If you’ve been reading here for awhile, you probably know that Steve is on the board of Dare Challenge, a faith-based, drug/alcohol rehab center. He used to have substance abuse issues and as a result, he has a tender heart for people struggling in that area. He also teaches at Dare Challenge every Thursday morning and does one-on-one mentoring; in the process, he has become close to many of the men.
Back in the spring, a Dare Challenge graduate (and licensed electrician) named Brennan volunteered to help Steve wire in new stage lights for our Easter drama.They spent many hours working together on that project. Since Brennan also acted in the drama, it provided even more time for Steve to hang out with him.
Brennan working on the lights.
Brennan is the third soldier from the right.
After the drama was over, Brennan began attending our church and recently got involved on the media team; in fact; Sarah helped me train him right before she left for college.
Brennan was working a good job in construction, had a darling 3-year old daughter named Ella Grace, and had been drug-free for over a year.
And then Tuesday morning, he didn’t show up for work. His boss (a former addict himself who has a company that employs all former addicts) found Brennan dead of an accidental overdose. He was just twenty-nine years old. (I am sharing the cause of death only because the information has already been made public.)
Steve was utterly grief-stricken. After all the time he had spent mentoring Brennan, he had come to love him like a son. After shedding his own tears that Tuesday afternoon, Steve immediately headed to Dare Challenge to check on the current residents who had also just gotten the news. One of them knew Brennan better than the others and was taking it much harder; Steve spent the rest of the afternoon and evening with him, helping him process his grief.
In the meantime, he was fielding calls from various people connected with Brennan’s passing, including several calls from Brennan’s parents. (They lost another son just nine months ago in tragic circumstances.)
This is the part of pastoring that Steve hates.And loves.
He hates that people have to experience such incredible sorrow but he loves that he has the privilege of helping them navigate the nightmare, as he puts it. He truly has a pastor’s heart, a heart that the news of this week has broken.
Tomorrow, he and I will make a 5-hour drive to Winston-Salem, NC for Brennan’s funeral, where Steve will speak. Of course, he will preach in our own church Sunday morning and then on Monday night, our church will host a second funeral for Brennan so that his friends in this area can come together to remember him. Steve will also speak at that service and I will sing.
To add to the sorrow of our small community, our church will host another funeral tonight for a man named Scott who was on staff at Dare Challenge about five years ago; he just passed away from substance abuse related causes. Scott leaves behind his wife and many others who deeply loved him.
As you can imagine, this has been a difficult week at our house and in our community with more sorrowful days to come as we facilitate these three funerals and comfort those who have lost men they love to drugs they hate.
Dare Challenge has a high rate of cure (around 75%) but they do not shy away from the fact that some of their men do relapse; it just motivates them to fight all the harder for the ones currently in their care. It is also a lesson to the men currently undergoing treatment that they can’t fight their addictions alone. They need God’s help as well as mentors, pastors, family, and fellow recovering addicts to walk with them.
As I went into the Youth House a few minutes ago to turn on the air conditioners for the reception following tonight’s funeral, I noticed that chairs had been set up–not in straight rows and not in up and down lines.The chairs were set in circles.
Because when heartache strikes any of our communities, we instinctively form circles–circles that enable us to gather and grieve around the memory of those we have lost.
I’m thankful that in each circle of grief, there are also echoes of hope that for every person we lose to addiction, many others walk in freedom, In fact many former addicts will be sitting in these circles tonight, bringing their hard-won blend of understanding and compassion to the broken-hearted.
Circles of grief, hope, and healing. I’m so thankful to have a seat in the circle.
If you have a friend or a family member who is struggling with addiction, and if it would help you in any way to share a part of your story here, the Smithellaneous Circle would we honored to gather around you to listen.
