I’d Prefer To Live

February 2, 2012

When you’ve been blogging as long as I have (nine years!) you tend to have certain favorite posts that you like to revisit.   I figure that if I enjoy going back and reading those old posts, you might enjoy them too and so two or three times a month, I’m going to start posting things from The Archives–either from Sarah’s page or from Smithellaneous Classic.

This first one is from Sarah’s site. (And thanks to Trine, long time blog reader  for helping me locate the post among the hundreds of thousands of words on that site!)

I’d Prefer To Live
July 26, 2002

Ever since Sarah’s diagnosis and throughout her treatment, Nathan has been incredibly helpful in caring for his little sister.  At night when she has to go bathroom,  he puts her feeding machine on pause, unhooks her tube, and walks her to the bathroom. Then he takes her back to the bedroom and repeats the whole process in reverse.  Since she stays hooked up to her feeds all night and can’t get around easily,  he  comes to get us if she’s going to throw up or needs us for anything more serious than a bathroom break.

Of course, every hard workin’ big brother needs a break and last night when we were at Steve’s parents house for a cookout, Nathan went outside to shoot some hoops. I went downstairs to check on some laundry and when I noticed him through the basement window I thought,  “I should really go out there and play some basketball with him.”

But just then a rain shower hit and while a few drops of rain don’t do much to stop a teenager from playing basketball, they tend to make us mama types run for cover.  

Just as I was about to head back upstairs, though, one of the lessons I’ve learned from Sarah about living each moment to the fullest stopped me in my tracks.  And then it propelled me out into the rain where I yelled at Nathan, “Hey Nate, throw me the ball!”

If Michael Jordan himself had appeared on the scene,  I don’t think Nathan’s face could have been any more shocked. (I am not widely known for my athletic prowess.)  After he had recovered sufficiently and picked his jaw up from the ground, we spent about ten minutes together in the rain as I frantically dribbled the ball  in a decidedly dysfunctional manner and launched lofty, laughable shots that rarely went near the hoop.  Nathan gave me a few pointers and we chased each other through the rain quite happily until my 40-year old body told my overly youthful mind to cut it out.

As I turned to go back into the house, Nathan stopped and said solemnly, “Thanks so much for playing with me, Mom.”

As I walked away I thought, “This moment was brought to you by Sarah Smith!” Her life reminds us all to seize the day–whether it’s raining or not.

One of the things Sarah loves to do in the course of  seizing her day is to go to Wal-Mart.  We were there a couple days ago and were having a great time together just ambling through the store and chatting.  Every once in awhile she would stop in her tracks, sigh happily and say, “Isn’t it just so great to be here?”

Her face was aglow with contentment; she was out of the hospital, out of pain, not throwing up–life was good, indeed.

As we drove home from Wal-Mart she was quiet in the back seat for a few minutes and then with no warning whatsoever she said, “Mom, do you think I’m gonna die when I’m a kid?”

I held hard to the steering wheel as a wave of grief and sorrow crashed through my heart. Trying to gather my emotional resources and come up with some sort of an answer that would make sense to a child I was only able to say, “Why do ask that, Sarah?”

She replied, “Well, I just wonder if my cancer will go too far and kill me and God won’t answer our prayers for healing.”

The passing landscape blurred through my tears and I thought, “Dear Lord, I have absolutely no words or assurances to give this child. What am I supposed to say?”

Trying to keep my voice from quavering I asked, “Sarah, how do you feel about that?”

There was a long, long silence and then her small voice emerged from the back seat, “I’d prefer to live.” 

Those half-whispered, soul-shaking words of a child, spoken in the silence of a beautiful Thursday twilight were nothing less than a prayer. She was not whining or screaming about having a hideous disease spread through her body. She was not dictating to God what he should or should not do with her life. She was simply allowing the evening hush to carry her trusting, wistful words to heaven, “I’d prefer to live.”

I knew I was in a holy place as I sat in the presence of a precious 6-year old theologian who, instead of thinking about Barbie’s and sleepovers, was grappling with eternity and death and the question of whether or not God could be trusted with her very life.

None of us knows how this chapter will end. We don’t know if God will dip His pen in tears or joy when He writes the final words. In the meantime though, life is too short for us to live in fear and depression. Instead, we prefer to spend time with people we love,  go to Walmart,  have cookouts, and play basketball in the rain.

We prefer to live.

 

A few pictures from that season . . .

This was taken just a couple of days before Sarah was admitted to Duke for her bone marrow transplant; she was inpatient for almost a month.  As the photo was taken, we honestly didn’t know if she would live to celebrate any more Christmases with us.  It was a sobering, but rich season of life because we truly appreciated every moment.

December 2002 016

December 2002 027

Gateway Files 223

I really love this photo.

6-29-02

And I really, REALLY love the fact that the child in this picture . . .P1010196

… turned into this gorgeous gal.

sarah thurs collage

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29 comments so far.

29 responses to “I’d Prefer To Live”

  1. Lisa says:

    Wow. Can’t imagine how you kept the car on the road during that conversation. God bless.

  2. Anna says:

    Thank you for sharing that story again. As a pediatric PT I always wonder what a child is thinking as he or she faces what most adults would moan and groan about. Does Sarah remember much from those days and does she talk about the experience much?

    • Becky says:

      Anna, first of all, let me say thank you for helping kids as a physical therapist. Sarah needed extensive physical therapy after her cancer treatment and the woman who worked with her was amazingly patient and fun and made tough things seem doable. We will always be grateful to her–and we are grateful to you for the kids you are helping!

      As far as Sarah remembering much from those days, she does have definite experiences she remembers on her own, but since was six and seven years old during most of her treatment, many of the memories are a little fuzzy. She doesn’t talk it a lot but every once in awhile, the subject will crop up in a conversation and we’ll revisit together some funny or sad or painful moment. It will always be such a huge part of her life and has had a huge part in shaping who she is today.

