Letter to Dave

October 16, 2017

In December of 2002, about a month before Sarah’s bone marrow transplant, our family spent a week in Orlando, Florida.

Steve’s cousin, Betty Kay, and her husband, Bob, were in the choir at First Baptist Church in Orlando and had asked them to pray for Sarah during her treatment. The choir did pray and then they took it one more step. They provided us with a trip to Florida/Disney in the hopes that we could store up some lovely new memories to help us through the not-so-lovely memories we were about to encounter during transplant.

The choir did a Singing Christmas Tree every year and before one of the performances, our family was taken back to the choir room to say our thanks to those dear and generous people.

During the Sunday service, the pastor called Sarah up to the stage and led the congregation in prayer for her. 

One of the many things the choir provided was a lovely, 2-bedroom condo for us to stay in during our stay; this photo was taken in the living room.

The fellow in the back row on the right is David Weber, Steve’s first cousin. He and Kathy lived near Orlando and  drove over to hang out a while. The two people seated in the middle front are Bob and Betty Kay, and of course, the other adults are Ken and Vernie, Steve’s parents. 

Dave and Kathy’s kids, Ben and Mallory are close in age to our kids.

Both Nathan and Ben are now married with families of their own.

It is these pictures of these people that bring me to the reason for this post.

Just two weeks ago, Steve was in Florida again where once again he had a chance to see Dave, Kathy, Ben and Mallory.

Except this time, things had changed. This time, Steve’s reason for going to Florida was to preach a funeral–David’s funeral.  At just 61 years old, he had passed away from melanoma. 

As Steve preached, I can only imagine that he must have had a million memories chasing themselves around in his head.  He had been connected with that man in the casket his entire life.  Six decades of connection. 

Shortly before David died, Steve sat for several hours and typed out all the memories he and David had shared and at the funeral, the family made that letter available to everyone in attendance.

I wanted to share a few excerpts with you.

David, I remember when my dad dropped us off at the movie theater; we sat near the back, eating our popcorn while putting our feet against the backs of the row in front of us.  An employee with a flashlight came and sternly told us to put our feet on the floor.  The guy scared me but you just smirked. You always were the cool one.   

During the summer you would come down from Erie to Grove City and we would hang out and perform random acts of minor mischief around the farm.  Every Saturday night we had to have a bath.  Grandma would put us both in the old cast iron tub for our weekly bath so that we smelled good for church on Sunday.  

Of course there is the legendary adventure of the tractor shed windows.  While we were exploring the junk in the shed you told me that grandpa was tired of the dirty windows and wanted to replace them.  We then proceeded to happily throw stones for about an hour smashing out every window of the shed on the side away from the house. I asked you if grandpa wanted the windows on the other side broken out too and you said he didn’t. 

And then grandma caught us.  I’m still amazed that she didn’t tan our hides.  Grandpa never mentioned it. I brought it up to him sometime in the 80’s and we had good laugh.  By the way, I told him it was all your idea!  

Remember when we found an antique bicicyle built for two in the garage? Grandma told us about a pawn shop in Grove City and that if we took it down there that we could keep the cash.  So we aired up the tires and hopped aboard, with you in front of course.  The only problem was that we hadn’t tested the sixty year old drum brakes!  So we barreled down the hill toward downtown on a narrow sidewalk at what seemed like 50 mph!   Knowing you, you were probably laughing while I was probably close to crying or barfing in the back seat. We got $50 bucks for the bike and probably spent it all at Bob Wardle’s Bike Shop

Steve ended the letter by saying:

Dave, you’ve always reminded me of a Tom Sawyer type of guy with a keen mind, dry wit and business savvy. You always had a plan.  Me, I was the little brother, playing catch up.  You always seemed to be a step ahead of me, street-wise and so cool. I really looked up to you as a kid, even though you were only a year older.

 

And now you are a step ahead of me again, this time in facing the ultimate questions of life, questions that all of us will face eventually.  I’m deeply saddened by your suffering and pray for you and your beautiful family often.

