A couple of months ago, we got a letter from Vernie’s hospice team sharing guidance for her survivors.
One part of the letter said that after a loved one passes, it is best to not do any of the following things for at least a year:
I chuckled as I checked off each of the things Steve and I were doing that the letter said not to do. And that wasn’t after just losing one loved one; it was after losing both mothers in the space of ten weeks.
There have been so many emotions to sort through as we’ve retired from the church and moved into Ken and Vernie’s house. (In direct disobedience to The List.)
As an example: when we arrived here two weeks ago, I looked behind the door in the hall bathroom and saw Vernie’s robe was still on the hook. I have seen her wear that robe so many times at breakfast and seeing it unexpectedly brought back all the feelings.
Even though I had taken the rest of her clothes to Goodwill, I was hesitant to remove this last reminder of her. I just hung my robe on the hook beside hers for the time being–the robe of the Queen Grandma next to the robe of the Queen Grandma-in-Training, hanging out side by side. I’ll move it soon but it has comforted me to see it.
And then there was the whole experience of moving my clothes into her closet. I remember her SAS shoes all lined up, along with her collection of lovely thrift store clothing. Now her things are gone and mine are there and it is strange beyond words. There is a mirror inside her closet door that I look in and imagine I see her merry eyes looking back at me.
In the kitchen, I’ve put my things away, remembering all the while where she put her mixing bowls, her coffee mugs, and her serving spoons and feeling just vaguely guilty when I put some of my items in different places.
There are hints of Vernie everywhere. And for Steve (in the garage and work bench area), there are echoes of Ken. Now that they are both gone, Steve and I are the next generation to go, we are the “tallest trees in the forest.”
And I can’t help but think of our four kids cleaning out this house after we are gone and asking, “Now why in the world do you suppose Mom kept this box of papers?”
And on a more somber note, thinking of Sarah and Meagan picking out funeral clothes the way we did for Vernie.
It’s a lot to process–the past, the present, and the future all colliding in the middle of one move.
And in addition to all those things–the memories, the boxes, the chaotic living circumstances–is the sudden separation from our family and church. One week we were an integral part of many peoples’ lives and the next week, it all shifted. They are turning their hearts toward the new pastor (as they should be) and we are in a city, hours away, starting from scratch. We are not sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves; this was our choice to retire and it was definitely the right one. But it’s an adjustment, nonetheless.
One thing I am grateful for is that we have great neighbors, most of who knew Ken and Vernie back in the day. We heard from the man who mowed Vernie’s lawn who said that after Ken died, he checked on her each time he mowed. The mail carrier brought Vernie’s mail to the door after her surgery and the neighbor across the street picked up Vernie’s car to take it to the garage for work. Another neighbor checked on her often. The kindness even extends to us as a friend of Vernie’s brought us a meal shortly after we moved in.
Ken and Vernie were loved by so many people; it’s a great feeling to be surrounded by all the neighbors who took such good care of them.
for our final load of belongings last week.
While Steve was loading the trailer, I peeked through the window into the kitchen and beyond into the dining room. (I couldn’t go in because the wood floors had been just been polished.) I stood there for at least five minutes, my eyes taking in every single thing while the memories flooded back.
I remembered birthday parties with the guest of honor wearing the birthday hat.
I remembered getting the call that I had breast cancer. I remembered Mom and Debbie flying in from Wisconsin for a week to help me after my mastectomy.
I remembered hosting Dare Challenge for Thanksgiving for eight years and seeing all those men who were making new starts gather in our home to feast, and talk, and laugh.
I remembered Sarah and Gage walking into the living room with the doctor’s report saying there was a strong possibility that her cancer was back and it had metastasized.
I remembered in the weeks following the scan and the weeks before her wedding. Sarah would sit at the table and cry because she was so hungry but couldn’t eat due to the discomfort from the tumor.
I remembered two sweet white doggies trolling the floor looking for treats. I remembered sitting on the porch swing with each of those dogs in my arms on the days they died–saying goodbye.
I remembered all the church parties and dinners with the rooms full of laughing, dear people.
I remembered my chair breaking at the kitchen table and the hilarious chaos that ensued.