Becky,
I am reading this 14 months, give or take, after the passing of Brennen and Scott. I will NEVER forget those services for several reasons. 1. The services were a stark reminder of the hidious disease of addiction and how the enemy of our souls wants to destroy us. 2. I was a student at Dare Challenge and sat… saddened and stunned, as I witnessed the carnage firsthand… on the front row. 3. I will NEVER forget Steve (whom I love dearly) going one-by-one to every student at Dare Challenge that night saying “DON’T LET ME SPEAK AT YOUR FUNERAL!!!!” Please tell Steve that his message that night did NOT fall on deaf ears. I am doing well, living in Raleigh NC, attending a wonderful part of the body of Christ called Journey Church and living a clean, sober, and wonderfully grateful life. Steve played a vital role in my sobriety through his friendship, messages, mentoring AND (even) his guitar playing on thursday mornings!!! (BTW, tell him i just purchased a Left-handed Martin guitar a few months back!) I lend a helping hand with a recovery based Tx center here in Raleigh called Healing Transitions. Our Church hosts about 70-110 men every sunday at 11:30 for feeding of both a good meal and more importantly, THE BREAD OF LIFE! I can still see those pictures of Brennen as a young boy… and his grieving family. Please give Steve my love, and thanks!!!
Raymond,
What a treat to see this comment and your name pop up here. I printed it off for Steve and he said it was definitely one he wanted to keep in his encouragement file. Thank you for taking the time to write; you express your heart well.
I remember those funerals too; such a sad chapter in our little town. But at the same time as we think about those tragedies, we also think about the success stories–people like you who are doing well and in turn, making a difference in the lives of others who need that extra hand.
Glad to hear you got a Martin. That’s a great guitar!
Blessings to you today and all your days. Steve says hello.
Thanks Becky. Here’s wishing you and yours a wonderful Thanksgiving!!
I had a housemate who lived here for five years. Before she moved in she told me she had a substance abuse issue with prescription drugs several years in the past. She had gotten treatment and made life changes to avoid triggers. She was an excellent housemate for a long time, then she developed a health issue for which she was given lots of narcotics. She got hooked on prescription pain meds, again and started stealing from my son and I. When she stole my son’s prescription medication, I had to have the police evict her. It’s been two years since then. I still wonder where she is and how she’s doing.
Another Anonymous,
You did the right thing in having your housemate evicted although I know it must have been a stressful, traumatic experience, especially since you got along so well. But stealing prescriptions from your son most definitely crossed the line of trust.
So many of the men in the Dare Challenge program here got started on their addictions through prescription medications and it just breaks my heart. Nobody sets out to be an addict but when a doctor hands you medicines, you take them without even a second thought . . . and then, all too often, the addiction beins to sink its claws in.
You seem to be a very tender-hearted person to still be wondering about your housemate two years later. May you always keep that compassionate, tender heart regardless of what life brings your way.
Thanks so much for taking the time to tell your story.
Posting this anonymously. My husband is addicted to an opiate. No one in my family has any idea. I think they’d be horrified if they knew he is an addict. Yet, he is a kind and good man. All of his attempts to get off have failed. It scares me. I have never done any drugs myself so I have no idea how to help. I’m afraid of the future.
Anonymous,
A hundred thank yous for being brave enough to post here. You are among friends–friends you have never even met, but friends who still “get” you because we have all faced private heartache of some sort and have felt like there is no hope, there is no getting better from our heartache.
Having a husband addicted to an opiate and being alone in that knowledge is one of the most difficult things I can imagine. It’s the aloneness that makes the burden unbearable and I hope that this small step you have taken in sharing it here will lighten just a small bit of the load.
I love hearing that your husband is a kind and good man. I love hearing that he has made efforts to conquer his addiction.
I am sad that you are afraid of the future and yet I can understand your feelings of hopelessness and uncertainty. How will all this end? must be the question that keeps you awake at night.
I would would so love it if you could find someone near you to tell your story to, to share your sorrow with. That is the first step–for YOU–to get healthy. You can’t change your husband but you can take care of yourself and not being all alone is the first, biggest step toward doing that.
If you would like to, keep me in touch with how things go. smithellaneous@yahoo.com
You’re not alone. You have a friend.
I am very sorry to hear of the loss of both of your friends.. Substance abuse so hard to recover from and so sad when people relapse. My ex sister in law battled mental illness and drug and alcohol abuse. She parsed away in May and left 3 daughters, 2 in their 20’s and a 17 year old. So sad
Michele,
I can’t imagine how the death of your ex sister-in-law affected her three daughters, all just on the cusp of the adult years of of their lives–just when they need a mom the most. My heart just breaks for them, especially as I try to picture Sarah in their shoes.