 

While we weren’t together often, it was always an adventure when we were. Thanks for all of the great memories; you’ve enriched my life and the lives of all who know you. 

 

Godspeed, mighty man.  

I had tears in my eyes by the time I got to the end of that letter.  It was so special to read about two cousins who spent important pieces of their childhood together, bound together by friendship, adventure, and DNA.

Here is a photo at the funeral with Kathy and her kids, Steve and Nathan, and David’s sister, Karen.

Before I leave you today, let me mention just one more thing.

Dave was diagnosed with melanoma in May and was gone four months later.  What started as a small mole on his back invaded his body and stole him away from those who loved him so much.

I am writing this post today partly to honor the memory of a wonderful man and partly as a reminder of how very serious melanoma can be.  Without sounding too preachy, may I just send a gentle nudge your way and encourage you to call your dermatologist for a skin check if you haven’t done so in a while?

David was gone way too soon. Please don’t let that be said of you.

 

What about you? Do you have someone in your life who has dealt with melanoma or other skin-related cancers?  Do you have a story, a memory, or just a word of encouragement for people to get checked?  I would be so honored if you would use this space to share.

 

 

 

Share:
29 comments so far.

29 responses to “Letter to Dave”

  1. Phyllis says:

    A friend and former co-worker in Louisville, KY just had surgery a few weeks ago for skin cancer on her nose. I think this is her second bout with it. She has had three surgeries this time – surgery to remove and two plastic surgeries as I recall. She is near my age so was a teenager during the years when teens would slather up with baby oil before laying out to get a tan. Being fair skinned myself as well as living 13 years in Florida, I am more susceptible. I have to say I haven’t been to dermatologist since coming to Kansas 3 years ago. I really need to get that scheduled.

    • Becky says:

      Phyllis,

      Yes, it’s hard to believe how many people used to use baby oil to get a tan.

      And you’re right–being fair skinned is definitely a risk factor. Our whole family falls into that category. Glad you are thinking of getting a dermatologist appointment soon! I need to make one myself.

  2. Jenna Hoff says:

    I am so touched by the Letter to Dave, he sounds like a special man. I am sad for his beautiful family.

    Thank you for your encouragement to get checked at the first sign of a melanoma. While I don’t know anyone close who has had melanoma, cancer in general has touched the lives of those around me. A friend died from multiple myeloma, another friend’s darling 13 month old died of neuroblastoma just 5 hours after his parents were told he might have cancer (neuroblastoma was later confirmed ), my close uncle died of pancreatic cancer, my brother in law has beat testicular cancer twice, and my mother in law just had a mastectomy for very early stage 0 breast cancer. However, my father in law also died of cancer that had spread so far throughout his body that it could not be confirmed what the cancer originated as. He was terrified to go to a dr and so while he was ill for a few years, he told us all that he had irritable bowel syndrome and that was why he had lost so much weight. We all believed him but it turned out he had self diagnosed off the internet. He died of cancer 10 after he finally went to the hospital and was diagnosed. The reason I share this story is because seeing a dr at the first sign of problems is so important for so many cancers. Had he gone to the dr when symptoms began or had I listened to my gut feeling and done everything in my power to ask the hard questions and push him to see a dr, maybe he could have been treated and maybe he would have had the opportunity to be alive to meet my kids.

    • Becky says:

      Jenna,

      The thought of a 13-month child dying just 5 hours after a diagnosis is unimaginable. And of course, the fact that it was neuroblastoma makes it all the more heartbreaking.

      I hate the thought of your father-in-law suffering all those years and not fully understanding (or acknowledging) what was going on in his body. His loss in your and your husband’s lives and in the lives of your kids is huge.

      Cancer is such a thief. I’m thankful that diagnosis and treatment continues to improve but I’m sorry for those in your life in has touched along the way.