  3. Mrs. Pam says:

    several years ago when I first read all of Sarah’s Spot, I must admit that was my favorite entry, too, and one I frequently think about. I know God, too, preferred that Sarah would live, that’s for sure!!!!

  4. Mitzi says:

    I really needed to read that today. Thank you for sharing your deepest pain and greatest joys with us! Through my tears, I am praising God today that Sarah’s prayer from that ride home from Walmart was answered! From that perspective, I am now going to finish cooking dinner and greet my three teenagers with a hug when they walk in the door soon and enjoy every minute of it!

    • Becky says:

      Once in a discouraged moment, when Sarah asked what the purpose of her cancer was, I told her about all the parents that had written us to tell us that because of her, they were appreciating their children more than they ever had. That really comforted her little heart to hear that and it’s wonderful to know that it still continues.

  5. Trine says:

    Something complety different I just enjoyed reading the Meet the Smiths. Which made me think: Could you not make a Meet the readers of the blogpost and then I don’t know people could comment and write a bit about themselves. We are such a big community so sometimes I think it could be good to know the other people who are reading the blog :))

  6. Trine says:

    Always a pleasure to help you out Becky 🙂 And I am thankful to have the Smith family in my life 🙂 I always enjoy reading about your family. And it is such a wonderful miracle to see that Sarah has gorwn up to be such a wonderful young lady. She is a big inspiration.

  7. Jannie Kenyon says:

    I am so glad I was able to read this post. I am also blessed that Sarah and the Smith family are a part of my life. They are truly beautiful people and anyone who meet them ( I think) are blessed to know them! I truly love this family. They are genuine people.

  8. Sueg says:

    Oh, Trine, thank you so much for reminding Becky about this post and encouraging her to repost it. I remember it…at least the part about the conversation about dying and Sarah’s mature and heart-wrenching reply. (I don’t recall the basketball stuff which leads me to believe that I only read an excerpt or variation of this entry.)

    Becky, as you know, I am thrilled beyond measure that your blog is now about LIFE as you live it and no longer about living the life you would never have chosen for your family and especially for Sarah. That said, I have always preferred, for lack of a better word, the writings concerning Sarah’s story. Most likely that is due to the visceral emotion and raw, uncompromising truth those entries conveyed. They evoked in me such a depth of compassion and caring while at the same time served as a reminder of what faith looks like in the face of unbridled fear. So, yes, from time to time please repost these special writings. They are a reminder not only of a precarious time in your life, but also an example of some of your best writing and God’s best truths. What a gift.

    Thank you to both of you for seeing to it that this post has resurfaced. I can only imagine the people it will touch, whether again or for the first time. Believe me…it is a gift that keeps on giving.

  9. Tiffany says:

    wow, those pictures bring back memories for me… I remember Sarah as that little girl I was pheresing so many years ago! I love the picture of her and Nathan in the hospital with the IV pole… he is really an awesome big brother!! I am so very glad that God preferred for Sarah to live as well… the world is truly a better place because of it!!! Love all your posts, but especially looking back and seeing just how good God is to us all!!

    • Becky says:

      Tiffany, yes, you certainly had a big part in your transplant, getting those precious stem cells harvested. Thank you for all you’ve done for so many kids through the years.

  10. nancy irving says:

    I often go back and read Sarah’s caringbridge site. I will always be in awe of the courage that “Princess Groovy Chick” has shown throughout her young and beautiful life.

  11. Rachel Richardson says:

    Thank you for sharing. I am so glad that God healed Sarah and has allowed her to become such an awesome young woman.

    • Becky says:

      Rachel, those words coming from someone who lost her own little Sarah are very humbling. I’m inspired and blessed by your heart that can rejoice even in the midst of your own loss. Blessings to you and your sweet family today.

  12. Gabrielle Surherland says:

    Becky,
    I don’t even have the right words to express to you the conviction you give me to live everyday to the fullest, to appreciate the security God has given my family and my children today, and to take full advantage of those little moments because it can all change on a dime. As a mother, I know I can get carried away with all the things I “have to do” and i end up missing out on my children. But what you have shown me is that they are missing out too…..Thank you so much for sharing. I look forward to reading more…

    Gabi

    • Becky says:

      Gabi, how delightful to hear from you! (For my readers, Gabi is the big sister of Sarah’s friend, Victoria’s.)

      I remember when Sarah and Nathan were young and it was so hard to just stop doing all the “stuff” that I thought had to be done and just focus on them. You are a wise mom to learn that lesson early. Thanks so much for reading; hugs to your family!

  13. Mary H says:

    I have no words – just tears of joy and tears of sorrow and tears of hope and celebration that “we” have that beautiful young woman. “I’d prefer to live.” I will never forget those words spoken by such a young warrior.

  14. Ann Martin says:

    Oh, Becky, how you make us relive times that were hard but so grateful for them and that God brought us all “through” the times. We did not stop there and dwell. I remember that little girl we met the first time at Duke and look at the now lovely teen-ager she has become. God has used the Smith family to enrich our lives and help us be thankful for all God’s goodness. Thank you for allowing us to be part of your family. Oh, loved the wedding pictures in the other post.

  15. Gail Puckett says:

    Becky,
    Thanks so much for sharing this bit of Sarah’s amazing history with us. Sometimes I look at the lovely girl she is now and forget what she has been through in her young life. God is so good and I am thankful everyday for his love and his mercy to us.
    Gail

    • Becky says:

      Gail, it is easy to forget all that and most of the time, I try not to think about the trauma of those years. But sometimes going back and remembering makes me even more thankful for today.

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