With the house all gussied up for its next owner, part of me wished we were moving into a place where everything was completely beautiful and ready to go. But I felt like I could almost hear the house in Charlotte saying, “I can be lovely, too!”
Almost like Cinderella. Beauty yet unfound and unformed. But so much potential.
After we loaded up and were driving back to Charlotte I started thinking about all the family milestones that happened there and how we were coming full circle in so many ways.
This is a wonderful and logical place to retire to–there are so many roads from the past four decades that have led us right back to this place.
In addition to the things mentioned above, we’ve still got several months of upheaval ahead with renovations and the inability to fully unpack because of the renovations. We’ve still got a church to find, part-time jobs to locate, and a community to build. Doing all that in our 60s is a bit of a challenge and it’s easy to feel displaced, like people without a country.
All those thoughts and emotions were running through my head last Friday night as the remnants of Ian came through, bringing with it a chilly wind and a hard rain. It had been a difficult day and the weather reflected my mood.
But as I puttered around in the warmth of the kitchen making a pot of gnocchi chicken spinach soup, the feelings of stress, loneliness, and displacement began to transform themselves into contentment–a sense of being at home in a cozy, warm dwelling, new for us but already filled with four decades of memories.
Life is about seasons and change.
This season, this year has brought us more change, and more loss than we’ve ever experienced at one time.
But I’ll keep living it out, writing it out, and looking forward to what this new house and this new season will bring.
What about you?
Have you ever had a season of immense change in your life?
Also, what is your favorite kind of soup for a rainy day?
You did a masterful job of summarizing your life before Charlotte! Beautifully written.
Fred and Lucy,
Thank you for that affirmation. I appreciate you!
Very nice musings bec…
so good for any of us to consider these times in life that come along, whether we are ready or not!
You have a good positive attitude on it all, like mom would. Good job!
Ruth
Ruth,
I always love to be compared to Mom.
Hope you are feeling stronger today; glad Arn is taking such good care of you.
How sweet finding Vernie’s robe still on the bathroom, like she was welcoming you to your new home. The pink tile on half the wall reminds me of the bathroom in the house I grew up in. Prayers for you and Steve as you begin your new retired life in your new/old home.
Sue Ellen,
Yes, that pink tile has been there for a very long time! We’re trying to find ways to cover it or paint over it. 🙂
New/old home is a good way to describe it!
Such wonderful memories you have given to us that you, Steve and the kids have gone through. Some I am sure you wish you could not have gone through, but the Lord has been with you through each one. Now you are on a new adventure – not a new house, but one you will transform into Your home. Had to chuckle when you mentioned Vernie’s thrift store clothing. Ah, tradition marches on!!! Continue to rest up and relax when you can. Know the Lord will bring you to a church where you will continue to be fed and probably be used in many ways. The Lord will open up a door or doors for those jobs (and maybe a new puppy?). Your new neighbors sound like ours – ones you can count on for friendship and maybe taking in the mail when you go on vacation. God Bless!!!!
Sharyn,
Yes, I am so grateful to have a mom-in-law and a mom who loved thrift stores. And my sisters and my daughters do too, so I am happily surrounded by thrifters!
As for resting when I can, I worked all morning and just decided to pull up a chair for 15 minutes and take a breath. You can only work so much!
Thinking of you as you create wonderful new memories, an admirable thing to do with so much change at once—at any point in life! I’m looking forward to seeing it unfold and wish the best for you and your family (and that the “messiness” of a big move goes as quickly as it can!)
I commented here just one other time about 2 years ago, when my little family was going through a huge, challenging change. You wrote back with one of the kindest replies that still resonates with me a few years later, and has truly come to mind occasionally at really difficult moments. When I wrote, my husband had recently gotten an extremely rare disease, a form of Guillain Barre called CIDP, a few months before we had our first child, and it had left him in an electric wheelchair and needing help doing nearly everything when our daughter was born and for many months after. In the last 2 years, he very slowly regained strength, a huge lesson in patience for both of us. We are at the point where he does not use the wheelchair anymore, and though we wish he could do so much more and our lives would feel closer to “normal,” we are so happy he can play more with our 2 year old and help around the house a bit more. And our big change now is that we are a few weeks away from welcoming our second child. It’s hard still to not worry about the future, but I’ve been so much more aware of other people’s experiences and the fact that everyone has something they are dealing with and you never know what life will bring. I am absolutely both a bit nervous and excited about the big change in our family dynamics with a new baby while we still wait and hope for more recovering for my husband, but optimistic that things will work out as we adjust to the change.