  3. Mel says:

    I am sorry for your loss Becky and Steve and that is a beautiful tribute that Steve wrote. I like to tell my boys constantly the white is the new healthy (although I am not sure that is politically correct anymore) but it just means that they are to protect their skin and tanning is not good for people. I have lost an Aunt and a close friend to brain cancer that started as Melanoma. I have a very good friend who was very lucky that the doctor’s caught hers early but she has to be extremely cautious and always has her husband and doctor check her constantly for any type of change.

    • Becky says:

      Mel,

      When you have lost people to Melanoma who are close to you, you tend to be hyper hyper vigilant–and that is a good thing!

      Your friend is wise to have her husband and doctor keep an eye on things. Good for her.

  4. Catherine says:

    Well it’s not skin cancer. But it’s leukemia. My mom is dying from it. It’s hard to say how long she has. I’m struggling so hard with all of this. I’m her caregiver, so I don’t get out much. I need support with everything! For whatever reason I’m not getting much. I know it’s not something people want to hear or talk about. But I need too. I hope it’s a safe place to do so. I feel so alone and needy. My heart aches to no end. Thanks for listening. My thoughts and prayers to you and yours Becky. And the family you wrote about. I’m so sorry for your loss. Catherine

    • Becky says:

      Catherine,

      I am so sorry you are having to deal with this heartache in your life; to slowly lose your mom to this terrible disease is difficult beyond words.

      And you know this is a safe place to come and share your feelings and struggles. I know many of us here have been through similar situations and our hearts are with you.

      Have you checked with any local medical organizations to try and get some help and a break from caregiving? It doesn’t make you a bad daughter to get away every once in a while. In fact, the only way you can take good care of your mom is to take good care of yourself. There is help available–please take some time and make some calls and get soe support. You are worth it! Hugs.

    • Jenna Hoff says:

      Catherine, I’m so sorry to hear about your mom. It sounds so very hard. Please know I’m thinking of you and her.

      • Becky says:

        Jenna,

        Thanks so much for taking the time to reach out to another reader. Catherine was in Steve’s and my youth group over 30 years ago and has grown into a wonderful woman.Your words will mean so much to her in the face of this present struggle.

      • Catherine says:

        Thank you Jenna. It means a lot.

  5. Guerrina says:

    Tears …. what a beautiful tribute.

  6. Dale Tousley says:

    That made me cry. We moved to Kansas City in 1996 where my husband started working for a Bio-tech company working on a vaccine type cure for melanoma….the idea was to take the patients own cells, harvest them and re-inject them in the body. They are doing a lot of this today but back then it was revolutionary and the medical field was very reluctant to actually try it on patients, opting instead to go with the traditional forms of treatment….the FDA eventually did not back them and the company folded. And thank you for your warning about moles Becky, both my husband and son are very light skinned and I hadn’t seen my son in awhile and last month was in NJ for a wedding and noticed he has 3 very large moles around his neck and back area…..I am texting him right now to tell him to have them checked, I meant to say something then but we were so caught up in the wedding and I kind of forgot (good mother, huh) about it until I read your post…..my husband also has a large mole on his side that I keep telling him to get checked…..both his sisters have had basal type patches removed…..I am so sorry for Steve’s cousin and his family, that was a beautiful letter….and thanks again for the post.

    • Becky says:

      Dale,

      How interesting that your husband was involved in working on a cure for melanoma. I know this was an exciting project to be a part of, even though it didn’t end up the way the company hoped. He still had a part in moving treatment forward and I know you’re proud of him!

      Thanks for texting the ones you love about getting checked; a little nagging is okay in a situation like this. 🙂

  7. LeeAnne says:

    We had a good friend who had melanoma. He had had a mole looked at and taken off when he was a freshman in college. Then, about 8 years later, he suddenly collapsed with a seizure on the tee box one day. Testing revealed melanoma that had metastasized to his brain. Come to find out, the dermatologist that removed the mole never sent it in for pathology testing. Consequently, he died and left behind a beautiful wife and 2 year old son. So tragic and it might have been so different….if only…… 🙁

    I’ve never had a professional skin check but do keep a close eye on my body and watch for changes. The skin check is on my to-do list to get done before the end of the year. Thank you for the reminder. I am so sorry for Steve and for David’s family. I will pray for their comfort.