When substance abuse is mixed with mental illness, it is difficult beyond words. Thank you for taking the time to share your story with us.
So very sad. Families and friends of both are in my prayers. Also praying for you and Steve and your church family. May God give you both strength as you have the Monday night service and safe travels to and from Winston-Salem. Prayers for Sarah, too, as she worked with the young man in church activities and you had him in your home at times. So thankful for his profession of faith. ?
Ann,
Thanks for the prayers. We had a good trip to Winston Salem; a 14 hour day but every minute worth it to bring comfort to that family.
Blessings to you and Jim today–I hope you get his blood sugar situation figured out.
Oh Becky, I am so sorry for all of you, I too was enjoying reading your story of his turn around and then noticed you had switched to past tense…..my small area in NJ has lost so many young people to overdoses in the past year, people who were clean and sober and had gone through rehab or were waiting to get into rehab facilities struggling to stay sober until they got admitted…..many of their parents testified in Washington DC that we need better and quicker responses, more rehab centers……my heart breaks for all of them.
Dale,
That takes a lot of strength and courage for parents who have lost a child to get up and testify publicly, right in the middle of their grief.
My hat is off to those moms and dads who have determined that their child won’t die in vain; that their death can instead be used to create awareness and to save precious lives down the road.
How sad! I was expecting a ‘good story’ until you started writing in the past tense. I was going to share a story but i see someone is going to share the post on Facebook and I don’t know if the comment section shows up so I will refrain. My thoughts are with you as you both navigate the coming days. Hugs.
Lesley,
Yes, the past tense is not my favorite feature of English in a situation like this. How much I would have enjoyed writing Brennan’s life in the present tense. Thanks for your thoughts for us as we have his second funeral tomorrow.
Sending many hugs and wishes for safe travels. I don’t know what else to say but I was really sorry to hear about your loss.
And for addiction – I do have a story to share. No I have never done drugs but i do struggle with an addiction. That is self harm (cuttning). I have been struggeling with it since January 2015 and well I can am able to go like a month or so without. Still have to make it past a month. I am getting better at finding other things to help me cope – drawing/coloring or playing on my Nintendo. It is a damm addiction because you do get urges and crave for…. the high or the relief it gives. But I am doing better. Last year I would have periods where it would be the first thing I would think of – and it has also been months since I did it every day.
As with this addiction I do have scars on my body – but I do not feel ashamed . I still wear pretty dresses and I just see it as a part of my story.. My self harm did go that bad to also include overdoses but I was not in my right mind when doing it so – the last one was a wakeup call and I am 145 days clean from the last overdose. Never again I say.
Katrina
Katrina,
You are a brave young woman to write your story; I’m honored that you would share your struggles here with your Smithellaneous friends and me.
I loved what you said about not being ashamed of your scars but recognizing them as part of your story. We all have scars–some visible and some invisible but scars are a part of all our stories.
The thing I appreciate about scars is that they not only represent a place that was wounded, they also represent a place that was healed. And I believe that there is healing and wholeness for you, that you can come to the point where self harming (and you’re right, it IS an addiction) will no longer be a part of your life.
It could very well be that you need to spend time with a good counselor and get to the root of what causes you to cut. I would also love to encourage you to give God a chance. He loved you when you were conceived and He has never stopped loving you.
I’m thankful to hear it has been 145 days since your last overdose. You are valuable, precious and irreplaceable. Get the help you need; you are WORTH it!!
So tragic for his wife and young daughter. Growing up with my Dad being an alcoholic, all I ever saw was the pain and sorrow for the rest of the family. To me, it is selfishness on the part of the addict. They have no thought or care for anyone but their self. No thought how much suffering and misery they made for their family. A horrible way for young children to have to grow up, as I can personally attest to.
Kari,
Your story and the pain behind your words touched my heart.
I can’t even imagine what it must have been like to grow up with an alcoholic dad. We only get one childhood in life and to have yours ruined by substance abuse is one of the worst kinds of heartache. I’m so sorry for the pain you experienced.