Stacy,
How wonderful to hear from you again; thanks so much for the update. And what joyful news that you’re expecting your second child soon. Newborns are so delicate, so fresh-from-God, so awe-inspiring. I know you can’t wait to see your daughter be a big sister. 🙂
So glad to hear that your husband has made some progress and regained some strength over the past two years. I know that took an enormous amount of work and, yes, plenty of patience for both of you.
There is a book called “God on Mute” about a young father dealing with his wife’s serious and chronic disease. Don’t know if you like to read but it is one of my all-time favorite books. (And it even manages to be funny in the middle of being serious and helpful.)
Your words about my reply to your comment two years ago meant so much; I’m always so grateful when what I write can make a difference for someone.
Hugs, prayers, and squishy kisses for that new baby!
I think my biggest season of change was about this time last year. In early September, my parents went into the nursing home, then they both got COVID the 27th of September and 1st of October. I started cleaning out their house the end of September, there was an estate sale the first of November. House went on the market mid-November, had a contract by the first Friday in December and closed the first Friday in January.
I don’t make a lot of soup really since it’s just me but I do like to make a pot of chili when it cools off more. Last night I made tacos and two of my church friends came over for dinner and to watch the Chiefs game.
I found some pretty entertaining things at my parents’ house – a letter from my dad’s teacher that was probably 80-85 years old at least, one of his grade school grade cards, letters he wrote my mom when he spent a summer in Nebraska to name a few.
Phyllis,
Isn’t it so fun to find unexpected, old things? An 85-year old letter would be so cool! And to find letters he wrote your mom would you give you a whole new glimpse into who he was back then.
Chili is delicious plus it freezes well so a win-win if you live alone! Glad you got to share it with some friends, this time.
Change is hard, even good change. Even mixed feelings about the change. They will sort themselves out over time. Be kind to yourselves, it will take a couple of years for this to feel like home. It will feel like Vernie’s for some time, totally normal. Once your stamp is on every nook and cranny you’ll feel better. I totally get the feeling of being the tallest trees in the forest. I am shortly going to be that as I am the oldest of my siblings and our dad is not doing well. I think about it. I’m next. And then my kids will be going through my stuff.
Seven years ago I moved from Mass to Maryland. Huge changes. Even though my kids were in the area, it was a LOT. I still second guess my decision at times, but know it was for the best. I learned that no decision is perfect but that in the end it always works out for the best. Even if one of those kids decided to move to Florida-uggh.
Well the New England go-to for ‘soup’ on a cold, damp day is clam chowder. Nothing better! I like it thick, some prefer thin. Oyster crackers are also a must in the little clear cellophane baggies. It’s really hard to fine here in Maryland. Second choice is tomato soup and grilled cheese. Yum!
It seems like in that last picture of you in the chair, you need a little doggie next to you. Maybe when the dust settles.
Lesley,
Yes, a little doggy would have fit just right, wouldn’t it? 🙂 Steve and I talked about it again briefly yesterday but we need to wait for some chaos to dissipate.
I’m so sorry your dad isn’t well. If I recall, he’s in his mid- to late-nineties? It’s such a sobering thing when the last parent dies. And the whole thought of kids going through our stuff makes me more and more determined to not have too much of it!
It’s true. You can’t beat clam chowder for cold, damp days. Makes you wish for a damp day just for an excuse to have the soup! Steve’s favorite combo is tomato soup with a grilled cheese. He says it takes like childhood. 🙂
Hugs to you and Sarah today.
