feel like “home”. Your post has made me realize I need to be more intentional in my prayer for finding a home church and start attending regularly again. Thank you for this.
Sue Ellen,
I’m so glad the post was a gentle nudge for you to find a church home.
There is something about being a part of a faith community that is so wonderful and yes, I felt a little lost without it! Let me know when (not if) you find a good place to settle in.
PTL that you have found a church. Have mentioned before about visiting a church during vacation. Coming into the church the door was held open for us but not a word of hello or welcome. One dear elderly lady welcomed us. We have gone back since on our vacation but only because we enjoy the pastor and the music. The same dear lady continues to welcome us.
Madi you are sooo cute – and you wear that birthday hat so nicely. Love each of those pictures holding the babies. I had 3 sisters growing up and the eldest one and I didn’t get along (until after we became adults and had our own families – she passed away in 2022 – we finally all got together the year before our sister died). Also have 2 more sisters younger than I, the youngest one is 15 years younger than I so wasn’t around very often when she grew up. But all three of us live in different states and text each other quite often and love on each other.
Sharyn,
It amazes me that people visiting a church for the first time don’t get more of a welcome. I’m glad that dear elderly lady designated herself as a welcoming committee of one. Good for her!
So glad you were able to reconcile with your sister before she died; that is a huge blessing. And hooray for sisters, in general. They are great!
Becky, I have prayed about you and Steve finding a church. I am thrilled to read about how God answered your prayers! I agree that it is very unsettling to be without a church home. We moved 600 miles away from our families 26 years ago. I still remember what a relief it was to find a body we could belong to.
I think one of the distinctives of our church is its friendliness. One of my friends is a relatively new member. She is a widow and has an adult son who is on the spectrum (high functioning). She would prefer a church that was a little more reformed than ours is, but she says that no other church in their family’s life has ever reached out and included her son like our body. I love that.
DeLynn,
Thanks so much for praying for us; we are very grateful to have found a place.
I love that your church is known for its friendliness, especially to the widow with the son on the spectrum. It’s wonderful to hear a positive story about a church reaching out. Good job to all of you!
We are a Catholic family, many generations on my husband’s side, and with all of the moving we have done and all of our children, we made whatever church was our parish church work. Whether we liked it or not, whether we felt the congregation was welcoming or not, regardless of the shortcomings of the church, priest, parish, parishioners , we made it work. It’s the gospel, traditions, beliefs and history that made it work.
I’m in an area now where there are ever so many churches, but not Catholic competing for parishioners. When one’s faith allows so many options , it is a wonderful privilege. I hope you found your church home in this area. Are Nathan, Megan and family going to the same church as you and Steve?
Catherine,
Nathan and Meagan are attending a church closer to where they live that they really love.
There are so many great traditions of faith out there; I’m so glad that in all your moves, you found Catholic churches to be a part of. It’s so wonderful to be a part of a faith community.
I want you to know that I’m glad you found a comfortable church home. That you were such integral parts of your previous churches made it more difficult, imo. Any church who gets you and Steve as part of their family/community is very lucky and blessed.
Catherine,
You are so sweet to encourage us. It is definitely a challenge to go from being extremely involved to not being involved at all. Hopefully, we can start to volunteer at our new church soon and feel more like we’re fitting in.
I’m divorced and live in his hometown. The religious community(much like other others(who have returned to live here) are not so fabulous about letting outsiders in. Initially I was kinda part (when eeeeeeof a group of women who would go to dinner, the movies, coffee, etc. After my divorce my ex spread rumors about me and I’m left with no one. I would leave, but the place I want to move is where both my sister(difficult relationship) and my daughter (who told me to stay out of her life at age 12… Now 25) live there) and where I am now has excellent medical care for the things I battle 24-7 and I like my providers. Anyway. I have also become agorophobic… Wheeeeeeee who wants to switch lives with me😉..
Purple Sushi,
First of all, let me apologize on behalf of the religious community in your town who has not been intentional about inviting you in. If you lived in our town and came to our church, we would definitely sit with you in church and have you over for lunch afterward! 🙂
I’m sorry there have been so many complexities in your family relationships with your ex, your sister, and your daughter. When there is stress between you and people you’ve loved, that’s so very difficult. Family relationships can be complicated.
I’m glad you have found excellent medical care and that you like your providers. That’s huge when you’re dealing with a lot of health challenges.
Never forget how much God loves you and know that you have great value in His eyes. Feel free to reach out by email anytime.
I truly hope that you and Steve will love the new church and decide it is “home” to you both. We were going to a church that had about 30 people total in it. We found we were not being fed in that church after 3 years so we visited a church out the road about 5 minutes from us and we have been there 18 years!!! We were made so welcome the first time and now we both have so many friends and do things with our church family. There is around 400 on Sunday mornings there. Big difference in what we had before. We are totally satisfied and have a wonderful Pastor that preaches the KJV and lives what he preaches. Our church family is amazing and have been there for us thru all of our journeys in life… good and bad.
Kaye,
How wonderful you have found a church you love so much.
I’m sure after eighteen years of attending, you have gotten to know just about everyone and feel so at home among your church family. Such a blessing for you and your husband.
When we moved last August, we found a church right away. But I cried every time we would go. I just couldn’t get through the service without tears. I was missing our old church. I was grieving. Big time. But our new church has really made us feel so welcome and it has really been an easy transition in that regard. I don’t cry anymore. Yay! The church was going through a search for a new rector at the time too so we got in at a good time. Everyone wears name tags so that helps a lot. I don’t meet new people easily so that part is a slow go for me. My sister and brother-in-law also joined the church with us which has made it so fun too.
My brother and I always got along well. He was always my protector and looked after me. Now we’re 500 hundred miles apart so we don’t see each other often. But when we do, the big brother in him kicks right in as soon as we’re back together!
Happy 9th birthday to miss Madi! She is just so sweet and getting so grown up! And it seems to all happen in the blink of an eye.
LeeAnne,
I think there are a lot more people than anyone could guess shed tears during church services–for all sorts of reasons. It’s hard to leave an old church and yes, it definitely brings on a process of grieving. So glad to read your line “I don’t cry anymore.” That’s wonderful that you’ve settled in so well.
I love reading that the “big brother in him” kicks in whenever you see him. Even though we’re all adults, it’s amazing how quickly we can revert back to childhood patterns when we see our grown up siblings. Sounds like he is quite a treasure.
We’ve moved several times and finding a church home is always a difficult priority. We, too, we’re looking for something different this last relocation to Hickory, and God led us to it on our first try. We wanted to be a part of a vibrant, growing place where many hands make light work. In our previous two spots, we were part of aging, dwindling congregations and we each wore so many volunteer hats that going to church felt like going to work. I’m glad you have found what may be the one. I work very part time at our church on new member follow up and engagement.
I want to share with you, too, that St.Therese Catholic in Mooresville offers a non-denominational group called “After the Boxes Are Unpacked.” It’s a 10 week newcomer program. I met with them last week as we are planning to offer it here in Hickory this fall at St. Stephens Lutheran, Missouri Synod. The ministry is part of Focus on the Family. If the timing isn’t right or you are not quite a joiner, you can order the book online. Perhaps you and Sarah and Meghan could do it concurrently.
Kristy,
I know what you mean about getting a little weary when going to church feels like work. Of course, it felt that way to me since I was the pastor’s wife, but when a parishioner always feels like that, that’s not the most healthy thing. So glad you have found a place in Hickory that suits you well and that you get to work alongside other volunteers.
What a great idea to have a group called “After the Boxes are Unpacked!” I love the whole idea of that, reaching out to newcomers in the community. Will have to look up that book.