So sorry to hear of these two deaths. I pray for all who are fighting addictions. It’s very heartbreaking for all involved. My brother has been fighting off and on all his adult life. I’m lucky to still have him at age 54. It’s wonderful the help that you and Steve give to these men. May Brennan and Scott Rest in peace.
Debbie,
Over three decades is a long time for your brother to battle his addictions–I am thankful right along with you that he is still alive after all this time.
Thank you for your compassionate words about Brennan and Scott. I know that you truly understand.
Becky, I found the information-memorial service @ 2. I’m not familiar with the church, but will find it!
Lib,
I emailed you.
Becky, I would like to come to the funeral if you will share the location with me.
So sad. I taught in a high school for kids who were identified as seriously emotionally handicapped, and easily 75% of them were heavily into drugs. I had to stop reading the online obituaries from “back home,” because there were too many familiar names. Their deaths were caused by overdoses or accidents which resulted from their reckless lifestyles.
These aren’t bad people; they’re good people who got caught up by drugs after making a few bad choices. Truly a matter of hating the sin but loving the sinner.
So glad folks have the Steves of this world to help them through these losses.
Jan,
I so appreciate you investing that period of your life into teaching kids who were emotionally handicapped. After giving so much of yourself to those students, I can only imagine how much it hurt to see their names in the obituaries.
The important thing is that you didn’t turn away from them, in the same way Steve is not turning away now.
Thank you for that.
So heartbreaking. My prayers and thoughts go out to you and Steve as you help those grieving (including yourselves) to heal and to find the strength to continue each day. Brennan knows all his answers now. His pain is gone. He has laid his struggle down. You never know what is hiding within someone. I firmly believe, his message and lesson will live on even louder and brighter than before. I am so very sorry.
Mary,
I love what you said about Brennan “laying his struggle down.” His dad said at his funeral, “For the first time in over 10 years, Brennan is not an addict.”
And I agree with you that his message will live on louder and brigher; we are already hearing stories of people being impacted and changed by Brennan’s life and death.
so sad… a true tragedy.
I imagine there are lots of unanswered questions.
Mrs Pam,
Yes, I’m afraid the questions remain long past Brennan’s death. So thankful that before he died though, he never had to question whether or not he was loved. He was. Deeply.
So very sorry to hear of Brennan’s passing. I will add his family to my prayers.
Our little community here in Locust Grove, Georgia has experienced a sad week as well. My oldest son and I just returned from the funeral of one of his classmates who died last weekend in a horrific car accident. She had just turned 18 the weekend before. There were 100’s at her visitation and even more at her funeral today – overflowing the church building, lobby and classrooms that were all setup with chairs and tv-screens of the service. During such a sad time however, it’s so uplifting to see our community reach their arms around this family that everyone loved so very much. We find peace in knowing that our Summer Lee is now in Heaven and we KNOW that we will see her again one day.
Heidi,
Summer Lee. What a beautiful name for someone so loved.
Bless you and your community for reaching out to her family and surrounding them during this time. I know her death especially impacted your son and his classmates. When you are young, you never expect to lose someone your same age; it is truly sobering.
Hugs to you and the community of Locust Grove.
Oh my. I was so *shocked* when I read that Brennan had died. I was so enjoying reading how he had turned his life around, and was expecting to read more good things, when I noticed you were writing in past-tense.
Sending grace and peace and love and light to all who loved Brennan and Scott, and to you, Becky, and Steve.
Stefanie,
Thank you for your words and your compassion.
I would must rather have written a shining story about Brennan; writing about a sad ending to the story of his life isn’t something that any of us anticipated.
There will be many tears at his service tomorrow.
My heart aches to read this story and especially for the pain, confusion and greif of Brennans little girl and parents and friends and you and Steve. My prayer is for peace in this trying horrible time.
My family lives with the consequences of addiction. My precious daughter and hopefully soon to be son were exposed in utero to drugs through their birth mother and now they live with life long cognitive and developmental disabilities, as well as the emotional and spiritual heart scars from living until ages 5 and 9 with the chaos of living with addicted parents and all the pain and chaos that comes with that. (And then having to spend several more years in erratic foster care because they couldn’t stay with those parents).