Oh renovations……my whole married life in our current home has been a renovation. When we purchased it in 1982, it was a 1-bedroom/1 bathroom (824 sq.ft. main floor) with a basement that had a creepy bathroom and ‘unconventional’ bedroom. We have since added two more bedrooms on the main floor, converted the attached two car garage into a family room and added an oversized two car garage. (Now at almost 1900 sq. ft. on the main floor.) Every room in the house has been remodeled and it is time to re-do the basement bathroom. Oh my. I soooooo feel your renovation pain. Hopefully, they go quickly and smoothly and you can get unpacked and fully settled.
I recently retired (March 1) so have been busy trying to adjust to a new pace and lifestyle. I LOVE it but those first couple of months were so unsettling. I am happy to report that I HAVE adjusted. 🙂
I have so many soups that I like but my favorite is probably broccoli and cheese. Loaded with lots of freshly shredded sharp cheddar cheese and broccoli. YUM!! This one is actually on my menu this week as the weather is supposed to cool off by Thursday. Down to 35 overnight. It is definitely fall!!
LeeAnne,
That was a big remodel adding so much space to the main floor. I hope the bathroom was upgraded from “creepy” a long time ago and this is just the upgrade on the upgrade. 🙂
Sounds like you a professional at living through renovations! I know it’s worth it in the long run but that short run can be a hassle.
When my Mom died I was 22 and I kind of had to take over “house stuff”. It took me a long time to change the cupboards to what worked for me and, yes, I felt the guilt! When my son and I moved into our brand new home (Habitat for Humanity), it took me ages to realize it was okay to do things my way! I was agonizing where to plant a shrub. My then 16 year old son finally said, “Mom, you DO know this is our house and we can plant it anywhere we want, right?” Oh, out of the mouth and the mentality of a renter was broken!
The hardest transition for me was one day being a married Mom of a 3 month old in what I thought was a stable marriage and literally the next day being a single Mom of same 3 month old. Rocked my world on so many levels, not the least of which was this was the man who prayed for me for 2 years to come to the Lord and was the one to pray with me to receive Jesus as Saviour. It’s taken years of allowing God in to bring noticeable healing, especially in the area of trust in people and though I’ve come a long way, I do not trust easily.
Soup? My homemade Beef Barley!
Guerrina,
I love that your astute son’s question broke you out of your mentality and you just went ahead and did your thing!
“I do not trust easily.” I think that is a sentiment that rings true with a lot of people.
I can’t imagine the emotions you dealt with when the man you loved walked away–wanting to fall apart while trying to be strong for your sweet son. That’s the kind of hurt that stays with you for a long time. Thank you for telling your story and for living out the miracle of healing for those hurts day by day by day.
The biggest, scariest time for our family is when we had moved to Missouri in 2003 and after 1 1/2 years there, we knew it was not for us. So in 2005, along with our 2 daughters who were still living with us, we packed up everything we owned and moved to eastern WI in 3 different vehicles. No place to live. No jobs waiting. We took a leap of faith and landed on all 8 feet, 12 counting our dog Shilo. God had us every step of the way. I can’t thank Him enough for the guidance that has gotten us to where we are today.
Prayers for you to feel at home fast. Especially for a loving church to welcome you and make you feel at home.
Oh, my favorite soup is Zuppa Toscana from olive garden. Just as good when you make the copycat recipe. Yum!!!
Carol,
I’ve heard of that soup but don’t think I’ve tried it. Will have to put that on my Food List!
Carol,
I had forgotten you guys lived in Missouri. What an adventure in faith to pack it all up and go to a location where you had nothing waiting for you. You guys are brave!!
So proud of you and Phil and the lives you have built; it was so good to see you and the whole family this summer. Hugs.
You should have something made from V’s robe to keep. I had teddy bears made for my girls from my mom’s favorite PJs and throw pillows for my nephews from her favorite blanket.
Lots of memories to cherish, lots of memories to be made!
Veggie/Beef or homemade chicken noodle are my favorite soups.
Prayers for good health and good times in the “new” Smith abode!
Eswim29,
That’s a great idea to make something from a special garment. I know your girls and your nephews treasure the bears and the pillows you had made. It’s amazing the memories that a piece of fabric can hold.
I love your soup choices; homemade is the best!