    • Becky says:

      LeeAnne,

      Oh my. That is heartbreaking that your friend’s mole was never sent in for testing. I can’t imagine the feelings of additional grief and loss his sweet family must feel.

      That is how David’s symptoms first manifested themselves–as a seizure, brought on by metastisis to the brain. It’s sure not something you mess around with.

      It’s good to hear you keep an eye out for any skin changes of your own.

  8. Sharyn McDonald says:

    I have several moles, especially on my back. One day my husband asked if I had noticed this one mole on my back that was kind of red. Told him no, but that I would have it checked. I did, it was removed, and it was non-cancerous. So if you have them on your back where you can’t see them, make sure you have someone look there. Have a bro-in-law who is quite bald has had several cancerous moles on his head that he has had removed. He gets checked quite often. My husband too has a bald head and I look out for him. He does make sure he wears a cap/hat when in the sun.

    • Becky says:

      Sharyn,

      Kudus to your husband for keeping an eye out for changes!

      And you’re right–men who are bald need to be especially vigilant about the tops of their heads.

  9. Elizabeth Nance says:

    My neighbor who lived two doors away was the local retired police chief. He was always doing things for others and loved to plant flowers for all to enjoy. He also helped my Mamma and I dig holes deep enough to plant rose bushes which I still enjoy. They found melanoma on his back and it was too late to do anything. He was at Hospice, just a fifteen minute walk away when he passed away. His wife had stayed with him during the day and his son stayed with him at night. One morning, Mamma and I saw them come home together so called Hospice to learn he had passed away. We hurriedly put a meal together and took to them. The wife / widow asked how we knew he had passed away. We told her we saw the two of them come home together so called Hospice to learn their loved one had passed away.

    It has been years so I don’t remember how long it was, but he didn’t last long after he was diagnosed.

    Folks, get things checked out. If you have to have something removed, it may be uncomfortable for a while, but it would be much less painful than dying from it as it is spreading thru your body.

    • Becky says:

      Lib,

      I’m glad your neighbor’s familiy has so many wonderful memories of him being a helper in the neighborhood and community. It doesn’t take away the pain of loss but it sure does bring comfort to the corners of the heart where those sweet memories reside.

  10. Cheryl Denton says:

    I’m crying! Special memories. Thanks for sharing and for the reminder to appreciate every friend, every day.

  11. Donna says:

    Aww, such a sweet letter of memories that Steve provided to that grieving family! My dad also died with melanoma skin cancer. I can’t help but think that he might still be here today if he would have just went to the doctor 6 months sooner after a birth mark on his back started bleeding after a bad sunburn in the summer of 1987. Surgery and radiation prolonged his life until March 1989, when he died at the young age of 49. He also had a kidney disease and started on dialysis 4 months before he passed, when he was the age that I am now, 48! So reading this post really hit home! Prayers for his family and for Steve!!

  12. Ann Martin says:

    Memories are so precious. Thanks for the pictures and sharing your family time with us. May God give comfort and peace to Steve and the others.

  13. Patti says:

    My father died from metastic melanoma of the brain. He was almost 92. He walked me down the aisle at my wedding just 8 months before he died. He lived a great life. I get regular skin checks and watch for any changes. I always encourage the “youth” to wear their sunscreen.

    • Becky says:

      Patti,

      What a sweet story to hear about your dad walking you down the aisle just a few months before he died. I know that walk was drenched in tears and thanksgiving and joy and sorrow.

Leave a Reply to Sharyn McDonaldCancel reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Twenty years.

It's hard to believe I've been blogging that long. Many of you have been following since the first word was written all those years ago. Thanks to both old-timers and newcomers for being part of our story.

My goal is for Smithellaneous is to be a place where strangers become friends.

You are welcome here.

Subscribe Here. (Please!)

Receive notifications when a new blog is posted. Other than that, I won\'t bug you. :-)

Join 310 other subscribers

Search Past Posts by Month/Year

Archives