And yet there is GREAT hope. Both of these two precious kids are just so amazing and fantastic (at least as a biased mom I think they are lol!) It is truly amazing what the human spirit can overcome and that lives can be changed and lived well despite what one survives and endures. With God all things are possible. And children of addicted parents can grow up to be shining examples of this.
My prayer for little Ella Grace is that God’s grace will be with her all the days of her life and that despite this tragic loss she will grow up knowing God, loving and being deeply loved and with great peace in her heart and spirit.
Jenna,
What a joy to read your words and to hear the story of someone who is not just cursing the darkness but who is instead holding up a shining light to illuminate the path for those two precious young people in your care.
You and your husband are literally changing two lives–totally and completely. When I read your words, “And yet there is GREAT hope,” my weary heart smiled.
Thank you for sharing hope–with us, and with your son and daughter.
Thanks Becky,
Of anyone I know (and I feel like I know you despite never having met in person) you have such a deep gift of encouragement. Reading through all the encouraging replies you left to all the comments really touched me, especially that you wrote such encouragement to commenter after commenter during your own time of sadness.
Also. ….it’s official. We got approval Friday night and our new 20 year old son moves in Wednesday! (He spent the weekend with us too). God is good!! Thank you so much for all your prayers during this time for my family. ♡♡
Jenna,
Hooray for Wednesday! So excited for you guys as your family and your circle of love grows ever larger.
And thank you for your kind words about me being an enourager. That’s something I always admire about you
–no matter how bad you feel, you have a word of grace.
I am so sorry. I feel like I know your Dare family from reading your blogs over the years. My cousin lost her 24 yr old son in January due to a heroin overdose.
Margie,
Yes, if you read about our Thanksgiving last year, you would have seen a picture of Brennan at the table–in addition to all of the other Dare Challenge men who are still in the fight.
So sad to hear about your cousin’s son. Twenty-four is way, WAY too young to have a life cut short. There is so much potential that was lost at his death. I’m sorry.
Prayers for you, Steve, and the families of Brennan and Scott. What a heartbreaking loss Brennan’s precious little girl and his parents are going through. I’m glad you and Steve are there to help them “navigate the nightmare.”
Angela,
Thank you for the prayers. Brennan’s little girl is such a sweetheart; I am thankful she will have the love of her grandparents to surround her in the years to come.
There is a couple in my Sunday School class that do a lot of prison ministry. Last year sometime, they picked up an inmate who they had met through their son from a prison in Minnesota. They helped get him a job and were letting him live in the man’s mother’s house. She had recently passed away. It seemed like things were going well until this spring or early summer when they indicated that he was going back to his former ways, which we assumed were drug related. He has since lost his job and moved back to Minnesota where he is basically homeless. They had done so much to help him get re-established and were heart-broken.
So sorry for the loss of two men Steve has been involved with. Praying for those these two men left behind.
Phyllis,
Regardless of how that man’s story turns out, this couple did their very best for him, treating him with compassion and dignity and generosity. That kind of example truly inspires me.
Bless them for giving of themselves above and beyond what might have been “comfortable” for them and getting involved in a situation that could very well end up breaking their hearts. I am encouraged and challenged by their story.
My heart sank when I read Brennan died. I have a FB friend who had been sober for over 18 months but then went on a drinking binge and is supposedly in the hospital in liver failure (I say “supposedly” because I contacted some of her FB friends and that is what they were told). **God works in mysterious ways. As I was typing my comment, I got a FB message from this friend and she not only has liver failure but Hepatitis C and pancreatitis. Addiction is bad.
Marylea,
Addiction is bad.
It doesn’t get much more plain (or true) than those words.
Oh I am so very sorry to read of your heartbreaking loss. Prayers for strength, comfort and peace for all who knew and loved him.
LeeAnne,
Thank you so much for your compassion and your prayers.
Becky & Steve – I am so sorry for your loss as I know you are both grieving. So many obits today tell about addiction and I truly believe it is in hope that we can all understand it is a terrible thing and we are losing so many to it. Prayers for safe travel and thankful that because of the Grace of God Steve overcame and is using his experiences to help others which is exactly what God intended. I will be sharing this post on facebook
Becky,
Yes, I am truly thankful that substance abuse is no longer a part of Steve’s life and that he is using his experience to reach out to those who still struggle.