Oh Becky, you have me in tears, AGAIN, I hope you are comforted by the fact that all of us here have those same wonderful memories that your family has, I related to each one as I thought back to your posts. You have been through SUCH a year, I remember when my dearest friend lost her husband at 38, her grief counselor also told her not to sell the house for a year and she was so torn, both her children had been born there, there were so many beautiful memories but she felt it was best to move on and bought a smaller house in the same town within 6 months and started years of memories there with her girls….I am not good with change, we are in the process of selling our house in NC and moving to either SC or FL. And we are in our 60’s too and the process just seems overwhelming some days….once you get all settled in, I know your life there will be just as memory filled as Manteo was, Gage and Sarah will join you, you are closer to the Florida Smiths, sounds like you have great neighbors. Hugs to all of you.
Dale,
Overwhelming is the perfect word. Somedays the process seems logical and doable and other days it feels massively undoable. We are proud of ourselves for having made it this far. And you will get there, too–step by step! Best of luck to you guys as you plan, and prepare and go!
I have lived in five different homes since I left the family home. The first place was a converted three car garage and had absolutely no charm, but I was just happy to be on my own. From there I moved to a two bedroom home with lots of charm and was there for over five years and really didn’t want to leave. My Mom wanted me to move so I would live closer to my job and I finally gave in. To be fair that three bedroom duplex was totally remodeled to my taste and it was an adventure living through the remodel. Once my cat escaped through a hole in the master bathroom once the bathtub was removed, it was an adventure catching her once she was outside. Then I moved to MN and lived with Bill until moving where I currently live now. Feel like I am where I want to live in a house built in the 40’s. I am very happy here.
Cindy,
Oooh, I love houses built decades ago. Character in every corner. So glad you feel like you have landed in a great place.
I bet your cat enjoyed giving you a run for your money; glad she was eventually captured. (Or shall we say, cat-tured?) 🙂
I have written before of my great 6 months of change so will just say I got thru it and now am settled in. Prayers that you will feel settled soon.
Your gnocchi soup sound great, like Olive Garden has. I like any soup on a cold day. I prefer chucky or thick soup while my husband prefers broth soups. Only broth soup I like is Hot and Sour soup with mushrooms and egg swirl.
Patti,
“I got through it.” Those are good words to read from someone who has been through a challenging time. Encouraging to all the rest of us still going through “it.”
You guys are just like Steve and me. I like chunky and thick and Steve likes broth. I make both kinds so we’re both happy!
We moved Abby in yesterday!! Not sure how close it is, but the church Abby attends in Charlotte is called plaza.Baptist… it is a plant from her church in Winston, called two cities…
Best of luck with the.renovations… it will be worth it in the end!! I will have to text you when I am coming to Charlotte one Saturday and we can meet for coffee!!
Tiffany,
What a big day getting Abby moved in. I imagine you’ve both gone through a box of Kleenex or two. So glad she has already found a church and that it was important to her to actually look for one. Good for her!
Yes, call me when you’re here and we’ll get together.
I felt every memory you wrote. But I felt the new memories coming up as you make them. It is going to be hard but exciting to start fresh. We were building a house after we had been married about six years and we lived in my husband’s deceased Grandparents old house while we were waiting for ours to be built. That old house didn’t have a bathroom, only one bedroom and an upstairs that creeped me out and we didn’t use it. When we moved into our newly built house it was like moving from a barn into a mansion!! We lived there 17 years and then after our only child got married and moved out we sold the house and bought a new doublewide mobile home and lived behind my now deceased father in law. We have been here for 25 years. My daughter and her hubby and my grandson live next door in my father in law’s old house which they are getting ready to remodel. Mt. Airy is a small town and we were born and raised here and I can’t imagine ever leaving.
I pray that in a year from now that you will be settled and have a lot of your home updates done and enjoying every minute of your new future. As long as God is right smack in the middle of things, you all will be ok. One day we will all move to our Heavenly home above with Him and that will be our last move forever. What a day that will be…
Kaye,
I’ll bet that time to build your new house seemed like it took forever, especially since the one you had to live in while waiting was inadequate. I can only imagine your excitement and joy moving into a fresh, beautiful new home. It’s always so fun to put things away and get organized when everything is new and fresh.
Glad you are able to live near family in a town you know and love. Blessings to you.